Firstly, sorry I don't do much supporting around here. To be honest I don't have that much time at the moment, some of which is because of the reasons below.
As some of you may know, I'm having a hard time right now, both physically and mentally. It's coming up to four months without me cutting myself so in that aspect everything seems great, it looks like I'm recovering etc etc. But I feel like **** right now to the point where I ended up pretty much crying in a tutorial today when talking to a lecturer and then went and cried in the toilets for a while before going and seeing someone else.
I have serious problems with my back along with other health issues, my epilepsy meaning I have no driving license at present. I had to take last yr out of uni because of my health.
I am currently a Veterinary Student. The job is all I've ever wanted. I love the life. I want to do that more than anything else and having last year out of the course nearly killed me emotionally. I was so happy to be back but things have taken a turn for the worse. At the moment I am having a lot of problems with my neck and back and seriously struggled to walk to my flatmates car today; about 1 minutes normal speed walk from the lecture theatre. Probably not even that far. I ended up in A&E because of the pain on Saturday and was very close to phoning for an ambulance on Friday night because of the intensity of the pain was leaving me barely conscious. I'm I'm on really strong pain killers and anti-inflammatories, epilepsy drugs and at the moment a low dose of Diazepam and I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow about a couple of things but the main focus may turn to my back/neck and hopefully get some meds which may help.
I'm seriously struggling. My course is about to get more physical and I'm getting worse. It's like I can almost see my mobility deteriorating in front of me and have very little support/ help and have no diagnosis. No one knows what's up or whether it's going to keep worsening and that is really scary as I REALLY don't want to give up on the course as I know even with my problems I am capable of being a really good (small animal) vet. I know the theory, I don't panic in situations, I have the right attitude, I have a natural desire to help them and am able to do all the skills I have so far been taught. I don't know what I'll do if I have to give up. I may even lose my mobility. That is the main thing that keeps me going.
I just want to be like everyone else. I'm 21 and want to be like every other 21 yr old. I want a boyfriend and some kind of physical relationship but there is no way I can have that at the moment, my neck was so bad earlier I could hardly drink.
Sorry for the rant, I kind of just wanted to get it out of my system as I feel pretty **** right now and very tired. I just don't want this ****ing pain. I want sleep and I want to give the tablets a rest but the pains too bad right now. I'm scared; I feel like a pathetic little moany kid.
I don't really know what to say except I'm sorry it's all so hard and you have EVERY right to rant..anyone would need to with all that going on.
Also, there's no doubt in my mind that you'll make an amazing vet..it's what I always wanted to do and as soon as I realised you actually are a student vet I was kind of..I guess jealous...but anyway you know all your stuff so well, it comes through in your first aid posts and I think you need to give yourself MUCH more credit for all that you do and how well you are managing despite all this physical and mental pain.
I've actually today just been withdrawn from my course ( which I love and has been keeping me going..like you) So I know how scary it is to even be thinking that it might come to that...BUT my Uni are saying they're happy to have me back when I'm well and they've actually been really supportive. So even if it did come to you needing to take another break or something...I'd say just try and remember that won't automatically mean the end of your veterinary career or of everything you've worked so hard for and love so much..
Although..I can't imagine how terrifying it must be to think you could lose your mobility... maybe try not to worry about that unless it actually happens...easy for me to say I know..sorry.
Basically,I have no words, except I hear you and I wanted you to know that I care and I wish you could appreciate how great you are.. more than you seem to.
Go easy on yourself...and I'm hoping so much you have a break soon..
Ruth
'Won’t you run, fly, open up your lungs tonight, breathe freedom for the first time in your life..'
With all the pain you are in, with the worries and not knowing what is going to happen, being afraid you might lose your dream- who wouldn't be terribly frustrated, upset, and even feeling despair?
My god, you are going through hell right now, please give yourself a break and don't call yourself pathetic. You are NOT.
I think you are being very brave, you are fighting through this, still going to the doctor, searching for answers, not wanting to give up, you want to do something good with your life... You should be proud.
I can't imagine the awful pain and how discouraged and tired you now feel. I do know that you are stronger than you think.
No matter what happens you don't have to give up your dreams. You aren't alone and we are here for you. We care about what you are going through.
I hope venting and letting it all out (even if it did add some tired feelings) also gave you some relief by sharing it so that you aren't alone with it.
Please take care and keep us posted on what happens with the doctor.
Sorry I've not got back before now... I'm ok I suppose. I saw a new GP this morning who seemed really good and has put me on a higher dose of meds which is helping at the moment so the pain isn't quite so bad. He's lso sorting out a letter for me to get extra funding from the council to help me get through the course (not something i totally agree with in the first place but uni wanted me to get it and im now coming round to the idea that i really do need it. I've also being referred to a specialist back surgeon as they may have an idea what is going up as he actually looked at my whole back though I don't want to say what yet as I'm wanting to keep it quiet til I've had tests and stuf and til I know for certain whether it is that or not as I've had many 'It could be x' before and it's not been.
But yeah, things are quite hard, my walking is still terrible and I wasn't happy about having to walk upstairs to see my GP this morning... At the moment I'm still at college. In theory I should take a couple of days out because of my problems but I'm not too sure as of yet, I might take Fri off and go home for the weekend but that means the parents getting all fussy... but I REALLY want to see my dog!
So yeah... I'm still alive, I'm going to try and do some work after I've had my dinner.
