Day off work.
Day stretches into nothingness.
Irritability.
Vulnerability.
Cramped waiting room at my doctors.
Wanting my dr to be like my therapist. But of course she isn't, although she's great.
No room to walk on the paths. Have to walk in the road again.
Speaking up and feeling humiliated.
One of my flatmates has had some health concerns, and went for a blood test today. I heard him talking on the phone about cancer. [he's worried he has it.]
DDA review meeting at work yesterday. Feeling utterly exposed. And ashamed. ****, I feel so ashamed of my illness. "Why should I expect special treatment?"
Connecting deeply with the time when I first got seriously ill. Feeling how alone and isolated I was then. Reaching out to the I I was then.
But feeling vulnerable. Utterly vulnerable.
And tearful.
A blanket is no substitute for a hug. But it's all I've got.
Kaite babe, you should never feel ashamed of the person you are.
It's not about expecting special treatment, it's about expecting understanding. If you were in a wheelchair, they would accomodate your needs. It's no different.
Don't ever feel humiliated or ashamed for the person you are. Regardless of what you feel or think when you're at your lowest ebb, none of this **** was your fault.
You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.
It may be no comfort, but if i was there, i'd give you a massive cuddle and give you my shoulder to cry on.
For now, you will have to make do with my special Laura virtual hug *Snuggly Cuddles*
Keep your chin up hunny. You're an inspiration for all..you just don't realise it.
lots of love
xx
Katherine, sweetheart, if you still want hugs when I see you in January [if you come] then I will be more than willing to give you enough to last you months, because someone as special and generous and kind and caring as you deserves them so much.
I'm feeling all tearful now.. your words mean a lot...
Plus I found 2 dreams from back in '95 when I was on the edge of breakdown. It aches to read them. It's a shock. I was a member of a dream group back then, and worked on them there. I've talked about them in therapy this week, because of connecting with my feelings from back then. This was when I was struggling with my first teaching job. Living in the school house on site, and then moved to my own place. This was when I believed I was going to die. This was when I was severely depressed and ill, and noone knew. Undiagnosed. Unknown. I'd forgotten myself, and allowed others to forget me.
I'm grieving for this. Grieving for myself.
Holding the pain consciously and gently.
I felt so raw and exposed and vulnerable when I got into bed last night. The only thing that helped was to imagine myself holding the I that I was back in the mid 90s.
I am really really tearful.
And my flatmate worrying about cancer.
There's another thing. When I was most ill *back then* I had a 'delusion' that every physical change was a sign of cancer. I made the dr [try to] do a smear test [failed, as I was too tensed up.] I made the dr send me for a blood test because I believed I had Hodgekins Lymphoma [warning, don't watch Casualty alone when you're feeling on the verge of breakdown..]
Back then also I was too terrified of anything resembling mental illness. I was too scared of people knowing I 'wasn't normal'. I taught in a village school and the playground was a hotbed of gossip and scandal like you'd never believe. My father brought me up to feel I was 'insane' and should be locked away and put in a strait jacket. He was terribly ill and untreated and undiagnosed himself. This is why stigmatising words trigger me terribly.
You wouldn't think, to know me now, that back then I couldn't even contemplate talking with anyone about my struggles and my pain. My mother suppressed all feeling. To this day she finds feelings hard to talk about. My dad is easier in that respect, surprisingly. But talking wasn't in my conception of the world. It was... keep moving, hide everything, hide yourself. Cry in private and don't let on anything's wrong.
Yes, I'm talking about all this in therapy now.
Now, it's the weekend.
And I'm on my own with it.
I did try to tell my GP this morning, but surgery was busy and I'm not in crisis..
Thanks for listening, and being a safe space for me here to talk about what's on my mind.
Any understanding, anyone who can relate, any empathy and kindness is welcome. Please.
I can relate with what you said about trying to show nothing was wrong, not talking and crying on your own. I used to be like that and still am to some extent. It's good that now you're able to talk about this in therapy but I can imagine it's very hard. Try to remember though that you don't need to do this on your own now. It's ok to show your emotions. Unfortunately some people do see mental illness as stigmatising but those who are worth it should not view it as so. It's nothing to be ashamed about.
I really hope your friend is ok. What in particular is upsetting you about remembering from when you were worried about it? Again I can kind of relate to that as well although in a way I suppose my fears were more rational - I had Hodgkins Lymphoma and after I went into remission I was still sure it was there. However, when you're ill your mind tends to think too much and get itself worked up into knots so you should not blame yourself for worrying about it.
I wanted to offer you a cuddle as your pain shows through what you've written. Grieving for yourself is understandable but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Hopefully you can work through this in therapy and it will get easier.
I'm sorry if I've said anything to upset you in this - I don't mean to. I'm here listening if you want to talk about anything.
*gentle hugs*
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Katie, I've had numerous 'health/ disability' assessment sort of things numerous times before over the last 3 and a half years so I know how hard they can be and how exposed you can feel and things but they are there to help you.
I am not confident to talk about mine on a public board for a variety of reasons but yeah I am having things adjusted for me and go through the mind thought of 'Why me? I don't deserve it' so I know how hard it can be and difficult to accept sometimes but it IS there to help and not give you advantages to anyone else, just put YOU on a LEVEL PLAYING FIELD as it were as everyone else.
You can always PM me regarding this but as I know how hard it can be though I'm not really able to talk about my own experiences on the forum!
