Ok I'm going to be put on Clozapine.

Steel Maiden · 31-10-2008, 01:58 PM

I'm sorry for all those people that I upset by saying "no I don't want to change". I feel like such a hypocrite right now.

I had an appointment with my psych today and she said I have to change to clozapine. My Mum wasn't too happy and I wasn't either, but she said there are no other options.

So I've got 10 days to come off the olanzapine, i.e. decrease by 5mg every 2 days. My illness may get worse while this is happening.

Then I have to go to hospital for about 2 weeks to start on the clozapine, because they have to monitor my physical health while I get started on it, and the medication regime is raise the dose every day until I get to a reasonable dose.

I am scared. I am scared that while I am on a low dose of my olanzapine/off my olanzapine/on a low dose of clozapine, I will relapse and do something stupid that could get me into trouble. I am scared that the clozapine will knock me out and all I'll ever do is sleep.

roiben · 31-10-2008, 02:03 PM

I know you wont like the idea, but could you go back to hospital while reducing the olanzapine? This way, you can be monitored and know you are in a safer enviroment, with less risk of getting into trouble??

*hugs*

Hope it works out. Changing meds can often be frightening and disconcerting, we are here for you though, backing you up.

Steel Maiden · 31-10-2008, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roiben

I know you wont like the idea, but could you go back to hospital while reducing the olanzapine? This way, you can be monitored and know you are in a safer enviroment, with less risk of getting into trouble??

*hugs*

Hope it works out. Changing meds can often be frightening and disconcerting, we are here for you though, backing you up.

Thanks for this. My psych didn't think I should go to hospital while I come off my olanzapine, but she said that if I ever feel an incident coming up, I should call her immediately and say its urgent, and she'll either send me to hospital or give me a prescription for some PRN.
Thanks for the hugs.
I have hope. It is definitely frightening and disconcerting, but I want to get through this.
Thanks.

sherlock holmes · 31-10-2008, 02:25 PM

You WILL get through this, at least you know you can ring if you feel an incident coming on, and you will be in hospital for the start of the clozapine. I hope it helps you!

*Fading_existence* · 31-10-2008, 04:38 PM

Good luck hun, I really hope it works out for you.

I dont know what to say other than that we are all here and will help you in any ways we can.

*hugs* xxxxxxx

ThinkingofRecovery · 31-10-2008, 08:31 PM

You are not a hypocrite and it doesn't matter what people think! What matters is that you get better. I really hope that the new medication works, just remember that this could be a really positive step and help give you space so that you can look into the other methods that you want to try to help control your illness. You know that it will sedate you at first and so you are going to have to try and prepare yourself for that as best you can.

Re coming off the olanzapine, I'm sure your family and friends will be happy to keep an eye out and will be able to see if things are starting to deteriorate and if they are you make sure you call your psych as she said.

I'm really glad that you are trying something different as I can see that things have been incredibly difficult for you this last few months or so.

*hugs*

Steel Maiden · 31-10-2008, 08:46 PM

Thanks for the posts, they do help.
Tomorrow I will have to decrease my olanzapine from 25mg to 20mg, and then decrease it by 5mg every 2 days until I get to nothing.

Does anyone have any ideas about what I can do about my insomnia? Because I have insomnia that the olanzapine has been helping with, but when I come off it, my insomnia will come back.

I am actually looking forward to trying cloazapine because the Voices are driving me insane, and the paranoid thoughts/hallucinations prevented me from doing what I wanted to do today.

I crashed out on my bed today from 14:30 to 17:30. I'm just so exhausted. I haven't done any reading whatsoever today because the Voices won't shut up and give me a chance to read.

Thanks for being so supportive and thanks for the hugs.

Heidi Tiger · 31-10-2008, 08:49 PM

Is there no chance your doctor could give you something to help you sleep whilst you go through the meds transition? There's all the usual things about insomnia, hot drink, warm bath, dark room, wind down before bed time, but I personally don't find those help me, but they work for some people.

Good luck I hope it goes well for you.

dubagirl · 31-10-2008, 09:07 PM

I think that sounds pretty positive on the whole, even though you're not too pleased about the meds change.
It's good that they'll monitor you in hospital as you start out on the clozapine, it'll probably help keep you safe.
Do you think you'd be able to phone someone if you felt like you were unsafe while you're coming off the olanzapine? Maybe you should discuss that with your psych and how you'd be able to access some extra support should you need it because I know that, for me anyway, phoning someone when I need support gets so difficult as my mind just tells me not to.
I'm glad plans are coming into place for you.
All the best :)
xxxx

sherlock holmes · 31-10-2008, 09:27 PM

As Heidi Tiger said, you should try having a hot milky drink before bed, read a book before you try to go to sleep, maybe have a bath in the evening with something lavendar scented.

