ive just come back from an outing with my sister. it was unexpected but i thought i should leave the house for a while.
it hit me like a rocket. i looked around, noticed the hustle and bustle of traffic...the noises...the smells..everything. it was all foreign to me.
i have secluded myself for so long that ive forgotten what the outside world looks and feels like. i panicked. we came back and she dropped me off at my door. it was all too much to take in.
i feel like a stranger everywhere i go. its like my mind is frozen in time. and that time was 5 years ago. time stopped for me when my son left. i chose not to continue with the time of the world. i isolated myself in my own protected space as if to pretend nothing had changed.
but things have changed. my son has grown 5 years older. ive grown 5 years older. the whole ****ing world has grown!!!
and now i feel trapped in this alternate world that ive created for myself. i know i must escape it and come back to the world's reality and not my own. but im afraid. really afraid.
ive said this a thousand times but tomorrow is keith's birthday. most importantly its his double digits!! 10!!! double digitd have always been big in our family. and you only get one when you turn 10. i am going to miss his.
im afraid i have accepted my little existence and the comfort it provides. i dont know of any benefits i will get from going back out into the world. i believe this world is a cruel place. just my opinion.
i dont know what im rambling on about. just that im a stranger in a strange land. yeah...i know.
i feel like ive lost the fight in me.
some days i feel like i can take on the world and others, i feel like i cant take on a flea.
the mood swings are exhausting.
i fear ive become complacent.
what is the rest of my life going to be like???
i have no idea and it terrifies me.
my little boy is 10 years old tomorrow!!!!! TEN!!!
i just cant believe it.
time.
time passes even when we freeze doesnt it?
this cant be a mid-life crisis unless im going to die at 60, i guess.
but something about my baby turning 10 is getting to me.
its hard to describe.
i guess its made me see that time is always moving even when i dont want it to. and that im missing out on my life because of my stupid ****ing fears!!!
damnit!!!
thats what it is!!!
im terrified that i will live THIS existence until my dying days and that is unacceptable to me.
therefore, i have to do something about it. which is even more terrifying!!!
omg!!! what have i uncovered????
i have to think on this.
i feel like a ton of bricks just landed on me....
be strong. That 'ton of bricks' may be your inspiration or call, if you like. Take strength from the fact that you HAVE a beautiful baby. Keith should be proud to have a mum who cares so much about him. I know it seems petrifying but you HAVE the strength to change things. It wont be easy but you have RYL to support you if nobody else.
Sorry I cant be more helpful, thinking of you *hugs* x
On his birthday you should be focussing on the fact that Keith's alive and well and happy! I think you need a lot more contact with him. Do you phone/email/text him every day? Have you sent him a card and gift? Do you send him stuff regularly, maybe stuff you've made or family photos, collages, cuttings from magazines? If you do all of this you can still be very close and he will know you, who you are and how you feel. I know you may think he's too young to be bothered but I have a niece, Elletia, who is 10 and she surprises me all the time with how grown up she is.
I can completely relate to your experience with leaving the house. I went through a period where I didn't leave the house for months and when I tried to go to town or the supermarket it was awful. Eventually I decided to slowly reintroduce myself to the world. I went for short walks with my walkman on to unpopulated areas, such as the local graveyard and park. Then I went for longer walks and took a book or journal and sat down for a while. It helped me.
You haven't lost your fight, I can tell by how you talk. Try to maintain a better relationship with Keith and start slowly getting out in the world. Then maybe you can do something for yourself, start building a life, achieving things. But for now, don't give up!!
*hugs* Love ya big sis'
(if you are more in touch with Keith than I thought then ignore that part, it just sounds like you don't have much contact)
a piece of me is gone.
blown away.
its gone.
i want to sob and sob until my body shakes uncontrollably.
i can feel the tears but they wont come...just the never ending lump in my throat and tightness in my chest.
i talked to keith today and he seemed very happy. he was quite frustrated with his new game, lol.
i feel so disconnected.
mom visited today.
i went on a desperate shopping spree. decorated the house nicely.
just trying to fill the space...i guess.
i hate to admit that i miss my mom being here.
when she left...i felt myself tremble.
i feel like such a child.
my brother is here but i feel so so so alone.
god...i just want to get past this...i really do.
please...bring new days.
Awww Rach...it'll be ok. You got to hear his voice and I think that's more then you've gotten to hear in a while. It is a bit daunting to think about all of the time that you've missed but at the same time there is no much more out there for you. I think that's one thing that having a child teaches people. I don't have kids but I have nieces and when they were born everything changed when they were around. Everything was fresh and new and exciting to them. You can take on the world ....you might just need it in small steps. It'll be ok...things will get better.
rachie, as other have said you need regular contact, even if it means getting a court order stating how often because at least then you'll know where you stand.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Hunni I don't know what to say but I wanted you to know that I care.
Take care of yourself.
*hugs*
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEITH!!!!!
.gif "sohappy")
Happy Birthday Keith
