Graphic / Triggering - Hallucinations

[everylastbit]

I wrote this in my journal yesterday:

So I've been away for a week. I'm back in my room and the house is empty. I've been wanting to be alone so much but now that I really am alone it hurts.

First thing I did when I got in my room...I swallowed half a bottle of cough medicine. Why? To calm me down. Not because the medicine has any biochemical effect on me, but because in my mind I know it's somehow harmful to me and that makes me feel better. I was on the train earlier and I managed to hide myself away for a while, but at one point I had to be in a pretty busy crowd. I managed to keep myself going by doing breathing exercises and staring out of the window but it got pretty tough at one stage.
About an hour in, I was feeling a little dizzy because my mind was racing and I was panicking a bit. I kept trying to breathe deeply and slowly and I was alternating between looking out of the window and looking up at the ceiling. At one stage, I looked up at the ceiling and then I looked down. I had my hands in my lap and my sleeves rolled up so my forearms were exposed. My eyes were a little weird cos of the panic but I felt like I had to stare at my arm. Suddenly, I saw a knife blade, cutting into my wrist. It made two long, deep cuts from my wrist up my forearm. Blood started pouring out of them and into my cupped hands. The blood went out to the sides of my cuts and poured into my hand. But there was no blood in between the cuts, just the white skin like it was before. But it wasn't just white, it was glowing white as bright as the light I'd just been looking at on the ceiling. Then the knife moved up and cut two crosses higher up on my forearm, close to the crease of my elbow.
I looked away and looked back and there was nothing there, my arm was unmarked. It felt like I was watching the knife and watching my arm bleed for a good few minutes but it could only have been a second or two. It was just scary!


I'm pretty scared by this. Anyone got any ideas why it might have happened? If it helps, I have BPD and I started on new meds a week ago. I can't remember this having ever happened before although I dissociate quite a lot.

I think part of me just needs a hug.

[Stellata]

The cough medicine could be a factor in it. Plus that you were trying to escape your feelings - when you do that, your unconscious can still come out and express yourself - hence hallucinations. It could be a whole number of factors.
It seems that you're employing as many defences against feeling your feelings as you can - overdosing, dissociating, cutting. The only real way through this is to gradually safely explore and connect with your feelings with the help of a good psychotherapist.

[someoneiusedtoknow]

Cough medicine causes that. You're not going insane.

I don't do this but ... have a hug *hugs*.

[Stellata]

How're things looking today?

[everylastbit]

Thanks for the replies. The problem is that I hadn't taken the cough medicine when it happened so I'm not really sure what was going on there.

I have so much uni work to do and I'm really struggling at the moment...I just can't focus on doing it when my head is so messed up. I can't ask for another extension cos I don't think they'll give it to me...they always want a full explanation and I can't say "Oh, well I started seeing things and I feel a bit scared and a bit sad and my head is totally screwed".

I want a normal life. It can't be that hard to achieve...everyone else around me seems to be ok.

I hate it being this f'ing hard. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?

And what's ridiculous is that there's one little thing happened today and I really don't know if it's going to push me over the edge. I feel a bit like it is. My heart has sunk too far for me to be able to come back again.

[private-tears]

hi there i had to reply to this because this exact same thing happened to me a while ago.... i have bpd.... i hallucinated i cut myself it was strangely similar to your hallucination about cutting myself but i was in my room where i normaly cut and i only realised it wasnt real after i went to clean it with a tissue and it was gone.... i called my doc about it after i told my dad and the doc prescribed me a new medication but she said its a reaction to stress.... u were stressed on the train you possibly wanted to cut so ur mind made u see it.... just wanna say dont worry too much cuz it happens.... but i would advise telling ur doc about it xx hope things are going ok for you