Triggering (Suicide) - Beautiful

EmTeeEm · 01-07-2007, 09:41 PM

I'm really not coping at all right now. Despite all the help I'm receiving, things are only getting worse and the only answer or reason for that i can come to is my inadequacy as a person. Maybe I'm deserving of this. It's been four years and I've realised that I can no longer remember the time before depression. I'm not naive enough to insist that I didn't have a past before this, but I don't have any of those happy memories to call upon anymore. All I can remember is this dark consuming blackness overwhelming me. There isn't any hope anymore. How can I recover without hope? I'm really not explaining myself properly at all. I don't even know what I'm posting or why rather. I've just come to the conclusion that it is the only way out. I sit in therapy and have the con's of suicide drummed into me. Those frequent awkward silences filling the room and still I sit and close my eyes and all I can see is me falling and falling towards some unsuspecting motorway or falling deeply into my final sleep after an OD. It's taken over everything. I'm not strong enough to fight it. It's there..It's here right now. It's my only peversely manufactured form of "hope", it's become beautiful. Death has become beautiful and despite frequent speeches from my GP/counsellor/psychiatrists about the effects it'd have on my family. How selfish it'd be. I just bcome further entwined with the edge. It's too hard to contemplate "life" past this existance. I'm grasping at every second of relief I can, desperately hacking away at my own skin. I'm alive right now yes. And yes this may be stopping the grief but isn't it as selfish to be holding me here drowning in depression than it is for me to flee and escape?

xxendlessxx · 01-07-2007, 09:48 PM

hun im so sorry, ive let you down as a friend and yet again, i dont know what to say to make you feel any better or that life is worth living. but please just remember one thing, that i love you and i dont know what i would do without you. as always, i will try my best and i know it isnt alot, but im here if you need me. day or night, please be ok sweet, love you cait xxxxxxxxxx

EmTeeEm · 01-07-2007, 09:50 PM

I know...I'm just a bad person sweet. I'm too tired to fight. Especially a battle that is already lost. I'm sorry. Love you xx

craola · 01-07-2007, 10:18 PM

There is hope.
There is always hope, even if you cant see it, you have to trust the people who love you and that you love. We cant see through the dark, we cant believe that others who have felt the same as us have made it through, but they have, and you will to.
All you have to do is keep yourself going. How old are you? You dont look old enough to know there is nothing good in life, you're just going by what you see now. How long have you been getting help? It doesnt happen straight away, hell it takes ages, but you have to trust that they know what they are doing because they do. Things only stay dark for a while, one day you will be so so glad you carried on fighting. You have to keep fighting.
Suicide is a permenant soloution to a temporary problem.
Its so true, have a look at this and this. These are both really well written and will hopefully help to change your mind a bit. You can fight this. You can.
I know it feels like people are selfish for wanting you to keep going, but killing yourself is the most selfish act anyone can do. They love you and they want you to try to get better, and you will, you just have to keep on fighting. Please use the forums, talk to us, talk to the wonderful Supporters, you can also talk to The Samaritans who are there 24/7.
Please keep fighting and stay strong.
Aimee xx

EmTeeEm · 01-07-2007, 10:23 PM

I'm 16, surely that'd make me too young. I've been in therapy for 3years and feeling like this for 4years.. The past months have been worse than ever. I;ve even started blaming my parents. Wishing they never had me. I'm an ungrateful cow I know. I haven't seen the world. Experienced all that I'm here to experience but with recovery only being a possibility not a guarentee I can't commit myself to another maybe when It'll only become another of my past failures. I've tried. Believe me I've tried. There has to come a cut off point though and perhaps it's a little premature in life to have reached it but I can't bare to go on anymore. xx

Too Shy · 02-07-2007, 07:33 PM

Please keep fighting. There's nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but please don't give up - things can get better. Maybe not yet, and it will take time, but they can get better. There's still hope, and recovery is a possibility.

The people who want you to keep fighting want you to keep fighting for a reason - they care about you, and they wouldn't care about you if you were a bad person.

Keep fighting, stay strong xx

EmTeeEm · 02-07-2007, 11:11 PM

I just wish it'd stop even for a moment but it won't it can't it never will...I'm sorry, I really am, be okay xx

svenn · 04-07-2007, 07:52 PM

i know exactly how you feel. but it does get better. let me ask you a few questions? have you been seeing the same therapist for a while? if that is the case then it might be time for a new one. my sister had the same problem. after she changed therapists she completely turned around in about 6 months. she was with last one for about 2 years. also you mentioned od. are you taking anything? many drugs can have depressive side effects. if you are it might help to get them out of your system.
i am sure that you have been happy at some time in your life. try looking at photo albums of when you were a kid. there are probably some of you smiling, laughing and the such.