as some of you know i attempted to give my doctor a letter last week but failed. steel maiden gave me the idea of posting a letter to him, which is what im going to attempt to do..but i know even that im going to struggle with. theres this thing in my head that keeps telling me not to, that he wont care, being honest will make no difference, that he wont believe me, that none of its real and its all in my head. and im finding fighting against this quite hard.
however, i have written a letter today, and its the most honest iv been in one go. dont worry if you cant be bothered readin my letter. id be greatful for support in sending it and any view on my letter though
this is it:
"To Dr...
Last time i saw you i had written you a note explaining a few things but i was unable to give it to you. Hence why i have now decided to send you a letter in the post.
When i see you i say very little, this is mainly due to me struggling with trust and people i don't know. But i know the only way forward is to start being honest, and that's what i intend to do in this letter.
I wasn't honest with the mental health people i saw a few weeks back. I didn't know them and i didn't trust them and so i didn't tell them what really goes on in my head. I told them my last OD was Sepptember 2007 when really it was just before i came to see Dr... and was one of the reasons i went to see her though i never tld her so. I've also taken two very small ODs on Citalopram, but that was only a couple of tablets, that's because u realise the amount im given won't kill me or do me serious harm so i rationalise what's the point of ODing on them. However if my dose is upped then ill be given X amount for two weeks and i know that will cause me to be more likely to OD, as it's more likely that could do me harm.
My mood fluctuates from ok to very bad. By ok i mean i have the ability to function, i'm still down, life still seems pointless, but im able to get up, go to lectures, do normal things. On a very bad day i can do pretty much nothing.
I have problems with my sleep, i tend to wake up early, and get little to no sleep. There are various reasons for this, but i dont want to talk about that yet. I also have very vivid dreams which can cause me problems.
Sometimes i get quite paranoid. I often think people are looking and laughing at me. Sometimes it gets worse and i think everyone's against me or people can read my mind or this world isn't actually real and it's all in my head. It's difficult becuase i never know when these thoughts are going to take control or how bad they'll be.
I have intense fears of being abandoned, which is actually another reason i've not opened up to you. I didn't turn up to my last few sessions with Dr Clare because i felt completely abandoned. The smallest comment or action can trigger these feelings, and this often puts a strain on my relationships with people and often causes me to back away or not risk it with people in the first place.
As i commented before i sometimes feel nothing is real. These feelings can be quite intense sometimes and can often lead on to other warped ideas/thoughts. When this thought/feeling hits its's not just a thought/feeling, the world also actually looks different, kind of dostant and unreal. I'm sorry, it's a really difficult thing to explain and is also something i don't think i've spoken to anyone about before.
My motivation and concentration is usually dreadful, which can lead to me getting very frustrated and angry with myself. My memory is also quite poor. As is my sense of time, i struggle to tell people when i did something unless i know the day/date. Hours can seem like minutes or days, days can seem like hours or weeks, and sometimes it can really get quite confusing.
I have these constant feelings of pointlessness, hopelessness, loneliness and emptyness. Sometimes they're not too bad, but sometimes they can be very intense, especially the feeling of emptyness.
I have no ambitions or aims in life. Thinking about the future scares me and i don't like thinking about it. People sometimes make me anxoius and panicky. Sometimes i'm ok, but sometimes being near other people can make me very panicky and anxious, but i think that link in with my paranoia.
That's all i want to let you know for now
From Sarah"
sorry its so long, but i finally thought i might aswell be properly honest.
as i said before views on my letter would be appreciated as would support for actually sending it..
That's very well written, and you should definitely send it to them.
You're so brave for even writing it!
I relate to quite a bit of what you've written...
*hugs* you can do this.
The letter is really well written and informative. Good luck tomorrow :)
Your letter surprised me, like Marko said, it's something I could have written. The bit about the world not feeling real and like it is in your head and sometimes people around you freaking you out was especially me and it is something I don't really talk about. Please let us know how it goes with the doctor.
hmm...just a little update
iv not posted the letter...im gonna try and just give it to him on wednesday and ask him to read it when im not there..
im just scared, giving him this letter, means really opening up to him, it also makes everything so real, if that makes sense? it makes it real and im gonna have to face it head on
..but i cant go on how i am doing, i got a letter from uni today about poor attendance. its affecting everything in my life and i need help..and i know the only way to get that is to open up to my gp, but its a big and scary thing to do..hmm..
I know this was a whilst ago but did you ever post the letter? I have an appointment tomorrow morning and could pretty much read your letter to my doctor, it sums me up that accurately.
would be interesting to here what the outcome was for you, how your doing now?
hope ya well.
hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head
hey, sorry iv only just noticed this threads back thanks to katie lol
i did give him the letter, not alot happened really. he read it and didnt really say much about it the next time i saw him. i think the problem is that alot of gps arent equipped to deal with such issues and dont have alot of experience dealing with mental health issues.
however the letter did clear up some confusion with the mht which is good i suppose
im still the same really, not progressed at all, but im trying to keep up the fight
how did your appointment go marko? are you thinking of giving them a letter or something?
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