Also getting some form of exercise is supposed to help people sleep better.

Steel Maiden · 31-10-2008, 09:44 PM

Thanks for all the suggestions.

I'll do all of the things you suggest; hot milk, bath, lavender, wind down, exercise, read in bed, dark room.

Its just that the Voices are so loud and persistent today. I think I will ask my psych for some clonazepam (she offered me some to help me come off the olanzapine without too many problems), but my Mum doesn't want me to take it, so I'm not sure what I can do about that.

You are all so amazing, thank you.

My head feels like its going to explode! The Mindreaders are accessing the Information in my head. I just want some privacy, time alone! But the Mindreaders are watching what is going through my head through my eyes.

Steel Maiden · 06-11-2008, 12:30 AM

Only four whole days before I go to hospital...can't wait....

pixiedust · 06-11-2008, 12:34 AM

*hugs* You're doing really well Olympia, I know this is hard but you're doing so well to keep fighting the voices. I know hospital isn't nice but hopefully this new medication will really help you. xx

sherlock holmes · 06-11-2008, 12:50 PM

Keep going, you are doing so well =]

Steel Maiden · 06-11-2008, 02:17 PM

Thanks Pixedust and Control Freak...

I went out yesterday with a friend because she insisted that I go out with her and she dragged me to Raynes Park station to catch a train to Waterloo...The outing helped me and the Voices calmed down a bit, but today they're back in full swing...

Tonight is the first day when I take only 5mg of olanzapine and Saturday is the first day when I take 0mg of olanzapine as part of the detox before I start the clozapine...

I actually want to be in hospital quite badly now as I feel extremely unsafe...I just want to be somewhere where I don't have to talk to anyone and I can just lie in bed and listen to music all day...I don't get much chance to stare into space and listen to music when my Mum's around....

sherlock holmes · 06-11-2008, 02:41 PM

Do you think they would allow you to go into hospital early as you are now on very low levels of olanzapine, and feeling unsafe? They could monitor you better as you come off the olanzapine completely.

Steel Maiden · 06-11-2008, 04:17 PM

I'm afraid my doctor won't put me in hospital unless my parents suggest it to her (she's not getting my point when I tell her how bad things are). My parents don't want me to go to hospital so its not going to happen.

Only three and a half days to go...

I am going to self harm tonight when my parents are asleep because the Voices need to be punished by feeling my pain.

pixiedust · 06-11-2008, 04:32 PM

Rather than just explaining to your doctor about how bad things are, can you ask her directly whether you could go in hospital?

Please don't self harm tonight. Yes the voices should be punished but you shouldn't and by self-harming you will punish yourself too. Can you maybe punish the voices by not listening to them? Doing the opposite of what they want you to do in order to spite them? Or maybe write a letter to them saying how much you hate them?

Take care sweetheart xx

06-11-2008, 06:14 PM

Hun I'm sorry things are so bad. I do believe in you and hope the clozapine will help. I hope you don't cut, because the voices are not physical (I am not arguing that they are not real, just that they are not a physical presence, by my understanding) but you are, so it will be you who is hurt, not the voices. Could you hurt the voices by writing them a letter telling them what you think of them or something like that?

Steel Maiden · 06-11-2008, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixiedust

Rather than just explaining to your doctor about how bad things are, can you ask her directly whether you could go in hospital?

Please don't self harm tonight. Yes the voices should be punished but you shouldn't and by self-harming you will punish yourself too. Can you maybe punish the voices by not listening to them? Doing the opposite of what they want you to do in order to spite them? Or maybe write a letter to them saying how much you hate them?

Take care sweetheart xx

I would ask my doctor if I could go into hospital if it weren't for my Mum. My Mum has an emotional padlock on me and I can't make her upset by leaving her at home and going to hospital. She needs me like an emotional vampire...I am tied down to her and cannot leave her at home alone. She's already upset that I'm going to hospital on Monday and is bitter at my psych for the decision. This sucks.

I will write a letter to the Voices tonight on my laptop...its a good idea...but because my Mum is suppressing me I feel like I need to let it all out with self-harm. I don't know how I'll self-harm because if my Mum sees parallel scars on my arms or legs, she'll kill me. I know of other self-harm methods though...

My Mum is suppressing the madness and anger inside me and I'm worried that if I don't let it out, when I go to hospital I'll go insane and end up restrained, injected and sent off to a secure unit (which has happened three times in the past).

Thanks Pixiedust,
xxx