Triggering (SI/Abuse) - out of control again

[Sigma]

I managed not to SH for about 4-5 years, didn't even want to and thought that was it, my life was now sorted out (apart from 'ordinary unhappiness'!). But this year has been difficult and I have started again and with new ways of harming as well. I have all this anger just under the surface, and it gets to the surface so easily, anything will set me off. Not only do i harm myself but I have lost friends because I get so angry with them – then I get angry with myself for being so destructive & that it’s my fault for being so lonely because I drive people away.

A friend has suggested I see a counsellor but I have seen so many over the years and most are making themselves feel better by trying to ‘fix’ other people or find someone to exploit. Every time I tell someone else about it its reliving it all over again… and anyway, nothing can change the past. Most of the time I just don’t want to be awake.

[Merc]

first off, *hugs* and welcome.
I can hear how frustrated and tired you are. Im sorry your experience of counselling has been so unhelpful and pretty much harmful. I dont blame you being cynical and put-off by the whole thing. I was too, I met many 'doctors' who sound the kin of your experience! I gave up looking for a few years as i doubted i would ever find someone to actually help. Well, it took me 8 years of looking and I finally have found that person. But you are right; we can't change the past but we CAN learn a new way to live with it, a way that we can look at it differently and a little more kindly to ourselves.
I know it's likely the last thing you want to hear, but i think you need to look again for someone who is willing to help you for just that reason; to honestly help. It's a bitch, its ten-fold harder than it should be, but it IS worth it when you finally find that right person.
Keep posting; we're all here to listen and help however we can. Pls PM if you like ok?
thinking of you
romp

[Merc]

sorry! forgot to say what a HUGE achievement to not SH for so very very long. No matter what, you still have all those years! What helped you to achieve that long? What has happened to cause you to harm again?
(sorry if i seem too nosy, i dont mean too!)
romp

[Sigma]

I stopped just before I was thirty - I had done it less and less through my 20s and then 29 was a crap year BUT I managed to end some bad relationships because I realised they made me feel crap about myself instead of encouraging me, then I got a job I felt really excited about - all the things I enjoy doing and am good at, and as well it was a real acheivement to get it, there was lots of competition. So, I guess I just felt good about myself and that I could be worth something after all. Plus it was quite nice to turn round to my parents (who always said I wouldn't acheive anything etc etc and then after being in hospital that I was mentally ill and therefore should just be medicated and hidden away) and prove them wrong.

And now I have an even better job, but it is in another country (and about a 12 hour flight away from London, so I can't get back easily just to visit friends) and I have struggled to make friends here, I love the job and would hate to leave - I have changed jobs so often because I don't cope well with the 'people' side and end up taking a lot of time off because I feel so down and angry, but here I have a very supportive boss who has also become a good friend, and I have been able to pretty much design my own job. So I really don't want to leave, but I'm not coping with being so lonely. I have never been good at making friends, i always feel that I'm a bit weird, I don't think I read the signs very well, and in a different country that's even harder.

Counselling - I don't think I can go over it all again, I feel invaded mentally as well as physically (one of them used to pressure me to have sex with him) and I know there's no point in going unless you are prepared to trust them and let donw the barriers BUT I CAN'T

[Sigma]

Its always worse at the wekend, I'm going to have to go home soon and then its freefall for this evening and 2 more days until I get some structure and distraction again. I've been trying to get a phone line since February but they don't have enough lines, so I can't call or email anyone. Everythign I try fails