few days ago i burned my hand. its going to leave a nasty scar. yes, this was si.
tonight Kelly and her daughter have gone to a movie. i didnt go because Noa wanted time alone with her mother. i fully understand.
but ive sat here and burned again...this time my other hand and more extreme. i want more but i dont want kelly anymore upset than shes already going to be.
i still slip up and cut occasionally....but rarely.
ive turned to burning and ive never really done that type of si. but im realizing that it actually calms me more than any si.
i feel so ashamed right now. a failure. these are both going to leave scars that i will have no explanation for.
my psych says im experiencing "delayed grief".
i have never missed my father as much as i have the past 2 weeks.
also, it doesnt help that my tailbone is dislocated because im on strong pain meds and muscle relaxers. and being physically impaired has a major effect on my emotions. i cant do much around the house. basically just lay around.
i need help. but im already in therapy once a week and on meds.
im not going into hospital. its only temporary and its never ever helped me before.
im NOT suicidal. im opposite. i want to live very badly. i just feel the need for punishment and if not that...the need for harm to unleash all these pent up emotions.
i dont know what to do anymore....
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
*Hugs* I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. You don't have to be ashamed. The road to recovery's a hard one. Everyone here understands. Unfortunately the *real* world isn't always as kind but you shouldn't have to worry about explaining them either. I know how nosy people can be and how seemingly innocent questions about scars can hurt. But in reality it's none of their business and you have every right to tell them so. Or make up some completely outrageous excuse and dare them to challenge it. Most people won't.
I'm sorry you're missing your father so much lately, I understand where you're coming from. My grandmother passed away in march '07 and there are still days when it tears me apart more than usual and I miss her so much I swear I won't survive the pain. I know it hurts like hell and it'll never go away but I promise it'll get a bit easier with time.
Not being able to do much must be hard. Could you do wordsearch or crossword puzzles or listen to music maybe? just something to distract you for a bit. Maybe write, draw or sing to release your pent up emotions? Sorry I'm not being of much help here but I hope you know I really do care and I hope things get better soon. ~Jewel~
I try to love the sinner but it's more than the sin will allow. I've looked a long time into the dark,
hoping the truth would show me how
~Bad Cliché
Oh Rach hunni, im so sorry. I know how it is to burn, to find a new 'method' but soon it will be as cutting; it wont work and you'll get more and more extreme and burns are soooo easily infected.
I wish i had words....
Would increasing your therapy to 2x's a week be of benefit? Is that possible? Not sure if you pay for it or not....
Just wanted you to know im thinking of you and sending massive *hugs*
love
romp
romp, nah, my insurance wont cover. i wish it did. my therapist is amazing.
i forgot to tell you guys...about a month ago, i didnt have the money to fill the script for my xanax. i mentioned it in therapy and how i was worried about it. when i finished therapy...my therapist walked me out, as usual....then stopped at the pharmacy and said "picking up for Rachel-last name". i told him no no no....but he insisted. i was amazed. i have since payed him back. but i thought it was extremely generous of him. he assured me that he helps his patients as much as possible and he knew that was a big stressor for me. just wanted to share that.
i think its' that im getting into a deep part of therapy. i began to dissociate in almost every session now. we have to go so slow because when im dissiated we get noghtin accomplished. its agony getting through this. and the slow pace is hard. but he says if he pushes too hard...i'll shut down completely...and i trust that.
anyhow...didnt mean to write a book. thanks again guys.
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
rach i'm so happy you have a good therapist. That is so vital to you getting through this. I'm also glad the kelly and noa are actually spending some time together!
Honey, with the missing your father I have no idea what to say. I can't help really. *cuddles you tightly*
I love you
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Rachel, i'm glad to see you making progress, as painful and difficult as it is, it is growth.
Love you
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
very nice to see you Susan.
ive missed you.
