Ok, I'm just going to get it all out and see what happens.
This is going to be long, so sorry in advance. Nobody has to read it though so I guess it's not too bad a crime.
I'm 36, I'm female, and I'm still angry and hurt about my childhood. I should be over it by now and I am puzzled and disturbed as to why I'm not. Will I ever be over it?
I still cry in self pity... especially when I see beautiful mother/daughter relationships on TV, in movies. I feel SORRY FOR MYSELF.
I have a "great" relationship with my parents now. This means I hide my hurt and anger and treat them with respect and kindness because I love them and don't want to hurt them.
But I am so angry with them.
My parents are Christians. They now run a church. They do "bible in school" as volunteers without pay for little kids.
They became Christians when I was six. I'm an only child.
Ever since I can remember (as far back as three) my mother has beaten me. Punched in the stomach, winded, strangled, thrown against walls, beaten with a wooden stick, hit with a whip made from a tree branch.
Dad made the whip but he never used it. He thought he made it for those extreme cases of disobedience where a hiding may be necessary. He never realised my mother used it on me when he wasn't around.
As a child I was responsible for cleaning half the house while my mother cleaned the other half. She would run her finger along the corners and trims of dressing tables and if she found dust I would be whipped.
She screwed up tiny pieces of tissue and dropped them in random corners and under furniture and if I missed them with the vacuum cleaner I'd be punished.
I developed an eating disorder from a very young age. I was greedy. I ate my lunch on the way to school. I ate other kids' lunches while at school.
My mother found out. I was not fat. My father told her to give me more sandwiches for school and more breakfast. They fought about it. I felt ashamed of myself.
My mother and her Christian friend tried to cast demons out of me because I was so bad. Nothing happened.
My parents often cast demons out of people when they had their "Wednesday night meeting" at our house. I would lay in bed and listen to the screams and sounds of vomiting and deep "evil voices" coming from our living room. I would be petrified. I thought the demons would come for me. I knew, from biblical teaching, that demons cast out of a person would seek another "vessel" to live in... and because I was such a bad child the demons must surely find me.
But when my mother and even a preacher, tried to cast demons out of me I didn't vomit or scream or make weird noises with my voice.
I had to read my bible every day. We went to church every Sunday morning and sometimes Sunday night. We had Wednesday night bible study and Friday night prayer meetings.
On Wednesdays I was required to share something from the bible along with the other adults. I found it a struggle to find something profound, new and meaningful every week. On Fridays I was required to pray aloud like everyone else. Again, I found it hard to come up with some creative prayer every week. I was also required to participate in "praying in tongues" even though I had no idea how to... I was not inspired to speak in tongues.
Everyone in the church thought I was a child genius. A truly gifted and blessed child and such a strong Christian. I was a big fat fake!
My parents began to have trouble in church. They accused the preacher of being a liar and of not being of God. They would ask me to listen very carefully to the sermon to see if anything he said was against biblical teachings. On the way home in the car I would be questioned and I would find any tiny fault I could with the sermon and dish it up for my parents.
The stress was enormous.
Eventually the preacher "ex-communicated" us. The congregation was not allowed to talk to us. We continued to attend anyway. We would stand during the singing and not participate. We would sit during the sermon. Then we would leave. It was horrible.
Meanwhile the beatings continued.
As an only child who acted like an adult I was incredibly isolated. I couldn't attend Sunday school with the other children. I had to attend church with the adults. I had no friends. I couldn't attend school trips as my parents were terrified the bus would crash, the boat would sink, I'd be abducted or some other catastrophe.
High school was a nightmare. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying freedom. Going to innocent boy/girl parties. Going to the mall. Going to each others houses. I was unable to attend any of those things. Even at sixteen I was not allowed to go anywhere by myself. I was unable to maintain any friendships.
I left school at sixteen and got a job and a car. I was still under strict conditions. I was still being "disciplined" by mother behind my father's back.
When I turned eighteen I begged permission to leave home and go flatting. My father refused to allow it. I said I was eighteen and he couldn't really stop me. He said he'd take an axe to any place I chose to live in.
One day when my parents were out I dared to put on some rock music. Just the local radio station. Rock music was strictly forbidden. My parents came back unexpectedly and caught me.
That was it, they'd had enough. They kicked me out.
I went to live with my aunt. She was the manager of a liquor store. I very quickly descended into the world of drugs and alcohol.
I decided I wanted to leave my aunt's house but my aunt said I should get permission from my father first. I phoned my father and he denied me permission so I slammed the phone down.
My father turned up on my aunt's doorstep and proceeded to try to beat me.
I handed in my notice at work, packed my car with all my belongings and drove away... not knowing or caring where I would go.
I found a beach with some elderly people camping in camper vans and buses. They set me up with a place to live and a job.
Three months later my parents tracked me down. They just wanted to know I was safe. They wanted me to phone them every week.
I was messed up. I was confused. I didn't like having to phone them every week. I packed up my car again and returned "home" and set fire to the church we had attended.
I almost went to prison. But it was my first conviction so I was let off with probation and a large reparation fine.
I continued drug and alcohol abuse, I flatted with losers and prostitutes. I committed burglaries. I stole from liquor stores for the fun of it.
I attempted suicide.
I grew up.
I "got over it". I worked hard. I continued to drink. I got married. I got divorced.
I "turned gay". I live my "gay" life in secret. My parents would never approve. I could never let them know. I continue to drink.
I talk to my parents as friendly as can be. They think everything is fine with us.
They don't know I still cry. Still have nightmares. They don't know I'm angry. I could never hurt them by letting them know.
