self harm and boyfriend

sorry i'd only just posted about another issue in SI bored but i'm not one of those peoples that do one post after another so i 'd thought i'd come here.

Basically i'm in the middle of a convosation with the lad i like... I suddenly get laura the confidence thing just doesn't bother me but self harm does...

later he carried on to say i don't want to be in the position of taking you to the local A&E due to it.

I said it wont happen but my arms are so red raw from pinching biting and scratching hard it hurts me to say he doesn't like me doing it...

He's now going onto say i need to belive he wont attack me... How the hell you do that... When you've had it before and your very nervous around men... I love his kids greatly and he's lovely god why wont my head sort itself out!!!!

He's the most gental man ever and i dunno why my heads messing around with me... I so wanted to kiss him last night...

i feel safe with him but theres so much stuff i'm nervous about its unreal...

I love the way he cuddles up to me...


I hate my bloody head at times and body...

no worries then i know i aint welcome in here so...

[Misunderstood.]

TBH I didn't know what to say Laura. There's no need to be so defensive.
There are better ways of dealing with the fact your thread wasn't answered.
Like realistically.
Not like a kid trying to guilt trip people. It isn't necessary.

[SecretMe]

Hello. You know it isn't that you aren't welcome here. You did get hugs. That means people wanted to show their support for you. Sometimes people don't know what to say.

I know we all have times when we feel vulnerable or extra-sensitive because of where we are in our life or mood at the time, and if we get no response to a thread we can feel lower and over react. However, I still think it was unfair of you to assume that the caring people in here were unwelcoming or ignoring you. I am sorry if in your pain you felt that by not getting a response, no one cared or welcomed you. That simply isn't true.

I would have responded sooner but I didn't see this thread until now.

It must be really hard to have all these things running through your head and heart that have to do with past hurts, and to really want to get past them with this guy, but not be able to.

Please try to be patient with yourself. When you have been hurt a lot before it's only natural that you will have these thoughts and feelings. You might know in you mind that this guy is gentle and wouldn't hurt you, but those things from the past will still creep in for a while until you have reached a level of safety in your relationship and been together a while.

Be gentle and patient with yourself, even though I know that might be hard to do. You deserve that though, and if this guy truly cares for you he will be patient, too.

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time.
*hugs*

I hope things get easier for you soon.
Please take care of yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself.

[Misunderstood.]

I'm sorry I replied the way I did, if you took it the wrong way [i wrote it the wrong way!].
I know it's hard to open up like you did and I still don't know how to reply apart from to say, I think your boyfriends comment about not taking you to A&E was a tad insensitive [but then aren't we all at times].
Perhaps you should explain that it is or was a part of you and how you cope with things.
I've tried to explain to men, things such as low self esteem etc and they are often very black and white about things and want to fix things which can't be fixed [not all men I know].
You need to develop trust in him before you can be assured in yourself that he won't hurt you. It takes time for that to happen.
I understand that it hurts you that he doesn't like the Self Harm but if you give both of you time for you to explain the reasons behind it and him to understand it should be ok.
He's not worth your time if he can't accept you for who you are entirely.
You don't change a thing for him, and if he can't accept you as a whole then yeah..walk away is what I would say.
Don't do anything that will damage your self respect and never listen to people who are obviously in a ratty mood when they replied... [the first time ;)].
You were very brave to write all that there hon,

(sends many hugs to you)

...and goes to reply to your text

i'm sorry ok just kinda in bad position i'm going for a bit got work to do and yeah before i even think about the lad of SJA tonight sigh...

[Misunderstood.]

SJA?......

st johns amublance

[Misunderstood.]

ok.........

[Margo]

Hello Laura,

Firstly a little something about Vets and response/reply rates:

Vets is a slow moving board. Its quite secular and therefore there is less traffic and therefore things tend to move on a little slower. As was mentioned there were hugs and so people were reading. Comments made insinuating you arent welcome or wanted or being ignored etc wont ever endear you to a board. It makes people feel uncomfortable and also puts pressure on those who may be in a really bad place themselves who cant reply to feel pressured into saying something. Also sometimes its hard for a board to relate when they dont know too much about you and dont have any background on you or the situation at hand. Regular posters tend to get more replies simply because their situation is a little better known and therefore its easier to give the right advice or relate.

------------------------


Anyhow, I know what its like to be a man and gentle and in desperate need to make your parter see that you arent like the badmen or those that harmed you in the past. Its infuriating at times and also its upsetting and can make you feel a little rejected. God knows ive felt all of them and more. It took me a long time to earn the trust of the other person. I realised i couldnt magically make her "feel" safe, but that i had to build that trust over time by little assurances here and there an a promise to try and understand a little more too. Perhaps this is something you could say to your man and tell him its something thats going to take time.

The other thing that helped to overcome the fear/trust thing was to talk about events of the past and talk thru them. Also we did alot of "no" work too. Like a kind of empowering excercise. We would instigate a situation and the person would then say no and i would stop whatever it was iwas doing.. It gave this person the sense that they could say no and it mean no and this helped alot too.



It sounds like he cares and it also sounds like he wants to do the right thing but doesnt quite "get it". So basically the only thing ican say ispresent him with all the info you can,talk and talk and then talk some more. Draw a picture or wear a silly hat to illustrate points if you have to (us men can be rather dense at times), but keep trying to communicate. Openess and honesty and a will on both sides to try to explain more and to understand more can and will get you through.

Good luck

Matthew