*squishes you*
i think i may have hit an all time low.
ive just found out today that we all have to to knoxville this year for christmas to see Keith.
theyve always come here but now that my grandma is in a nursing home there...we have to go there.
this means that Keith wont be able to see many of his family here.
and its a 6 hour drive. it will hurt so bad with my tailbone the way it is. and i may even be post op. if they do the surgery before then.
im so sad for Keith.
im sad for me.
im extremely depressed.
but i havent harmed and dont intend to since it is getting so close to christmas.
i want to cry so bad. i can feel that all consuming, overwhelming lump in my throat that wont go away.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
buy some feme pads - they are feminie gel packs that you cool in the fridge then they have protective gauze covers, they're designed for post partum stitches but they're the perfect shape to use as an ice pack and no melting.
sit on as much as you can to stop any vibrations coming through from the road.
love u hun, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
im almost too depressed to type.
i dont even know what to say.
im tired.
its 6:30am and i havent slept yet and i still have take seroquel before i sleep and now it will be all off schedule.
more disappointing news. no surprise really. i may only get to spend one day with my son at christmas. and thats in a whole room of people. we will never have any "mommy/son time".
im so terribly low.
may not be on for a while. everything is so sad and depressing.
i want to go to bed now. i hope i can sleep. which means that kelly is going to have to get up and look after kaleb on her own. oh well...i cant help it.
love to all.
xxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
You know of all the people i know on this site i would say you would be in my top 3 for those who i have seen the biggest improvement and growth in. *nods*
You have had **** thrown from every angle and yet you have still carried on and more importantly you have MOVED on too.
I belive 100% in my heart that you are on the right path to getting to see your son more frequently. Its going to take a long time, but you have never given up. I know you have said you have on numerous occasions but its always been short-lived.
You have had many positive changes and i can honestly say im proud of you!
Sometimes i think that the "Keith situation" and the fight to be his mummy keeps you alive. I can understand from what i read the pain caused by being separated and i wouldnt want that for anyone. I do however believe its for a reason. Not just for his well-bieng as some social department sees it but for yours too. I truely belive its kept you alive, when im sure many would think its killing you.
Dont ever ever give up on him. dont ever let him think you dont love him. Keep on this path and things will get better.
You are his mummy. You always will be as long as you want to be.
A mushroom on toast? Oh well, I guess that sounds soft and springy.
Rach, I too have been impressed by how much you have been through and how hard you work to get through it, and how successful you've been in salvaging good things in your life-- a loving partner relationship, wonderful friendships, a (less than you want but still totally loving) relationship with Keith, self-awareness, kindness, etc. And now you have a therapist who seems really good for you.
I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now. I hope that you're able to take good care of yourself, and fight to get some 1-on-1 time with Keith at Christmas.
Dealing with stuff in therapy is so hard. Especially when it's rotten memories or whatever, you want to get it all over with-- hit bottom and go up. But in reality you can't do that safely, without becoming unhinged. So you do have to go slowly and keep the priority on staying as safe as possible while working through stuff-- which can be frustrating as all get-out. If I'm talking about really triggering stuff I have to make sure that I leave a cushion of time at the end of the session to stabilize and talk about neutral or positive stuff so I'm leaving in a safe space. But it does get better. And- I know you said your insurance won't cover 2x a week, but it might be worth pushing for again. I go twice a week and need that though I am fairly functional, but my therapist points out to the insurance people that it's much cheaper to pay for twice weekly therapy than for partial or inpatient hospitalization--which is probably what would happen without that level of support.
Hope you were able to finally get some rest. Take care.
I would say demand time with keith. He is YOUR son. You're not asking to take him home again becasue you don't want to disrupt him. But you want to spend time with him. So don't let them dictate what time you cna spend with him. Take YOUR time! *cuddles* i love you
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad Yellow. Jess is right, you deserve some time with your son. Please don't give up, I'm sure your a loving mum and he needs a mother's love.
Nathan xo
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx i wish i knew what to say but i dont big hugzzz xxxxxxx im sorry your feeling this bad right now big hugs xx