I don't know how to truly "get over it".
It's eighteen years since I left home. But I still blame them for my isolated lifestyle. My introverted and solitary ways. The religious torture I feel inside. The fact I'm such a "sinner" and am "hell-bound".
I still blame them for the fact my partner wakes me nearly every night because I am having a nightmare and I'm trying to scream in my sleep.
I still feel so hurt that my mother didn't love me, even though she says now that she did. She beat me so frequently and so horribly. She was always so angry with me. The religious overload, the pressure, the demonic "activity" in our house. The fear. It stole my childhood away.
What do I do to stop feeling so bad about it all... to truly GET OVER IT?
First off, welcome to RYL and HUGE HUGE hugs. You have quite literally been thru hell, and it seems you are still in it. Im glad you are here; you need support and love and you will find it here.
My childhood was no where near as horrible and traumatic as yours but it was similar and I still mostly do what you do; talk to them nice and hide the rest away. Finally, a few months ago i couldnt do it anymore and i blew at them and let most of it out. It had pretty much backfired as they just think it my 'illness' and that is all....but it DID help ME.
Honestly? You desperately need to find a good therapist, counsellor, psychiatrist, etc to speak to. It's WAY past time for you to get out from under this and you deserve to be free of it , to have a happy life, finally.
You AREN'T and WEREN'T a 'bad' or 'evil' child. Your parents were WRONG!!
The only way to stop all this is to get help now, you deserve it, you really do. THEY were cruel and horrible to an innocent child. Time to help that child and care for her and ease her pain.
Please keep posting; I think you are very brave. You CAN get past this and everyone here will help and listen.
Please PM (private message) anytime ok??
Again, HUGE hugs and welcome! You're not alone anymore.
I am a bit arrogant... I think I am too intelligent for the therapists, lol. I feel like there's nothing they can tell me that I don't already know.
I live in a small town and there aren't many therapists here. The one I do know is my customer (I have my own business repairing computers).
That's one side of things... but on the other hand, I feel like I do want to see a professional, as long as it's a good one...
I've tried lucid dreaming to control the nightmares and that has helped a lot... but I still get them terribly frequently and I'm not always successful in "dream control".
I agree with everything that romp said and agree that you do need help and that a professional (the right kind, with the personality, and intelligence/skills that fit best for you) would really help.
You also have all of us here who will offer as much care and support to you as we possibly can.
You mentioned that you have been working on skills to cope yourself, and that's great. It's always a good thing to develop new healthy coping skills and learn new skills. I hope those things are helping...
However, to get over all of these things and truly heal, it really may take finding a professional. I too, felt like you did about therapists, and for a long time I ddin't go to see one. Then, it took me a while to find the right one. Once I found a great theraplist- it was worth it.
You have been through so much. You have a right to be angry, to feel that your childhood was stolen, to feel all the different feelings you are dealing with. I can't even imagine the nightmares and the turmoil you face because of all you have been through.
I am going to send you a private message to tell you some more things and add some additional support about some of the issues you mentioned that I can relate to, but are just more a private matter.
I am here for you anytime. Email me or private message me if you want to talk. I can relate to what you have shared even though are stored are not the identical. I will be here for you if you need me.
Take care of yourself and please try not to let those old negative messages rule your life. You are not a horrible person, or anything close. I know it's hard to fight what you heard and what was beaten into you for years, but it is not true and they had no right to treat you that way.
You deserved love, protection, safety, support....
And vent all you want! Don't worry about it. You get everything out that you need to. That is a part of what we are here for.
Yes I have some coping strategies... one thing I missed in my post is that I did get prescribed antidepressants after suffering anxiety attacks over Unitec exams... And I have been on and off them over the years... currently on them... so they help.
I also have the lucid dreaming techniques as mentioned above.
Plus I have hobbies and interests I use to keep myself busy... gardening, motorcycling, chess, reading etc.
I'm actually doing very well to all intents and purposes... Running my own computer repair business, own a home, lots of pets.
Just the nightly drinking, nightmares and sudden bouts of sobbing now and then left to deal with, lol.
I must add to the above that I agree about trying therapy. Im a trained counellor and there are several different types so if at first you dont find one you like try another. There is a type of therapist for everyone. I know its hard (i really do) and if you want any further info or advice give me a pm. My pm box is always open.
I really hope that you find peace within yourself and that you can move on with your life (i know its really hard to do but it can be done)
I can also relate to having christian parents who tell you that you will go to hell if you dox,y and z and the fear and guilt it brings if you do do x,y,or z
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Right.... that makes advice giving a bit difficult.
In the UK we have the NHS (national health service) where we have free medical and mental health treatment. We can visit our GP and ask to be put on a waiting list to see a NHS counsellor which he/she would do and the counselling would be free. The choice of therapist and how they work would be limited but it would be free.
For more choice we can pay for private therapy where we have complete choice who we see. Some therapists in the UK have a 'sliding scale' with their fees, ie, the lower you income the less you pay.
If you are in the mental health system social services sometimes pays for you to see a private therapist but they prefer to give you a NHS therapist - the main problem with them is the bloody long waiting list whereas private therapy is instant.
Ok, sorry for rambling on but my reason is to ask you if any of the above applies to you country (please excuse my complete ignorance)
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Aha!! New Zeland has a NHS dont it?? I remember my dad saying he would move over there to live tommorow if my mother would go! My interest would be to know if yours runs like ours in the UK
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
Don't worry about it. You get everything out that you need to. That is a part of what we are here for.
