|
Triggering (Suicide) - I Hate Myself
I'm sorry if this triggers anyone, or sounds like whining, its just that I need to let this out, and I don't know where to go.
I really hate myself. It wasn't always this way. I once I had promise, I once was pretty. I used to be successful.
I went through a bad period senior year in High School, where I was cutting almost everyday. When my asshole ex lied to me and broke up, I went to my guidance counselor and told her what was going on. Plans were in the process of being made, but my parents didn't want to believe what she was telling them. Then I had an episode when I called a friend and told her I was going to kill myself. She called my parents and plans were made to get me to counseling. I went to the doctors shortly after and she told my parents I needed to go the hospital. My mother at first refused to take me to the hospital saying she didn't have enough money and that if I wanted to go I would have to pay myself. This was of course bull **** and she just didn't want to take me because she believed I was just being over dramatic and that it was something in my head that I was doing for attention and she "doesn't believe in that stuff". She finally did take me to the hospital and they demanded I stay (suicidal, self-harm risk) and I did stay a week. After that I was on medicine and saw a therapist.
Fast forward to college. Living away, I was unable to see a therapist and could no longer afford/had ready access to my medication. I became depressed again and took what remaining meds I had with some alcohol to attempt suicide, twice. I'm not sure it counts as real attempts though, as I didn't take enough to kill myself and I think somewhere in the back of my head I knew that.
After that I began to get well on my own and became happy. I did excellent in my studies, won some academic awards and made my family proud. I had a lot of promise.
Suddenly, I started gaining weight for no explicable reason. I have always had good eating habits and I went to the gym all the time. I have always taken pride in my appearance, and how I started to be treated differently really made me realize how ugly I had become. I started to avoid a lot of very sociable places where a lot of people might see me, but I still had friends and remained happy.
I graduated from school with honors and expected to find a good job, which never happened. I cannot find work. I came close to landing a good job but somehow I ****ed up and did not get the position. I graduated in May and still am jobless. I am as ugly as ever, and a burden for my family and my boyfriend. I want to cut so badly, but I am afraid that the obvious scars will keep me from finding a job, so I can't. I cannot afford to go see a doctor or get medication. Recently I have been afraid that I might be pregnant, although I do not know how since I have been on the Pill for years. I cannot tell my family because they will not be supportive and probably try to force me to have an abortion. Again, I really do not know if I am preggers, for all I know I could be sick and having the worry go to my head and make me think unrealistcly. I plan on taking a test, but find it hard to do so since I live with my family, have no money, and no ways of personal transportation.
Everyday for the past month (maybe more) I think about killing myself, many times more than once. I hate myself more than anyone else and cannot stop obbsessing with what I wanted my life to be or should have been. I don't think its worth it for anyone if I live. Part of me wonders if I havn't killed myself already because of the possiblity of being preggers but even if I was I would probably have to anyway. I really don't see how I could be though, and wondering if that is just a subconscious distraction so I don't off myself.
Point being, I don't see what possible reason I have for living, or thinking I deserve myself life. I am completely worthless and am nothing. I am a failure who can't stand to look at herself in the mirror. Each day I wake up not wanting to crawl out of bed and wondering why I am still here. Fear of the unknown, most likely.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the novel, I just needed to get this out. I don't really deserve help from anyone though. I don't know why I'm still here.
|
