Ok, I finally have gathered my courage and am posting a little of what is going on with me in the hope of some support I desperately need and just to get some things out and talk to people who understand.
I labeled this the best I could but I will add this could trigger those dealing with loss, depression, SI, abuse, and perhaps more.
I will try not to make this too long,- a lot has happened in my life this year- but I will leave a lot of it out.
One of my close friends attempted suicide a few months ago and almost succeeded, my uncle (who I was close to) died a month after that.
My abusive stepfather who has stalked me and abused me and worse has been around and triggering me and that has also put a strain on my relationship with mom (as if it wasn't strained enough.)
My real father who has been in and out of prison my whole life (but who I lived with for almost a year and he sexually assaulted me during that time) is now out of prison again and has been trying to contact me and wants to see me even though I have made it clear I don't want to see him.
I have had many triggers do deal with and many emotions because of certain events like the ones above that caused me to be suicidal for a while. (For instance my mother, little brother, and grandfather all attempted suicide at one time or another in my life and my best friend did commit suicide when I was in high school. Another example is that hearing from my real father has caused flashbacks and nightmares about what happened to me when I lived with him and the awful things he did)
My chronic pain condition has worsened and I am now getting shots in my back on a regular basis, my agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) as well as my social phobia has worsened to the point that some days I have panic attacks even trying to check the mail. This is so frustrating and leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and useless.
Changes in my medication have also caused me to gain weight which is a whole other problem and one I will leave alone for the time being.
There have been many other stressors in my life that I could talk about...that led up to a terrible SI incident where I ended up in the hospital earlier this year.
Recently, I have been trying very hard not to SI and have not- for about four months now.
The urges have come back strong this past week however. So has my insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, and many other symptoms of PTSD.
I feel really alone. I don't have support from my family. My best friend is working full time and going to school full time as well so she doesn't have much time. Even when she does, she doesn't really understand. She does try.
Therapy is going ok, but I feel in a place where I am stuck and not making progress.
I am so tired. I wish I could sleep. I wish I ddin't want to SI so badly.
The closer it gets to the holidays the harder it is for me too because of perpetrators in my family, the panic and anxiety I have, and turmoil I feel about not being a part of family celebrations.
i don't know what else to say right now. As usual about this time, I am so tired I can't think straight and yet I can't sleep.
Thanks for reading all of this if you did. I hope I made sense. Sometimes being so tired I can't be sure.
Thank you for any and all support/thoughts/hugs, too.
) It's a difficult time for me.
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
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