Hey Sarah-Jane, welcome back to RYL :)
It sounds as though what you went through with your mother was traumatic, and that is very understandable considering she was like a best friend for you. Death is something that is very hard to cope with and can often leave us with anger and frustration, and all the other feelings that come along with grief. Kaya has pointed out the Grief and Trauma Support Forum which you might find of use to you, and that is a good place to start.
Even though you might be in the beautiful mountains, it isn't really going to change immediately how you are feeling. Grief is difficult - and we cannot just "snap" out of it. Especially if we are finding it hard to face the emotions. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of anger, maybe finding another release for this anger would be good for you? People often use self harm to express of relieve their anger or even being alone, so I'm not suprised it's on your mind.
However, it's not a coping mechanisim that is going to work for you and it's not going to be ocnstructive in dealing with this pain. Instead of cutting to release how you're feeling, why not try other things such as
- Physical release - going for a jog or doing a sport, such as tennis or swimming. Punching a pillow or your bed so long as you don't hurt yourself.
- Writing how you are feeling. You can either do that here or on paper (which might work better as "release")
- Rant a bit and express your anger and other emotions in the Ranting / Venting Forum
It's unlikely that with all these feelings inside -grief, anger, lonliness and probably a huge loss for your mother/friend, you are expected ot be enjoying yourself. Coping and getting over a loss is never going to be easy, so try not to place pressure on yourself and take life as it comes, instead of thinking "I should be over it". If you're not- then you're not, deal with that as it happens.
If you're feeling tense with anger, try some of the thingd above. If you're feeling lonely, call someone, come online and remember we're all here for you too. But if you've got all these emotions inside that you cannot let out, you're probably going to find it difficult to relax and simply "switch off" when you get to a pretty place, such as the mountains. Give yourself a chance to express what you're going through and really just get it
out, but in ways that do
not involve hurting yourself. If you want to
see the pain, draw on yourself with a red marker, but remember there are other ways to deal with this than hurting yourself.
Have you ever received any counselling after the death of your mother, or to deal with your self harm? That is another thing I would consider when you return back home, to make an appointment with your doctor and try and get some support arranged for you. It really does sound to me like you need some more support in your life, after having lost someone close to you, so many try and see where you can get that support from.
I wish you the very best,
Much Love
Aimee xo
