I don't fully know what I am going to say here, I just want to get some stuff off my chest so excuse me whilst I go for it.
for the benefit of most, here is a little background.
I'm 23, have been SH'ing since I was about 13, eep. I've never looked at it like that, 10 freakin years. anyhow, I haven't SI'd much this year, I can count on one hand in fact. I have however taken to other means of screwing myself up. I'll not go in to detail as that is not needed.
I have not been in care for about 3.5 years, I discharged myself, it wasn't 'for me'.
I spent my teenage years depressed, lonely, truely miserable. I have no idea how I survived them.
in my late teens I was diagnosed schizoaffective disorder but refused pro help or meds, if it is something in my head then it is something I want to work on myself. This I have done for about 3 years with not too much bad times, so be it mostly spaced out.
I do not know for sure what has been real and what I have made up over the last few years. I regularly feel myself struggling to know what is going on, things get confusing, blurred if you like. The worst seems to be public places, supermarkets are horrific. I hate them.
This isn't making sense, I don't think.
Anyhow, lately I have been sstruggling more than usual, i've been feeling very down and disconnected. I have been fighting the urge to SI for far too long. Ive taken to other ways of hurting my body, not good ways. I cant c-- as I now live with my fiance and the only thing in the world I dont want is to see her sad.
If it wasnt for her I wouldnt be here, simple as.
This still isn't making sense.
ok, at least im trying to clear my head, its not working all so good but im trying.
im going to have to stop and let this do, ill try and explain tomorrow some more, hopefully I will be less spaced out.
:(
hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head
When you say you haven't been in care for three years, do you mean seeing a doctor or psychiatrist about your problems?
I would suggest seeing a doctor about what you are experiencing, they should be able to help be it with some sort of counselling/talking therapy or medication.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
well done for posting this, did it help any letting it out? it does make sense. i am sorry you have been struggling. you said you do not no how you survived them, but you did and your hear telling us what you have been through. it's good you have your girlfriend keeping you going. what is it you feel when your in open spaces, supermarkets, do you feel scared, panicky? do you have any professional support? please keep fighting you have done so well to get this far. i am only a pm away if you need to talk. xxx
Last edited by Louise : 12-11-2008 at 10:52 PM.
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
yeah controlfreak, havent seen a doc or shrink or professional of any sort for about 3 years. I don't really want to go back either. yes I know it could help.
louise,
not sure if it was of any benefit at all to let it out, other than it is now on here rather than all in my head. I dont have anyone to talk to about some things, at least nobody I want to discuss them with.
As for supermarkets and such, busy places, its not really panicy or scared, more confused, lost. i suppose there is a small degree of anxiety there too but mostly i just feel lost, like im not sure what on earth is going on or where i am or what i need to do. its silly really.
no pro support. dont even remember the shrinks name!
thanks for the replies AND HUGS!
nice to know at least I can still rant away on here! some things stay the same eh.
hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head
