I have been trying for several weeks now to sign on and be supportive of others on RYL, instead I sign on, stare at the computer, maybe read a couple posts, and then close the window. I cannot formulate a response to people's posts, what once came easy to me just a few months ago is gone. I try to sign in to chat and I want to sign off as soon as I open the window. This year has been one of the more trying years of my too long life, but I feel like I am changed somehow, different, worse, less than I used to be.
I know that I went way downhill over the summer, some of you may remember, some of you may have helped me during that time. The evidence is gone, I deleted it several months ago so that people would forget me. (If there is no evidence of my existence, then I must not exist) It seems to have worked to a certain extent, which is good, I did not want to cause people pain while I was so far down. I am not there anymore, yet I am not sure where I am. I go through the motions, I go to work, I go home. What have I become? It feels like an empty shell.
I wish I could explain, maybe then I could get help, maybe then I could offer help. I equate it somewhat to the same as being in a foreign country, listening to people speak, you hear the words, you see the faces, but none of it makes any sense, there is no comprehension of what is being said. It is similar to that, but on a deeper level. I am a stranger to myself, I am a foreigner to myself.
I would suspect that others have been through this, have felt this way, but right now it feels very lonely, very empty. I am not sure, but I think I would take the way I felt this summer over this. At least there was some specifics to it, yeah I ended up inpatient for an extended stay, but even that was better than nothing. This is nothing, this is empty. I have not self-injured, I don't think it would help, I don't think I would feel it at all, and that would be dangerous.
Please forgive the length of this, I have been trying to get this out for quite some time, still don't think I accomplished getting anything out, but it is a step in some direction.
Honey, I never forgot you. I check up on you but I didn't think you'd want any messages so I didn't write. *cuddles*
Have you spoken to your doctor about this feeling? I'm not sure what it is but I just wnat you to know i'm thinking about you and hope one day your ligth can shine through again. *cuddles*
Jess
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I have discussed with the doctor, although it is tough, with the threat of additional inpatient time hanging over my head, I find it difficult to be completely open. I have to learn to live outside of the hospital, somehow. It was not exactly safe in there, but it is less safe out here.
I feel like a jumbled mess, so even if I were not afraid of being admitted again, I don't know that I could get my point across. I have to hope that she is capable of figuring it out with the limited info that I can give.
you never stopped existing for me.
i have, in fact, wondered where you'd been.
im glad to see you back.
im not sure i have any words to offer.
thinking of you.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
dont quite know what to say. just wanted to let you know that i'd read your post. think i kinda understand what you've been speaking about. the feeling empty, going through the motions of everyday life. sorry not got anything better to say.
Thank you all for replying, really do wish I could describe what I am feeling, but honestly, from reading others posts, it appears that others have felt this as well.
I don't really know hat else to say, except...
I love Jeff!!!!
You are still my "daddy" <3
I am soooooo sorry I haven't been around RYL/ more supportive for you, but things have really been absolutely crazy for me lately...
We're all in the same game;
Just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell;
Just different demons.
I think you accomplished alot! More than just writing words; you have described the hell of MI perfectly; the feeling nothing. The being a shell, unable to react to anything. I can oh so relate to that feeling, its true, you resaally arent alone altho i know it feels that when you are lost in nothingness. You gave it a very apt analogy, it IS just like you described.
I wonder if you have a couns/therapist/psych/etc? If so, i would print this off and give to them. If not, i would strongly suggest finding someone; you dont need to fight this alone, you really dont. Yes, its a bitch and hard finding someone and then trying to find the words and even just making youself go is a struggle at times.
Are you on meds? If so, id say you need to think about a change in them, either something else or a dosage adjustment cos they arent working!
You can PM me anytime and i'll give you my email if you like, if you want to talk more....
Here if you need/want; you arent alone
*holds out hand *
romp
