Triggering (SI/ED) - I don't think I'm very well

zowie · 04-11-2008, 10:42 AM

Sorry I haven't been around much, have been coping really well by staying away from anything that could trigger. But now I really need help, everything's gone wrong and I've never felt so alone.

ED
I don't know if I'm allowed to say my BMI here, you're not allowed in the ED forum so I'll assume I can't. Let's just say I'm overweight, and I'm the most overweight I've ever been. I went through my clothes the other day, and had to put loads (all my favourites) into storage because I can't even squeeze into them. I don't know why I don't just throw them away, I just like them so much, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get down from this weight. If anything, I'm going to get bigger. I've been eating so much recently. I used to only eat one meal a day and I was so skinny, now I eat anything from two to three meals a day and I'm disgusting. I can't control myself, it's horrible.

VOICES *Triggering violence and SI*
The voices are so bad at the moment. Beth keeps screaming at me, telling me to get a knife, go out into the street and 'tear people open'. I'm starting to cave in, I want her to leave me alone and I want other people to suffer. I'm such an evil person.
The Man agrees that I'm evil and is therefore poisoning every drink I make for myself. I keep chucking them away and making new ones but he just poisons them too. Again, I'm starting to cave and thinking if I drink the poison no one will get hurt by me. And if the poison doesn't work I can think of a way of killing myself.

Need to cut. Maybe they'll be quiet and just watch me bleed for a while.

Kahlia1981 · 04-11-2008, 09:03 PM

Zowie, I have no real words to offer here hun but I know where you are coming from. I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and offer you some hugs if you are able to take them.

*x safe hugs x*

Casper_Fading · 05-11-2008, 01:06 AM

get your ass back to hospital and tell them what is happening so they can keep you safe until you can get control back. *cuddles you tightly* you're not evil!!! you're lovely. please get help.

zowie · 06-11-2008, 07:10 PM

I feel so unsafe right now. I'm at that point where I think I need to go to A&E to stop myself doing what the voices say. But I don't want to be admitted, I'm meant to be meeting my baby cousins on Saturday.
The voices are telling me to hurt my sister (16), I mean really hurt her. I'm so scared, I kept telling them there was no way I'd do that and then my sister was an idiot and treated me like ****. Now I'm in a bad mood with her and it's harder to ignore the voices when they keep reminding me about all the horrible things she's done to me. I keep trying to think of all the nice things she's done for me so I stop caring about the bad things the voices say.
They're being so graphic about what I should do. They say if I don't do it, they'll possess me and make me do it. I'm so scared, I can't tell my dad because he'll panic. What do I do?? x

Pomegranate · 06-11-2008, 07:17 PM

Go to A+E sweetheart. I know you don't want to be admitted but you are a good person, I think you would rather spend a few days in hospital stabilising than hurt your sister. *hugs you* The baby will still be there when you are out.

fragile as glass · 06-11-2008, 08:40 PM

I really feel for you. But I agree with the above. If you feel that you will act out your voices you need to go to hospital. Better you go by choice and have some control than being forced there and having little control

zowie · 06-11-2008, 08:51 PM

I can't. I have to meet my cousins.
I've taken my meds so hopefully I'll sleep soon (if the voices let me). I keep a knife by my bed so the spies can't get me, so I'm not scared for myself.
I can't OD because dad's in charge of my meds and I can't cut deep because I no longer have the right tool. Tried other ways before and they didn't work so unless I wander outside nothing's going to happen to me. And as long as I'm asleep I can't hurt anyone. I wont leave my room so I don't have to be near my sister, I hope she'll be safe, I don't want to hurt her but before I came upstairs she was really winding me up which made it harder. I don't want to hurt her. I don't think I want to hurt her.
Oh ****/.