Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Love/hate. [poss graphic SI/definate graphic Sexual Abuse trgis]now more positive?
You know what I love, more than anything?
Watching tiny pricks of blood well up into small balls, merging with each other, until they join up. Then it runs down the arm, onto the bed or tissue or whatever, and spills there, ever expanding, until I time that I see fit to stop it.
You know what I hate?
The tidying up, disposing of stuff, hiding it from my house-mates.
I don't care. The love over-rides the hate soo much.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : *VERY TRIGGERING* - extremely sexually graphic
Plus, I hate flashbacks of having a massive **** ripping my arse open more.
Last half hour has been spent leading up to this moment. I made it worth it too.
Last edited by typsee : 13-11-2008 at 11:51 PM.
Reason: added a hide box for the sexually graphic content.
*squishes*
not of any help right now.
i guess we all to what we have to in order to survive.
please be careful.
and im really sorry youre experiencing this.
i hope that you can start to talk about the rape WITHOUT being in robotic mode. i know what thats like. i can sit and tell someone everything without shedding a tear.
but when i connect with the feelings about it..thats whats important.
love you chels.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Okay, so, the nights are the most flashbacky time for me. Luckily I didn't cut too deep or too much, but still a fair amount.
I'm not gonna let this stop me getting help though. No ****ing way. Even if it does become this painstakingly slow process, I will fill out at least one ****ing question on that questionairre a day.
I'm 19 years old, ffs. That's 5 years, roughly, since it happened. Since I started cutting, too. Amazing how quick time goes by.
By the time I'm 24 I don't wan this to be something I even think about. I want a complete reversal of everything. And even if I don't get that, I want to have done something, because there's no ****ing way I'm wasting another 5 years of my life on that ****.
I don't know if I'm sounding completely mad here but I just wanted to say it.
I think you're an inspiration.
For how brave you've been and how brave you are being by getting the help, even though it feels worse for a while.
You've actually got me thinking of telling my pyschologist next week 'bout some stuff.
If you can be this bloody strong just for thinking of doing it, so can I. (I hope >.<)
Butyeah.
I think you're amazing.
That pretty much sums it up.
I love you Chels1<3
I agree with little Chels,
I contacted a rape crisis thing and got sent a questionairre too, but I abandoned it. It is hard opening up and getting help about these things and in the short-term might make things more painful as you dredge up the past. But it will be worth it in the long run. You deserve to be free of flashbacks and nightmares.
Look after yourself
xxx
Y'know Chels .... in your posts on this thread, you can actually FEEL all of the inner strength and determination you have to overcome the horrors that you have experienced in your life, and I believe that it is this strength and motivation that is what is going to be the most helpful to you in order to regain control of your life!
No one should have to go through these horrible flashbacks, and the post-traumatic effects that you have endured for so long now .... and I think its awesome that you are seeking professional and expert counselling in order to help you recover!
You are so strong so smily and going through so much. You can do all you want to do even if you don't feel like it now.
xoxox
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I'm completely skint. I have no income, because they won't let me on JSA. I'm in the middle of having to decide whether to drop out of uni altogether so I can get on it, or whether to give up and go home, or just try to find a ****ing job really quickly. And I can't do all three at once.
I have council tax to sort out, and my house-mates are being the most unhelpful ever by not being arsed to get their "I am a student" forms signed/have lost them.
I'm starting Rape Therapy soon & gotta do that form and it's just bringing stuff up too.
& I have the car crash court case coming up within the next couple of weeks.
& I have my referal to the main mental health place in southampton next thursday.
& living with people that keep spending money on my behalf and not realising that when I say I can't afford it, I really can't afford it. & having a go at me because I don't have a job when I'm really ****ing trying. & arghhhhhh.
& eZine stuff & fundraising stuff which is about the only thing I love doing but don't have the time for, which pisses me off more.
Could someone from hospital maybe have helped you?
honey I wish i could help you! There has to be some sort of advocacy group near you! Grrr... what abotu at the uni? if you're still enrolled, they should help!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
