Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Very unsafe.. everything falling apart

Becca · 14-11-2008, 10:00 PM

I'm feeling very unsafe right now. I don't even know if this will make sense. I've tried phoning helpline but they just say go to hospital and I *know* that is a waste of time. They can't help me. They aren't for rubbish. Dirty evil people like me.

This week I got a letter from the bank about a complaint I never made and then when I asked for details got told it was my loan being paid by someone else and problems with an old savings account (that has about £1.50 in it!). Today I got a letter from tax credits telling me I owe thousands and thousands of pounds for money paid to me for having a child. I have never had a child. I am infertile and never will. Something that was distressing for me to go through on the phone. I cannot possibly pay them this money. Then when I stupidly told my parents they screamed at me about it because it is my fault for being stupid. I have never claimed tax credits. Never. But this is my fault anyway.

I've hardly slept for days. I've been sending loads of txts to xTinkerbelle and Steel_Maiden in the middle of the night and although they say they don't mind I don't believe them. I'm too frightened to do anything. I'm deadlocked. I'm terrified by what is happening to me. I keep seeing them talking/laughing/joking about me in the street. I've been attacked by them twice and killed them but they don't stay dead.

I saw my cpn on Tuesday who said they feel unsafe with me and reminded me that should I get caught with the * I carry I will be arrested and sent to prison because I recognise I shouldn't carry it. If I don't then they hurt me so I can't go out with out it.

I've run out of my painkillers - a big problem for me cos I have a lot of chronic pain conditions, but am not safe enough to go get them. I know I will od if I do. I have other meds I can od on from my date a few weeks ago when I didn't. I tried but failed. I tried cutting through an artery when I cut, but since I went through that one in August the blood just clots. Doesn't run. Anyway my hands spasmed painfully so although I managed to 'write' quite a lot the cut failed.

I don't know what to do. I'm really scared. Everything just goes round and round and round in my head. I won't go out without my * to hurt people and I get uges to hurt different people.

ThinkingofRecovery · 14-11-2008, 10:06 PM

I wish I had something useful to say but all I can say is that you really should go to A&E. They might be able to help you this time. I've found on occasion that there is someone who does make that difference, a member of the liaison team or crisis team, that I haven't met before and they have been able to make a difference. I know you have tried and tried, but please try and ask for help again hun.
*hugs*

Becca · 14-11-2008, 11:30 PM

I might go tommorow. I'm rather stuck for Internet access at the moment too. Perhaps I should delete this in case I can't come back. I'm really scared of trying though.

15-11-2008, 12:01 AM

You don't need to pay back the child tax credits as you haven't had any hun. If there's no proof your end then they can't do anything about it.
That's the only thing i can suggest..but i know how stressful bills/debts/money problems are.
Are your parents of any support at all? You've never spoken of them so i'm not sure but feel free to tell me to keep my nose out *holds you*
You know you can phone/text me anytime hun, i never have credit but i honestly don't mind if you feel you need to vent/rant.
lots lof love
xx

Becca · 15-11-2008, 09:04 PM

I got 1131 more letters 1131 from them today. Telling me the names of 1131 the children. I have SI'd so much today but nothing 1131 deep, no painkillers means 1131 a lot of painful spasms :( I have worked out the 1131 money they 1131 asked for yesterday is going to be tripled at least.

I'm struggling 1131 to see another way. Struggling to want to.

Two 1131 people have said to me to try A&E and I have been there twice and 1131 sat outside in the rain crying and not gone in once 1131and the second time the police were there. I can't go in. I can't trust them. I'm too frightened I know I could not cope with anything 1131 on top of this right now.

I thought about emailing cpn just to explain 1131 why but everytime I try write it comes out wrong. Those damn numbers. 1131

1131 I came to delete 1131 this. Maybe I will.

1131 No my parents aren't supportive. None of 1131 my family are.