Just wanted to say hi and give a mini update on me as I havent been about for a while.
I feel really selfish for my keeping away from RYL and for not replying to pms and emails and Im really sorry. I feel like ive shut myself off from RYL and its hard for me to come back. I feel like im living in my own little bubble and im scared of it bursting. I read every post and think about you all often, but im too scared to venture out of my bubble.
Ive been back at work for 6 weeks now, Im working two days a week, four hours a day. Its hard work and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, but on the plus side it does make me feel as though Im actually contributing something when Im there. That I am doing something of value with my life. The staff have made me feel very welcome and although I still feel like a new person, that feeling is gradually wearing off. My husband still drives me there and sits with me in the car until its three minutes before the start of my shift. I take nothing in with me so I dont have to visit the staff room and use my locker. My payslip still sits in the staff room as I havent got the nerve to venture up there yet. But I guess it will happen one day. Each day work gets a little easier for me.
Unfortunately, self harming is still part of my life. But that suicidal urgency and that desperate, desperate feeling deep inside is gradually lessening. I no longer dash off to A and E for my wounds. I have come to the decision that my arm is permanently a mess and that theres not much they can do for me anymore. So I look after them myself.
Therapy is getting hard as we are tackling difficult issues, but I do think we are slowly but surely getting there.
I am nolonger on venlafaxine. I have shanged to citalopram which seems to be helping me more, and I take chlorpromazine for those days when anxiety gets the better of me.
I scare myself writing this because I am scared of it all being snatched away from me. I really do feel that im on the road to recovery and if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone of you. Im not recovered, im on my way to recovery. I still feel the need to punish me and I still get angry with me and my inadequacies. I still have urges that I cant always fight off. But things are definately different and better than two months ago.
Now Ive posted and come out of hiding I will try to support when I can and not hide away again. Much love to all xx
Glad to hear work's going okay and that you feel you're on the road to recovery.
Lovely to hear from you, hope things keep becoming more positive.
Much love
Arwen x
Rowie, ive been of the opinion for a very very long time that RYL is more damaging to your particular health than it is good and im glad you are not on here all the time.
Its fantastic news about the job and im dead proud of you.
Its even more fantastic they finally took you off that **** and put you on something less horrendous!!!!!!
Seriously you should have been off that two years ago!
I know you want to post and support. However, i think weening yourself off here is a good thing. Some may disagree but i stand by what i say as i truely believe its for the best.
Your life is starting to re-build itself. Its amazing.
Its not going to be easy and its going to scare to poo out of you. But youve planted a seed that things can change and no matter how bad times may be, that seed will never be removed. It may lay dormant for a while, but when given a chance it will start to grow as it is now. Heh, similar to the Plumeria i guess.
I am so pleased to hear you are doing better Rowie and very very proud of you!
I have to agree with the penguin that sometimes RYL is a bad environment to be in because it attaches us to a world where damaging ourselves is almost acceptable. Please don't worry about posting, support etc everyone understands and we are here if you ever need to talk.
Glad the citalopram is working for you too :)
I think that recovery can be quite volatile but now that you have experienced what it is like to feel better, hopefully that will give you something to cling onto if you do have bad days. You can beat this Rowie, everything you have accomplished over the last few weeks and months should show you what a survivor you are.
I miss you around here, but would much rather miss you than see you hurting and triggered unnecessarily.
Unfortunately, self harming is still part of my life. But that suicidal urgency and that desperate, desperate feeling deep inside is gradually lessening. I no longer dash off to A and E for my wounds. I have come to the decision that my arm is permanently a mess and that theres not much they can do for me anymore. So I look after them myself.
Hey Rowie!
I am so thrilled to hear from you! Life looks like it is giving you favor and I am so appreciative that you are taking a portion of it. There are times when emergency rooms can worsen the damage you have done to yourself from a mental stand point. As long as you look after yourself and keep them clean, you should be good. If you need them, they are there for you.
Weening yourself from here I think was a good decision for you. We are worried about you, love you, and feel for you. It is my feeling and thinking that this place was placing blocks on your road to recovery. I am tearful when I see hope in the quote above that the suicidal feelings are lessening. Getting a job was a huge step for you and your comfort zone, but as you can see, getting out and just being around others, can be beneficial for you.
I hope you will find the life you deserve Rowie. Please do not feel you must reply to any posts. As long as we know you are still there for me to ruffle your hair, for Matthew to brush it out, and for Rach to fix it nice, we are here for you.
Rowie! Honey i am very glad you've updated though I agree with Matt the RYL can be detrimental to you at times! *cuddles* Just want you to know i'm proud of you for working and for moving forward!
*cuddles* love you honey!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
It's not selfish to do the things that helps you be safe and well. It's wise. If RYL is having a negative effect, it's smart to stay away. We just want you to be okay. xxx
i actually CRIED HAPPY TEARS reading that!!!
im so so so happy and damn proud of you!!!!!
youve worked SO hard and its paying off sweetie.
i TOTALLY understand you staying away from here.
in fact, i posted somewhere that i hoped you were staying away because you didnt NEED it!!!
PLEASE dont hinder yourself with RYL. DONT let it upset you!!!
STAY on this road darling.
i love you to itty bitty pieces.
this has made my day.
*snuggly wugglies*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
