trig SI, urges graphic*

[Merc]

as t says....
I have smashed my nd with a hammer so far
i took my exta pills and , sadly, im havinbg a drink tmake the whirling in my head stop
d repeating, "'they' are not outside" or even scarier, "they are not INside"
I harmed yesterd and for the first time, it hurt. Which amkes me mad as hell.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic

I want to cut from my wrists up to my elbow, laying open and severing all the tendons and veins and nerves can

I started the version 3 of the FRay and romp frog takeovero try and distract me....it isnt working
I want to take the diet pills i have hid but im back on lithium and it is so higfhl dangerous to mix the two...funny i wanto do all this harm and something like that scares me....how stupid and nonsensical.
im all the sudden on the edge, no...i have gone over the edge of that all familar pit. Now im clinging to the sides, hoping i will slide no further.

Im trying to keep in mind how good my psych appt was. But i have fnally gotten up the nerve to write of being raped at gunpoint and all he did to me....and we never got to the letter. So we will undoubtably next week and now i have time to think of it im scared witless. I have only ever told my hubby, no one else....

Trying to ignore the man's voice telling me to go harm again......te woman is silent to a degree.
Im back to restricting. I ve gained weight and i loathe it...i feel e....no more
soon no more alcohol too, then the weight will really go.
rambling now....
hoping i can keep safe....

romp


(Some of what has triggered this isgetting my early retirement orms filled out and my doc putting my 'prognosis is very poor' and that i ' will never be stabenough to hold down a job relibly'. That hurt.... new friend wrote of how they dont like mething written down because then it exis...that is exactly true. I could stl fool myself for awhile that i could return twork....but that bubble burst on reality just days ago...anhas been confirmed....)

[Only Me]

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to give, but I just wanted to say that I read your post.

Please try and stay safe. *Hugs*

[SecretMe]

Oh hun... *hugs* I wish I could take it all away.

I don't know that anything I can say right now will make it a lot better. I can only hope that my deep concern, the fact that I REALLY do care about you, and that I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to you, will have some postive impact while you are in such a dark place trying so hard to hang on.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to go through what you did mentally and emotionally to prepare yourself with that letter only to have it post-poned for a week where it leaves it on your mind and causes havok on your emotions.

From everything you have shared I can tell you are going through hell right now and desperately want to hurt more physically instead of emotionally but you are also trying to fight with all you've got to hang on and not slip away into that darkness.

Please hang on. I know you can. Reach out more to us and any support system you have.

All of us are sending all the love, support, and care we can to you.

Is there any way you can get into contact with your psych and tell them what it is doing to you to have to hold off on dealing with such an explosive emotional issue and how afraid and out of control you feel about it?

As for not being able to go back to work, sweetheart, please try not to feel bad about yourself for that! There is no reason to! If so, then I should feel bad about myself, too. My doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist wrote almost the exact same thing about me. It was a little hard for me to accept in the beginning, especially because of my age, but I tried to work through it.

I don't want to see you hurting more because of issues you face that don't reflect in anyway on what kind of person you are or what your worth is. You are an amazing person, someone so many here care about, appreciate, and care for. You are worth care, support, compassion. I know somewhere in your heart you know that things you are blaming yourself for or beating yourself up about, are really not your fault.

As I said, this may not take the anxiety or pain away, but I do hope it helps.

You deserve some TLC right now, some special time for yourself. We are here if you need us. Remember that we care and you aren't alone.

Please be safe and keep us updated on how you are when you can...

*more hugs*

[Merc]

thanks both of you...it means lot that you took the time to reply and that you care
I wrote another ead...should have just added here insteaof post-whoring, sorry
im...
im not so great
the other post ois a og that says just how i feel
it is a danrous song for me
i know when i start listening to ithings are not good....

im ying...
meant to go out tonight to play ol (YAY been WAY too long) witbby as daughter has an open mike/gitar hjam session for 3 hours.
so am trying to look forward to that.Got dressed nice (for a bar lol)and am trying to focus on fun and not think hoat i look in my fav jeans.....

anyways , thanks again
romp

[Misunderstood.]

Just wanted to send you lots of *hugs*
Sorry that I don't know really what to say but I really hope you will be able to be safe.

holldholldholld

hugs1

Catherine x-x-x-x

[Margo]

*sigh*

Oh Romp i wish i could help you to stop doing these terrible things to yourself.

I still feel and i still know that the will to survive is still stronger than the will to destroy. you may not see or feel it somedays but its definately there.

There are many problems that all feed and serve one another. It seems you either get help with some or all or nothing at all. There doesnt seem to have been any constant in your life in respect to getting at least one thing better over the past few years.

I know that when you can get one thing under control the rest will follow. I feel that you need somehow to focus and strive towards that one thing. Be it the drink, the drugs, the eating or the SH. Just one and not all. All is just too much. But one done well can be a catalyst to a string of successes that will persist longer than you could imagine.

No one deserves what you do to yourself.

Please be safe

All my love

Matthew xxx

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Sorry hun. Is there any way you can try and remember how it felt the other week when you were feeling positive? I hate to hear of you hurting yourself so much. *hugs*

[skyran]

*holds tight*

matthew's so right, your will to live is stronger than your will to destroy. one of the things my therapist said in my first session was that self harm is a way of keeping yourself alive. it's a way of dealing with trauma or upset, the things you can't tell anyone, or don't know how to say or write down.

i know that it hurts to read what's written down, both the letter you wrote to your psych and what your doc wrote. that moment when you start to realise or accept more about the unwanted parts of your own reality is so incredibly tough, and really knocks you for six. i understand that feeling completely, as i'm sure many people here do. i haven't figured out how to get past that yet, so can't offer much advice, but know i'm here for you if you need or want. don't ever feel alone

BUT you have written something down, which mustve taken so much bravery. well done for that :) ,really, that's such a positive move to make. i hope that you can manage to give it to your psych next time and that you can get to talking about it, even though it'll be tough *sends love and gentle hugs*

i'm sorry your hurting so much
i hope you can stay safe. don't give yourself too hard a time if you do sh.....but please take care.

apologies for not having anything more helpful to say! you're in my thoughts......you know where i am if you need to chat or anything.

all my love,
sky xx

[Casper_Fading]

i love you so much. please don't hurt yourself honey. please :(