I made my first cuts after a year free this morning, and now I don't know if I can stop. I have a lot of them now and I still feel disconnected, even though i should be either hurting or crying right now. I moved the location from where I used to SI so none of the people I know IRL can check my old spots, but my arms (where I usually cut) are screaming for it anyway. I want to take a bare blade and just slice down both of my arms, and cross my wrists. To open up my veins and let all of what happened in the past three weeks drain out of me. I swear, my arms are calling for it.
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to be alone with msyelf right now.
Though your sins are as red as blood, they will be whiter than snow or wool --Isaiah 1:18
Sorrow may last through the night, but joy will come in the morning --Psalm 30:5
Is there someone you can call? I know you've probably thought of that, but please try to tell someone that you need support. I know starting again is horrible, it feels like undoing all that work, but stopping for a year is a huge acheivement, and you will be able to do it again, you just can't at the moment. That's OK, you don't have to be perfect. Just try to stay safe.
What's been happening in the past 3 weeks (only if you want to say, you don't have to if it will make you feel worse)
Well done on going a year, that really is a huge achievement. it sounds like a lot has been going on in the last few weeks and if you want to post about it you can do.
If now, how about writing it out foryourself and then tearing it up? its kind of a different way of getting it out of you which might help minimalize the amount you want/need to cut.
you will be able to stop again, a year shows how strong you are!
please take care hun
xxxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
Well, I broke up with my first & only girlfriend. She was my first relationship,and we broke up once before but got back together. And we parted on good terms, but then another friend and I all of a sudden kind of got together right afterward. He had just broken up with his girlfriend as well and it wasn't planned or anything, we just kind of happened. but it broke her heart (my ex) and his ex was mad, and our friends thought I dumped Ri for him
So, my friends (who I love more than life) have been giving me a cold shoulder, and though I've kind of resolved things with them, it made me rethink getting together with Dan. We caught each other on the rebound, and things moved kind of fast, and I realized it wasn't in a good place, and it was my fault because I could say "I love you" a million times and it wouldn't mean anything because I have no idea what love IS.
I tried to kind of break it off last night, give myself some space, but he isn't taking no as an answer, and my relapse just keeps getting worse, because I don't know how our friends will react to it. Will they hate me for ruining two people so fast? Or support me? or what?
Plus I don't know where I am right now, what i want. it's scary for me. Everything was so solid a month ago!
Though your sins are as red as blood, they will be whiter than snow or wool --Isaiah 1:18
Sorrow may last through the night, but joy will come in the morning --Psalm 30:5
Is there anyone you can talk it through with? A counsellor or someone like that? so you don't have to worry about their feelings...
but you haven't 'ruined' anyone, you ended things with your girlfriend well, and if it wasn't working you were right to do that. Well done for not dragging it out - that would have been more painful for you both. It sounds healthy for both you and Dan to have a break, there's nothing to stop you getting together later if it's right for you both. But now is probably not the right time.
And you're allowed to make mistakes, that doesn't make you a bad person. It sounds as if you're doing really well in thinking this through - I know it's stressful but you are making good choices, for you and for the other people involved.
Thank you. This is really hard for me. I never thought I'd relapse, I had made it so long... and all of the people who know are either mad or disappointed, because they don't SI so they don't think it should have happened. Instead of being glad for my year, they're angry about my relapse.
I'm just struggling right now. I had to work really hard not to bring a razor to school today.
Though your sins are as red as blood, they will be whiter than snow or wool --Isaiah 1:18
Sorrow may last through the night, but joy will come in the morning --Psalm 30:5
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