Thanks for your replies anyway, they mean a lot right now.
Is it possible to see an osteo to possibly help with your neck and back pain? I know that they did a lot for my dad and his had him bed ridden for days...
*cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
The problems that I've got seem pretty complex... I'm being referred to a specialist back specialist for ASAP. I've seen an osteopath in the past but he made me feel so uncomfortable; ie I had to strip down to my underwear (not good when you feel rubbish about your body!) and the stuff he said seemed to stem down to one muscle in my leg, something which has been operated on when noticed by someone else and has made no difference, if any it may have increased it's progression. I've thought about other kinds of alternative therapies but seen as my movement is so terrible right now and I know any slight aggravation can (and has) ended me up in hospital I can do anything which may pull on it right now.
At the moment becuase of what's happened recently for no known reason I'n reluctant to start anything new unless suggested by a decent doctor (ie not the ones that have told me it is psychological... If it was it wouldn't cause my symptoms and it wouldn't follow the patern mine has) because people are very scared at the moment to do anything to worsen it & that also obviously concerns me.
So things like that may be what I look into in the future, but right now I've got to try and see if I do get a good diagnosis as I've had physio worsening it before (I mean to the point where I had a suspected slipped disc a year ago...) and so I'm scared of anything like that right now.
Yeah, I'm taking a few days off uni, I did pretty much nothing yesterday (well fell asleep doing some work... shows the enthusiasm I had for it...) but am going to start doing a bit more now.
Yeah, it's quite painful. It was annoying when I was out with my dad yesterday continuously having to tell him to slow down coz I can't exactly walk fast right now! But I'll get through it. I just want to know what's going on. It's been like what 7 and a half years now since it first began (obviously it was pretty mild then) which is a long time to not know what's happening and to be told time after time that they don't know what's happening. SLightly stressful when my whole career does depend on it.
I have experiences of back problems - I broke mine when I was 19 and for a while the doctors didnt know if I would walk again.
My advice to you would be to try and stop imagining the worst that could happen to your back (I know its hard I really do) until a doctor/ surgeon makes a diagnosis and tells you your future prospects with regard to your back.
Sometimes the more we think about our pain where ever it is on our body the more pain we feel. Could you try to take your mind off your back a bit more and think of other things as concentrating on it so much can make things worse.
I know what I said sounds simplistic but it can work - I spent 4 years in a wheelchair and had to learn to walk again and although I can walk now I am stuck with permament neuropathic back pain along with weak muscles (even with physio) and a misaligned pelvis.
Things can get better and are not necessarily going to get worse and stay worse permamently.
Take care of yourself sweet and I hope things improve for you soon xx
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
have read what you posted and was just wondering if you gp had referred you to the pain team. their made up of different people who are there just to deal with people with chronic/long term pain. my gf has a really bad back and is on loads of tablets for that also. though through the pain team she has altered her medications and also gets different things such as accupuncture.
we had to actually demand the gp refer her to the pain team but once that was done it meant a person who specialised in pain management was helping her.
just thought it might be something you could ask you gp about
sorry if its not any help
Hey Kim,
First off, Congrats on the 4 months cut free, great job!!
I don't really have the words to say right now. But I wanted to let you know I care. I too am 21 and can't imagine being faced with everything you are. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this and I can certainly understand the anxiety/stress it's causing in regards to your coursework and future career. I have a veterinary technician's course and I know that in itself involved a good deal of movement and lifting. (Not to mention the ever present scalpels we're required to use and the dilemmas they pose). So I can imagine how much more your vet course would require it. I really do hope you get things sorted out and get the proper treatment soon. Don't give up. I know you can do it. I'm here if you need anything. or just to talk keep me updated on how you're doing. All the best, ~Jewel~
I try to love the sinner but it's more than the sin will allow. I've looked a long time into the dark,
hoping the truth would show me how
~Bad Cliché
Yeah I'm trying my best right now. I have been refered to a pain management clinic to see an anaesthetist specialising in pain management but it is hard as there are so many things I can't do now. I have tried everything with regards to focussing on other things; my work means I have no choice in that and I do just get on with having as normal a life as possible becasue of it & people who don't live with me are actually surprised by the number of problems I have. It is particularly worse at the moment as it has flared up for some unknown cause which is leaving me TOTALLY exhausted as well as it waking me up numerous times in the night.
But I'll get through, I've got through with 7 years of it worsening. I mean it can't worsen much more now, can it? It's just devastating when I come home and see my friends that haven't see me in months and I don't hide as much from them as others and they realise just how much I have deteriorated. And also I keep remembering my physio saying 18 or so months ago that if they didn't improve the movement in my back in the next few months then there's no going back which isn't good as it isn't just the pain that's the problem.
It's also when some people such as my mum don't appreciate what pain I'm actully in and how much it is affecting me and she keeps saying things that make it seem like I'm moaning about nothing when I hardly even mention anything at home. I just wish I could walk my dogs and be able to walk to college but I'm struggling to even walk across my room at the moment sometime never mind take the dogs out.
I just want to know what is going wrong and if anything can be done because if it keeps going down this line and flairing up for no reason I might not be able to even make the year through uni; I'm already having to take time out again and am constantly dosed up on loads of tablets just to help me to get around the house.
Sorry for being really moany, it's just getting me down at the moment and I don't know how much more of it worsening I can take but until I get a diagnosis that seems to be the patern it will take & even then no-one knows
