Triggering (SI/ED) - ....

[Merc]

not sure my new psych will be happy..but i had to se the old quack to get CPP disability forms filled out and i left there so terribly depressed...because of my dx's and he wrote that my prognosis is 'v poor', that i 'will never be stable enough to hold a job with any reliability'....and the bd part? I got a refil foe of the benzo's...I simply ANT keep on cold anymore;so i will go on a schedue to gradually reduce them.First time in a month that im not shaky and dissociated. I ve been feeling that all of me has been living in just my head, and this body isnt mine at all.....totally disconnected and not in control of it; even simple things like walking are difficult as i feel i have no control over my body any longer. I have incredible urges to cut just to feel something again and prove the body is mine....at times it doesnt even feel lilke mine and im convinced it is someone elses....

I mean all that he wrote is good for a 'getting accepted/getting benefits' standpoint...but oh how it hurt to have it said aloud and written down ...

But i know now, my earlier desire to return was unrealistic. Due to the ED induced osteoarthritis, plus the MI stuff I just cant do my job. Hell, I had the forms since the begginning of oct. and only today managed to force myself to the docs office with them....i just couldnt leave the house and the man was telling me over and over i didnt deserve it anyways and woldnt be successfull so why bother; i was actually just lazy, not ill at all. For the first rreal time i blew up at that voice and asked it why, if not ill, would i shoot myself twice; answer: 'you didnt do it in the head'
Then asked why would i have gone out to cut off my hand with the axe? Instead tripping due to ED dizziness and falling and compound breaking my shoulder due again to such fragile bones from the drastic weight loss...answer: I should have just laid there and bled out and not called 911 and once i got home i should have finished the job and never gained any weight back.
(sadly i have gone on a diet tonite; just youghut for soem days and water for the others till i lose a bit of excess weight, then gym to keep it off and too, to help my shoulder which is a disaster.)
I dont know why i just wrote all that....
sorry to take more space, not really fair....
[OH and im scared to tell my psych about the benzo refil...but that i think he will understand....and at least i plan on telling him ]

romp

[Merc]

and the loser i am...weak.. just gave in to the urges and harmed. But for those brief few moments all else dropped away...
but there goes 8 months. i'd had 8 months with one slip...but i cnat believe in 2 occurences being only 'slips' and am now back to zero....
no sense whining is there? i did it to myself....
loser
worthless
weak
waste of space
bitch

now i have to hide them somehow....
oh no...
****ING IDIOT!!!!!
romp

[Pomegranate]

Romp...you are NOT An idiot sweetheart. I appreciate how hard it is to hear those things from someone and it is bound to make you feel worse for a bit. You could always look at doing a different job in the future but for now just concentrate on you and getting you feeling better.

As for that man....*kicks him* the voice is wrong, it's an idiot. You ARE ILL, you are NOT lazy. You are being proactive it's just that sometimes M/I takes away our motivation and things take a bit longer than they would other people.

It can remain just a slip Romp too. You have done amazingly well doing 8 months and you KNOW that these can just be slips. If anyone also was in your position you would want them to realise slips are a natural part or recovery and nothing more. Do you really want to go back to SI controlling your life? No, you can fight it.

It's really good you are planning to tell your psych about the Benzo's. He should understand and if it makes you feel better then that's the most important thing.

*leaves you lots of squishes*

Emma xxx

p.s Please be sensible with this 'diet', I have seen pictures of you and you have NO excess weight to lose hun. You can beat these urges, you know deep down that this is not a sensible thing to do and that it's probably your ED talking.

[Slip]

massive hugs babe...
I wish I knew what to say - all I have is you're not an idiot & I think you are fab!
xxx

[phoenixflames_forever]

Hi Romp,

I've read quite a few of your posts lately and am really sorry your having such a hard time, i really wish i could say something constructive to help you but am not very good. The point of my post really was to make sure that you knew that i cared even if i dont speak very often and i can sympathise with a lot of your feelings especially your reply to this thread i often use all of those words to call myself too. But if it matters i in no way think you are any of those things, and to go 8 months is a great achievement even if you have slipped upped, you have proved to yourself that you are strong and you can do this. You should never have come of your meds cold and that was likely to contriute a lot to your feelings, so please dont be harsh on yourself. If ever just want to talk send me a PM.


Take care xxxxxxxxxxx

[Yellow]

*gentle squishes*
so sorry rompers.
not sure how to help.
im appalled that a doc would take you off benzos cold turkey. im really glad that youve gotten some again. ive gone cold turkey before and it is HELL.
im sorry that youre at such a low.
im here to listen.
im sorry i have nothing else to offer.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Casper_Fading]

i'm sorry. i love you. you're ace. *hgus*