I have been doing rather well recently (last couple of months I suppose). My best friend Charlotte has been supporting me, so I've been able to stay self-harm free for two months and have been much happier as a result.
However, no matter how much I try to stay positive right now, I feel like complete and utter s**t. The last two days have been horrible for me. I got thinking about my life and how bad it's been, and how I wish I had never made those mistakes.
My ED was under control, but now it's getting worse again. I'm not eating much anymore, probably because of stress. I never did eat that much, but at least I was looking after myself. I just want to give up on everything I'm trying to do, and just be unemployed again. God, it was so easy. I know it's not good to be unemployed, but there was no stress or anything for me to cope with.
I still live with my parents even though I'm 19 years old, and I really want to move out but I'm really scared. I don't know how to live on my own - I have no control over my spending. I'm already in debt - not much, but I still owe money to the bank and that's not good right?
I was supposed to go to my singing class tonight, but I didn't go. I've spent today, literally, just sitting in my room crying. I don't even know why.
The anxiety is destroying my life. I find it hard to even go out of the door, let alone get in my car and go to work. I haven't gone into work for a week, because I have a panic attack when I'm there or end up in tears pretty much all the time. It's so pathetic. I have no social life anymore. If Charlotte invites me out to the cinema, I'll say I can't go because I'm busy - but I'm too scared. What if I bump into the people who were nasty to me all those years ago?
Yeah, I know. YEARS AGO. I can't let go of what happened to me, what they did to me..
Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to let it out.
x
