Well, I saw my psych again this week and she has upped my Quetiapine (naughty me had been using the 200 previsouly prescribed to get to sleep) so have enough for night and also anohter 200 for daytime. I told her I will give it a go. We spoke about a load of things, which in itself a minor miracle as I am rubbish at speaking to people and only spoke to her properly for the first time last month. The one thing that sticks in my mind is that she would like to get my sh back to a coping mechanism instead of it being wrapped up in the chaos i.e. no pressure to stop fully right now.
I haven't actually cut for a week as of tonight and would really like to give it a go again re stopping but think a more realistic immediate goal is to reduce it to it being a coping mechanism again.
Yesterday I received my practising certificate from the SRA, my paperwork was finally sorted and have been a solicitor since the beginning of the week. Somehow my Section 136s didn't show up on my CRB : ) The thing is as some of you may be aware, I'm taking a step back and will be a paralegal in a few weeks time instead. I felt rubbish yesterday when the certificate arrived as it reminded me of how much things have ended up screwed up as of late. But guess what? I didn't cut. You prob don't realise the significance of it but it has been a difficult decision to give it up for the timebeing and instead of taking it out on myself I didn't.
Today, have had incredible urges to cut again and to OD but so far haven't. I would like to try and get through the weekend without cutting.
Sorry for the long post but by putting it into writing so to speak it is as if I am properly committing to it. It would be nice to have some encouragement as it is already difficult today.
Thanks.
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 13-11-2008 at 08:56 PM.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You have shown yourself already that you are able, at times, to work through your desire to self harm and OD. So if you've done it once, twice or twenty times before you CAN resist the urges that you are having today to cut/OD.
Is there anything you can do today to keep your mind off it? Going for a walk, a bit of shopping, curling up with a DVD, surfing the net? Just a few examples!!
Does it help you to be around people so youre not alone and if so can you do that?
If you want to get through this weekend safely then I believe you can do it. Ive trained as a counsellor and have seen examples of people who say they dont want to cut but really theyre half hearted about it and then end up self harming whereas the people who genuinely wanted not to self harm managedeven though its tough to keep safe.
My PM box is always open if you need it.
*hugs*
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Thanks for the reply. I've been trying to keep busy - even went to the supermarket. I'm going to watch x-factor tonight and when that isn't on I'm going to do some maths (I've signed up for OU maths course so currently re-capping my A-level maths from many years ago). Ended up taking some of my Quetiapine this afternoon and had a little nap - the worst of the urges wore off for a short while.
Unfortunately my housemate is away this weekend and so I am alone and night times are worst for this.
I really do want to get through the weekend and I know what you mean about people being able to do it. I posted so that I had people to answer to aswell so that it wasn't a half-hearted attempt.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I know how difficult weekends can be but please try and be safe. Keep posting if you need to. I'm sorry that I don't know else what to say but sending lots of *hugs* keep fighting urges xxxx
They won't shut up. Why won't they go away. I really do want to get through this weekend. I wish I didn't have to listen to them. Sorry to post, trying to ignore the urges. Don't even know why I have the urges so strong now.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I ignored them. They were taunting me and mocking me last night but I ignored them and I didn't cut . Urges are still there this morning but I'm going to keep fighting (with the help of my meds ). Will it get any easier? I'm doing some maths to distract me right now then going to have a bath. It's a shame it's raining as it means I can't go out for a wander so it is going to be harder. Sorry to post as this isn't exactly a big achievement by everybody else's standards.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Yes it is a big achievement and thats rubbish about everyone elses standards. We are all different and that is what makes us human and interesting! Something that is a strong point for you can be someone elses worst nightmare and vice versa.
(I love x factor too by the way and watched it last night!! Random lol!)
Also you have every right to post on RYL as much as you need to. After all this is a site to give support, understranding etc so if you need support make the most of what RYL has to offer
And yes it has to be possible that things can get easier. Thats why we have hopes and dreams :)
*hugs* honey
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Sorry, this is pathetic. Urges becoming too great. It's getting dark, I'm by myself, trying to distract. The feeling of dread for the week ahead. Help What is the point in trying? We all know I am going to end up cutting later.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Thanks, that made me think. I know in some ways things are worse than they were this time last year but in other ways they are so much better - the meds I am on now help me sleep, I haven't taken an OD requiring treatment since May, I haven't been found unconscious through drink for about 4 weeks. This time last year, I didn't care and was actively suicidal, I cut virtually every day sometimes more than once whereas I am fighting right now. Yes, other areas are messed up and I am not where I envisioned my career to be heading but yes, hanging on in there this weekend is a good thing. Thanks, your post made me have a think and it is better; no matter what the voices say, things are the best they have been for a while.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You deserve it. You think this is really an achievement? You think this will change anything? You've thrown away everything, this doesn't matter. You're never going to beat us. Why do you keep trying? Why not do everybody a favour and be done with it.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I can't get them to shut up. They're only telling me the truth. Why am I actually trying? It can't be for work anymore as I am taking a step back because I am too weak and pathetic. So that leaves the question - why am I fighting?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You are fighting because you want your quality of life to improve and you know that in order to do that you need to keep trying. And if you fall down reach out your hand and we'll help pull you up again.
Can you take any medication for the voices? Not an OD or more than you should though.
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Can't take any medication for the voices. Although I am on an anti-psychotic it is to help with the anxiety and impulsiveness to reduce my sh i.e. calm me down abit in my moods, which is supposed to indirectly help with the voices as I tend not to have as many problems when I am calm or had a good day - they are pseudo-hallucinations so not really anything they can do, I can't even hallucinate properly. Trust me they are still very disturbing! I had some prn earlier and will prob take my nightime dose earlier so can get off to sleep earlier. I just don't like this whole hanging on in there. The longest I've lasted without cutting in recent history (ie the past couple of years) is 1 week and a half to 2 weeks, after which everything gets really crazy. It's those crazy episodes I want to stop as well as reducing my sh. Sorry, just waffling.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
It's those crazy episodes I want to stop as well as reducing my sh. Sorry, just waffling
One youre not waffling and two how about you read the quote above which I took from your post. You say youre tired of hanging on but you are still doing it even though its really tough at the moment. Remember what you put...you want to stop... thats what keeps you hanging on
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
You're good at this! Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to make me think about things. My CPN is good at this but I reckon there aren't many people who can do that, so thank you!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
No problem, anytime. I like to help people, it takes my mind off my own problems for a bit :)
Nice to hear youve got a good CPN! I love where I live but the mental health services are bloody awful, lol. Stick to Manchester by the sound of it!! :)
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
. Urges are still there this morning but I'm going to keep fighting (with the help of my meds 
). Will it get any easier? I'm doing some maths to distract me right now then going to have a bath. It's a shame it's raining as it means I can't go out for a wander so it is going to be harder. Sorry to post as this isn't exactly a big achievement by everybody else's standards.
What is the point in trying? We all know I am going to end up cutting later.