Stuck *poss triggering suicide/abuse/si*

OkieDokie · 06-11-2008, 11:29 AM

I'm sorry I don't go on here very much, because I find it a little triggering, but I don't know where else to turn to. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to get myself out of this low, but every decision I make seems to make things worse, not better. I feel like I'm trying to climb out of a hole, but the walls are slippery and hands keep grabbing at me, pulling me back down. I don't have any friends or anyone that I can talk to. I still live at home with my family, including my abuser. I want to leave home, but I don't know how to go about it. I have no money and I'm not a very independent person. I feel like I'm stuck, frozen in time, while all the other people my age are out partying and enjoying their lives, getting married, having all these great life experiences. I get so frustrated at myself, and my depression and anxiety that get in the way of me being able to hold down a job, or even leaving the house. I've tried counselling with a few different people, but I don't know, it just hasn't worked for me so far. Maybe I haven't found the right counsellor. Maybe I just suck. The last counsellor kept referring to "people who've had it worse than me" and it just made me feel guilty, as if my issues weren't that bad - and this was just in the first session (but I did write a list of all the things that I wanted to talk about, including sexual abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempts etc etc). I don't think she meant it in a malicious way, but it still made me feel bad. I'm not a very dramatic person, I'm not really one to wail and sob and carry on - but my pain is still very real and very overwhelming sometimes.

I just feel so messed up. I feel like I'm not a kid anymore, I'm an adult and I should try to get myself together. But it's so lonely...I don't even have anyone to go out for a coffee with if I'm having a good day - let alone sit and listen to me when I'm down. I feel like the world's moving too fast and I'm getting left behind.

Help...please?

Slip · 06-11-2008, 04:15 PM

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to let me know I'd read your post & totally understand xx

fragile as glass · 06-11-2008, 08:52 PM

It must be tough living with your family as an adult and very lonely having no friends. Are you still being abused at home? Could you go to a refuge?

You say you have no money. If you are in the UK (cant speak for anywhere else) you can apply for benefits. Otherwise, getting a job would mean tackling your anxiety/depression. Having a job would get you out the house and meeting people and you would earn your own money which is a good incentive to try counselling again. Once youve saved some money up you can move to your own place. In the UK you can get yourself put on the council list for a flat.

Have you not yet found the right counsellor or were you not ready to change when you saw them. If it wasnt the right counsellor perhaps you could do a bit of research into your next potential counsellor to find out if s/he works in the same way as your old counsellors (pm me anytime about that - ive trained as a counsellor!!). If you were not ready perhaps if you reread your post that would give you the energy to tackle your problems once again.

Things can get better and things do change. Nothing stays the same forever. Hold on and try to motivate yourself into being proactive. Write a list of what you want to change in your life, where you want to be, what you want to be doing. Once its down on paper you may be able to think a little clearer and see what you can do and see what you need to do in order to take steps to change things

*hugs* xx

OkieDokie · 09-11-2008, 01:30 AM

Thanks for replying. I'm not being abused anymore, but I still get leered at. The problem with all the recent jobs I've had is that they had actually kind of made my depression worse, and in some instances I was in unsafe situations, and so I didn't have a choice but to leave. I was on benefits but I had a big issue with that too, where they were saying I was being overpaid and had to pay a really big sum of money back, all of which was rubbish. I ended up having to go to court and everything just to prove I was right, which in the end it turned out that I was. Funny how they're quick to take money off you if they think you're in the wrong, but soo slow to apologize when the mistake is on their side. So I quick benefits because it just became a nightmare.

I did do that whole list thing, and thinking for the future, I'll have to dig it up or write a new one. I just get overwhelmed at the huuuge gap between where I am now and where I want to be, and the lack of people in my life (I try to strike up conversations with people from time to time, but it always seems to fall through, I must give off bad vibes or something, lol) ... I guess I'll just have to keep jobsearching and seeking out support.

fragile as glass · 09-11-2008, 04:01 PM

I agree the benefit system leaves alot to be desired and they are quick to take money and slow to give so the experiences you had are not personal to you.

It sounds a good idea to make a new list. Perhaps instead of writing what you want and wondering how you can get over the gap as you put it, you could write things down like a ladder. You start with a goal you want to reach and then you start to write down ways to help you reach your goal but you do it in steps. Small steps at first and slowly you will climb up to your goal. It doesent work for everyone but it does for some, so...

And yes do seek out support and perhaps work out what jobs would be a no no for you and what jobs may be more suited for you.

*hugs* x