Nothing matters anymore but then again ... it does

GirlHoping · 12-11-2008, 08:03 PM

Hi. I'm new here.
I wasn't sure where to post this, but I think mental health is probably the closest thread I'll get to my problem. Coz I have a MASSIVE problem.
I guess I'll start off straight: I don't feel like a human. I've posted threads like this before but I still feel bad the way I do now and for some reason, I am constantly changing the way I explain/describe my problem. Fluctuation of the mind, or something I guess..
Anyway, I really literally mean it when I say I dont feel human. I'm not even sure if 'feel' is the right word. Because you're human if you feel arent you. I know what a lot of people might say: that of COURSE I am human, theres just something wrong with my mind at the moment. And I would totally accept an answer like that because I sometimes think that. In fact, I even HOPE thats true because otherwise, the only other alternative is that I'm definitely NOT human - I may have been before - but now I've changed into something completely different. I dont mean in the physical sense, more like my whole mind has changed apart from my memories.
I would say that that thought makes me feel scared, but even this feeling in my chest as I'm thinking of that possibility doesnt even feel like the scared emotion I would associate with a human being, or all the other times I've felt scared in my life. This is like a mixture of utter dread/fright/aching longing (for something that is missing inside of me coz I know there is, it feels like theres a huge hole in my heart - not even a hole, Im not sure what shape it is). I feel like I could carry on with my life exactly like this, terrible, cold and above all trapped inside this horrible way of thinking. Also, I cry a lot since over a year ago. I think I probably cried almost everyday, but for most of them times I wasnt even sure what exactly I was crying about. I think maybe I always cry because I feel trapped, and its impossible for me to ever feel properly 'alive' again.
If I can tell you one thing for certain, it is that I definitely do NOT think like everybody else. I dont mean to put myself out there or anything but it is true. There are so many things I could say about that, but it'd probably take half a year to describe it all (not even kidding). For example, when I look at a photo of myself when I was younger that person looks and seems like a completely different person from me now. Well, probably because my brain is completely different right now. But I always get a warm feeling from it a happy feeling and an overwhelming feeling of longing. Some people say its low self esteem, but if that were so how come I KNOW that my past self was actually a pretty cool girl and I like that person? I dont think its LSE but more like I just HATE the way Im thinking about EVERYTHING at the moment.........and yet
I sort of LIKE it almost aswell. I wouldnt say like but thats the closest word I can think of. Its like this is everything that I believe in now, I believe that NOTHING in the whole universe matters anymore. Seriously. I know there are plenty of people who are depressed and I appreciate that and they feel as if nothing matters anymore. But the thing is, when they say that they dont truly mean it like I do (sorry if anyone is depressed - heck I might be aswell I dont know) I feel as though it wouldnt matter at all if i was living by myself in a corner in a shack in another part of the world with no family. I dont care about my hair. And YET.. at the same time I care so much, because another logical part of my mind speaks common sense - it tells me i MUST care for my family and love them (I dont think I understand or feel love anymore) and I should godamn appreicate what ive got because there are people starving around the world....but I CANT HELP but feel this way and think this way. I feel like theres no point in talking, reading, eating, sleeping etc. I cant even read/write/talk properly anymore. Thats gonna be hard to explain properly aswell. I know the evidence that im writing this right now suggests that I CAN write properly, but I mean like the way I THINK when I write a story for instance is weird. I find it hard to think of words and my sentence structure is appalling at time, even though I was great at english before. I often use the same words and only 1 or 2 types of sentence structure aswell, my mind feels so CLOSEMINDED. Thus, this affects my talking skills aswell.
I hope someone can sort of even begin to understand exactly how meaningless I think everything is by reading this.
I feel a lot of the time that this world isnt real as well. That the universe doesnt really exist and theres no purpose AT ALL to it all. I hate this stupid part of my mind. The thing is, I didnt think this 2 weeks ago though. By the way, I have to stress that when I say I dont think anything really matters, its not because something ELSE is making me so sad - more than anything the fact that I AM thinking and feeling this is distressing me the most.
I've been feeling this way for over 3 years now, but it didnt start like this. Its like my thoughts and feelings and my way of thinking turned slowly slowly more abstract, and weird. At first they were little things like feeling hurt at things people said to me even when there was nothing to be hurt about. It grew worse. I then felt apart from my family because everything around me was changing to something unknown and unfamiliar. My perspective of EVERYTHING has completeley changed right down to the gravel at my feet. When I went to Disneyland for the first time in my second year of feeling weird it didnt really matter to me that I was actually at Disneyland the place I really wante to go to. I thought that was weird, and also then was the first time I got a cold tidal wave of sadness mixed with a weird feeling of guilt (i have no idea why), and being trapped.
Another thing people say the problem is, is depersonalization. I dont think its that either. People who suffer from this describes that they have it in fazes and they feel like 'stepping out of their body and watching from above or behind' but Im not really any of those. Its more like I'm nothing, Im not even stepping behind or anywhere, I am just my brain - actually, just complex thoughts, THINKING. I feel like I dont have a soul.

