This week has been close to a roller coaster, maybe the kiddie coaster without any real big highs or lows. But now I am confused, worried, struggling.
Most days I spend feeling empty, blah, a stranger in my own skin, separated from the world by some barely visible haze. Quite honestly, it sucks, if this is all that life is going to be, then I don't want it. (and yes that is the exact phrase I used when talking with psych on Monday)
Yesterday would have to be described as close to manic. I have been manic before, and this was a minimized version of it. I still felt empty, blah, separated, but I had energy. Felt like I could do things.
So now the question, which is more dangerous. Feeling blah, empty, and low for months, or having a manic day in the midst of that?
Rereading what I typed it is a jumbled mess, hmmmm, just like my head.
My question, as I try to take care of myself and seek help from my doctors and therapists, would you consider yourself to be in more urgent need of help when you are empty and blah and low, or when you are empty and blah and manic
I really wish I had an answer for you Jeff, but I don't.
All I can offer you is (((hugs)))
Please try to stay safe.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
We're all in the same game;
Just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell;
Just different demons.
personally, i am not sure either is more or less urgent than the other. From what friends who suffer from bipolar have told me (not suggestting anything about you here-i don't know you) the thoughts in their head - not to put too fine a point on it - tend to be the same and of similar intensities whether they are 'manic' or 'depressed'.
I would consider you to be in need of urgent help whenever you have the urge to do serious harm to yourself.
*huggles* stay safe....and never let anyone make you feel guilty for seeking help - you are in need/urgent need of it whensoever you deem yourself to be, even if another person would not at the same moment in time (really hope that made sense)
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
*cuddles* I am not sure there is much of a difference... I mean, certainly there are times that we are more of a danger to ourselves than others but as for manic v not manic... I don't know.
Love you Uncle Jeff
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Ugh, met with therapist yesterday evening. She wants me to somehow stop seeing things as black or white, right or wrong. I don't get it, I really don't. You either do something, or you don't do it. When you do something you either do it right or not. The concept of somewhat right or kinda right does not make sense. She is telling me that I am too judgemental of myself, that I need to be satisfied with "good enough" What the hell is "Good enough?" Again, I go back to the simple concept of either doing or not doing. When I do something, I do it to the best of my ability, anything less is the same as not doing it.
I am very confused by this, what the hell does it have to do with feeling like crap constantly.
I did break down and tell her that I wish I had not stepped off the tracks a few months ago. It would have been so simple, just sit there and it would have been over, I wouldn't be here to worry about this nonsense anymore. It is a very careful parsing of words, I did not say that I was going to do that, I said I wished I had done it previously. Can't be admitted for that.
Sorry, I am talking in circles, meh, back to the grind.
It is good enough. It is compromise. It is realizing that sometimes spaghetti without side dishes is enough for dinner, or sometimes even cold cereal will do. It isn't a perfect meal but it fills you up with minimum effort.
There is a difference between having feelings and acting on them. The way you chose your words was a compromise. You talked about how you felt without having to take action on it and without action being forced upon you. That is a grey area. In stepping off the tracks you committed to one more day of life.
If something is do it completely and to the best of your ability, you have 15 more years until you complete a particular task you committed yourself to doing.
You aren't talking in circles, you're reaching for help and understanding.
Love you Bro
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
