Darkness, It’s a calling. The memories, flashbacks, feelings all calling for me - I know what they want me to do. I feel weak, I feel scared. It’s happened so quickly. It’s happened so fast.
I don’t know how I’ve come to this. Searching frantically for my comfort blanket but not being able to find it. Of course it’s not a blanket I’m looking for, that would be too easy, instead I’m looking for something to comfort me, to ease my feelings of desperation, that over whelming urge that causing my head to scream so hard, yet so quietly because there is no one around that can hear. Maybe Its not that no one is around, Maybe they don’t see the pain i’m in. Maybe they don’t realise how bad things have gone.
They don’t know what’s going on inside my head. Afterall, the mask i wear may as well be real as Ive come to hide it all too well. They are all still too interested in the other one. The one who took more drastic actions than me – which makes it easy to over look what i did – it was years ago it cant still be affecting me, It still can’t be screwing me up.. Ha think again its affecting me more than ever.
The guilt, the shame, The deceit, The lies, The Anger, The Hate, The Blame, The unforgiveness, The regrets.. Regrets that i didn’t achieve my goal, the regrets that i failed myself, I obviously didn’t try hard enough.
Every day i have to live with my past choices, and the actions that lead me there. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since it happened. What an existence is that? Perfectly manipulated to take my innocence, to take my happiness away Stolen in a blink of an eye away from an innocent young girl, if I believe that I’m foolish.
I asked for it, It was my fault – I’m solely to blame for everything. I asked for it, I could have stopped it from ruining my life but i didn’t so its my fault, Its my fault now im slipping back into the darkness, the continuous downwards spiral thats neverending.
Im not strong enough to fight it anymore though, i’ve been ground down enough recently being strong for everyone else that i cant look after myself. I cant fight hard enough to win this battle like the many before it. No, Im too weak, too frail, there was just too much in too little time and its all hit me again. But hit me worse, like pouring salt into an open wound i feel like screaming, crying, but im numb, I cant think of anything, the desperations just turned into cold heartedness since i cant find anything to do my any damage – which sends me into despair again, My head pounding needing some sort of release, the misunderstanding, the anger, the pain, all i want to see is crimson. Wishing i could do the delecate dance of my pen, scribing the hatred, pain, anger onto my canvas, which tell tales of the times before this, which reminds me everyday of what has happened.
Theres no escaping me, because i am me, and i’ve got to live with that. Its my calling, its what i deserve. Without my pen my despearation gets worse, frantically searching, aching for my release aching for the thoughts and feelings to disappear even if it doesn’t last forever. Which I know it wont. For those few moments though when my pens working beautifully across im free, relaxed in a limbo where no one can reach me as for that moment everything else disappears everything vanishes like a ghost in fog. I long for my pen, I’ll keep searching, im just following your calling, i know when the time will be. I know when the time will be right. Until then i’ll just carry on, because there isn’t anything else to do.
oh Ann.....
*squishes you close*
im so sorry that youve come to this dark place again.
please fight it.
i know it seems you have no energy left to fight.
dig deep hunni. please.
i have nothing to offer and im sorry for that.
thinking of you.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
hey sweetie, you know that it's just a slip up, sent to try you. if you never fail then you aren't human and if you're not human then your recovery can't be real.
see it for what it was and try to move on hun. what did you do that helped you recoved initially? were you on any meds? did you use specific distractions, maybe it was just talking to someone, or writing it all down. try to remember and do all those things again, try to get it out of your system that way, then leave it behind and forget about it. it's one tiny part of your life and it's always going to be a part of your history, but a tiny part that doesn't matter anymore.
you'll never get rid of this hun, you just learn to control it and to ignore it, you've done so well, for 4 years now you've mastered the technique. desperatley it has sought a chink in your armour and you did well to fight it, but it found that hole, cover it up with love and respect for yourself, for all you have acheived despite the past.
you can do this. you've done it before and you can do it again. i have faith in you Ann. i know you will do this.
love you lots,
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
you haven't ****ed up. you slipped. we all slip. it's not all down the drain though. it's NOT! *cuddles you tightly* can you get into see a doc or a pysch ann? *cuddles* You can get through this darling. You have done so well!!!!! You CAN get past this. It's a messy speed bump but it will pass and you will get through it! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Oh Ann...i happy to hear from you but i so wish it was a happy update. I hate that you have slipped back down into this hell. But Ann...REALLY think of it....YOU WENT FOUR YEARS!!!! That is utterly amazing! I cant imagine (or manage) ONE year. I know how you are feeling a bit (i had no where long as you, so its different i realize) but i slipped in a big was and feel a failure and feel like doing more now, why not right?
But we CANT! We have to dig down and find that spark again, its there, it really is...
Oh hunni, my heart is with you
love you ann-girlie
romp
I just dont know when all this is going to end. I thought it was getting better but even the smallest things are getting to me, driving me down... Im supposed to be getting excitied about my new job but i cant even do that i cant afford to buy the stuff i need.
the smallest thing sets me off and i just keep breaking down and crying. i feel like such a failure.
i feel like i wasting everyones time here because you all need so much more help and support than me.
but it just seems like im slipping back into my old ways, not eating, not sleeping, longing to do stuff but with starting my new job i dont know if im sharing a room with someone or anything so its going to be hard to hide the cuts ive already done.
i should be looking foreward to leaving all this rubbish behind for 5 months, ill be out in the mountains in austria working out there for the ski season but instead i cant even think that far ahead and i leave in less than two weeks.
what if i end up like my dad, having some sort of schitzophrenic episode and doing all that? Am i always going to have these feelings? am i always going to feel this low? will this depression ever go away? or do i really need to take meds again? i know im going to live with what happened for the rest of my life but will it ever get any easier? or am i destined to be like this forever?
I just want to scream and shout so loud but i cant. My parents dont have a clue whats going on and i cant let them know.
Im so tired of fighting, im so drained. Im so low.
I'll tell you what my doctor told me. You have to be doing well to have a slip back. But you look at it... I mean REALLY look at it! You are NOT where you were before. You have come so far! but you've hit a patch of turbulence and you're afraid it's not going to end. But soon you will hit calm air again. Honey you have come so so far! Don't let this turbulence become who you are. You WILL get through this and you will keep going forward. *cuddles you tightly*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
hey hun, you sound like you're stressing about lots of things - all those small things build up into one big stress ball. hopefully you will be able to release a lot of it in austria... hehe - take up yodelling - high in the hills was a lonely goat herd..... :P
hang on two more weeks, fresh start, change of scenery i hope it will do you lots of good - oh and remember to take your long-johns.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