And yet...even with all of this horrible thinking, I can still maintain being human - like I still sleep, eat, drink, go out, do all the things you normally do but feeling as though everything is rubbish. And yet at the same time I sometimes feel like things are very cool, like when I see a cool-looking celebrity I think "Wow he/she looks really cool, a lot of people probably think so too." Now, I dont know what significance is in that thought but maybe someone can think of something?
I feel as though I havent experienced anything at all in the last 3 years, like learning new things in the past, meeting new people, even though it has all happened to me, it just doesnt feel as though it has.
Another thing that could be important, is that I always seem to be almost TALKING to myself in my head. Thats hard to explain properly.Like you know when you think normally, you dont use words right? You just think. Like you think that handbag looks really nice, but I have a lot of WORDS in my head.
What could that mean?
There are those frightening moments when i feel as though its totally fine if I just sit back and do nothing about the way I am right now, but theres another part of my mind that panicks and shouts at me not to, to do ANYTHING to get out of this craziness. I hope that part of me can override this.
I just want to be OK again, and have settled comfortably in a place where I will never again stray to think about unsettling things like 'I'm not even here' and 'what is this world here for'
Thanks for reading everyone, any opinions would be appredciated. But please dont tell me I've got a particular illness or whatever because I probably wont believe it as there are so many more things about my problem that I could deny it with. I just wanted to know if anyone could discern something in my problem that could mean something, and possibly be an answer to help me get OUT of this.
ps. Ive been to see 2 counsellors and a doctor.
Im thinking of seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist <not sure about how that works.

Oh, and Im also 16 but please dont say this is normal and just a phase. I know it isnt. Sure, depression/low self esteem may be part of the issue but normal people with those issues do NOT feel as weird as this.

And lately, another horrible thought cropped up in my mind (like the next stage in this madness): why is there life? I dont feel any point to it (though Im NOT going to commit suicide, not even close although considering the context of this thread its kinda funny huh?), and what is the point of happiness? I understand they are silly questions because my normal common sense tells me so, but it doesnt stop me feeling and thinking it.
I really just want help as this is destroying my life.

guiltyinnocence · 13-11-2008, 09:40 AM

*hugs*
i can relate to alot of the things you've said. you really aren't alone with your thoughts. and you've managed to describe things i experience in a way iv never been able to.
im sorry im of no use at the moment, but i just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
what have your previous counsellors and doctor said about all this? have you thought about going to your doctor again and seeing what support they can offer?
feel free to pm me anytime
xxxx

sherlock holmes · 13-11-2008, 10:50 AM

I can relate to some of the things you wrote.

When you said you don't feel human because you don't feel, maybe you are experiencing numbness- feeling blank and emotionless.

I can TOTALLY relate to the aching feeling and the hole in the heart (I think of mine as a hole inside of me). It ties in with depression. Many depressed people feel a physical pain or ache and often report feeling like something is missing from them.

And looking at photos of yourself and feeling different, it sounds as if you feel disconnected from the way you used to be. It could be low self esteem or it could be depression.

It does sound as if you are depressed. Seeing a psychiatrist would be a good idea as they can help you with this, or it might be something else.

Please remember that any advice you get here is no substitute for proper medical advice and you need to see a doctor.

tamobhuuta · 13-11-2008, 06:38 PM

i don't know what it is but so many times i would describe myself in the same way, so i won't tell you you're human or anything else particularly helpful, but i wanted to say tell someone. if that eprson doesn't or can't help, tell someone else. i don't think things like this often pass by themselves once it's been going on 3 years. but that's ok. just someone needs to know: someone in your family, a responsible friend, someone at school, a doctor. best of luck xxx

GirlHoping · 13-11-2008, 09:26 PM

Thankyou for your replies guys. As cheesy as it sounds, it means a lot to know people will listen.
I've told my best friend about me being sad over a year ago now but she just thinks im very insecure and am a bit depressed; I guess to some extent thats true, but she doesnt know anything about the weird thinking and the fact that everything seems to have turned upside down in my eyes, whereas everything has really stayed the same.
My family also know that I'm upset and my mum knows better that I'm thinking really weirdly. It makes me want to cry whenever she tries to talk to me about it but I don't know why. At the same time I feel annoyed because it seems to me that nothing will be gained if i tell her every confusing thought in my head, coz she wouldnt be able to help me. I have tried to explain the stuff that goes on in my head but she always doesnt understand fully, and thats why I feel like I need to see a psyhcologist or someone in that feild
Its all just so weird... it's like im living in my own world where everything is so different and I know in a small part of my mind that everybody else thinks completely differently from me and doesnt even BEGIN to think about the things I ALWAYS think about. My mind is completely made up of all the crap above now. And because of that, people often misunderstand me through my tone of voice, words, and just everything. I always seem to read my old diary from 4 years ago and think, well why cant I be like that? But it seems to be completely impossible now coz to be like that I have to change my thinking.
Anyway, I just hope I can get out of this ..someday!