Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - what to do

[bogwoppit]

Here go's

My self and my cousin who have always been very close (he's like my brother) were sexually abused by my uncle from a young age (I was 5). When I got into my late teens everything came out, until this time I had believed it was only me I never imagined that my cousin was also being abused. All those years I thought my cousin was safe, that these strange things only happened to me. Until this time I had the ideal close loving and supportive family (not for long). My mum and dad stuck by me and I love them dearly and so did my cousins parents. My nana and grandad who were also my whole world turned there backs on us as did the rest of the family. For several years I struggled by using drugs to try and destroy the past and myself, I found a partner who I stayed with for 13yrs until recently who I did not love but felt was safe (he asked nothing of me and expected less). My life carried on without the other half of myself - my family. These last few years have changed quite dramatically as my cousin after years of suffering went to the police because he could not move on without justice. During this time things with my family had took a turn for the better due to sad circunstance my grandads death. Strangley we all became friends and nothing was mentioned about the abuse it was not to be talked about. As long as i kept quite and didnt go to the police or mention abuse I was part of the family which I had missed so much. Because I refused to give evidence to support my cousin the case was dismissed through lack of evidence and my cousin can not forgive me for this, I think he would like me dead. Last year I'd just had enough and broke down, I left my partner because I could no longer be with someone who I didn't love, I could no longer live that part of my life. The funniest part of this is my family can't understand why I have depressed, what could of caused it!
Me now - I'm depressed and have panic attacks, I have no social life as I don't go out it scares me, I starve myself, have self harmed in the past and think of killing myself, constantly worry over silly things and hate myself in general. After years of holding everything in I've just shut down and burnt out.

[Tig]

Gosh, what you've written about is truly horrific, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's completely understandable why you feel depressed, although of course I wish you didn't have to suffer further.
I really don't know what to say, I can't imagine how torn you must be feeling. Whichever course you take you seem to face consequences and that's so unfair.
I don't know if this will help but have you considered speaking to a counsellor? You could go through your GP and be referred to a counsellor, if you tell your GP how you are feeling (not neccesarily what's happened to cause it) then I'm sure he/she would refer you. A counsellor would be bound by confidentiality as you are (I'm guessing) over 18 so your counsellor isn't going to be forcing you to go to the police or anything that you don't want. It would just be somebody who you can open up to instead of having to hold everything in.
Some counselling may also help you to learn how to live now and how to cope with what you faced in the past but in less destructive ways, say not self harming/starving yourself. It's understandable why you have turned to these but of course, you don't deserve it and you deserve to be given the tools to live your life, healthy & happy & as anxiety free as possible.
You are really courageous to have shared what happened to you with us.
Take Care,
Lotti x

[Sometimes Crazy]

I understand how painful it can be to lock up these feelings and experiences for so long, to then feel as if you're physically 'breaking' when it becomes too much to hold in.

I hear you, I know how desperate you must be feeling.

Have you ever considered writing or even drawing these thoughts and feelings? Sometimes the easiest way to open up is with a picture, or even one word and building up from there. Make sure you are in control with whoever you may open up to, and that you don't feel pressured into talking.

Carrying all this around must have been an almost unbearable weight on your shoulders and after having so much of your trust and boundaries destroyed, it will take time to learn to handle it in a non-destructive way.

If ever you need someone to be there for you or to listen in your own time, I'm only a PM away. Look after yourself, love.

[lottzors]

What you and your cousin went through is indescribable. It sounds like its ripping you apart. I can't imagine what your going through.

Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel? if you don't feel you can talk to your family, how about a friend, or even speaking out on RYL (like you have done) could be a step in the right direction.

Please don't take your life away. Please.

if you ever want to talk, you can PM me anytime. Take care