Triggering (Suicide) - I don't want to go back to college.

Daydream · 30-10-2008, 05:23 PM

I was just sat surrounded by homework and I felt completely hopeless. Its making me feel unwell. I'm crying because I don't want to go to college anymore, but I dont want to have another year of no friends either. But the work is so much and so hard its making me feel like I want to hurt myself and/or die. The only part I like about the course I'm on is the maths, but its an Access to Maths AND Science. I've already got a GCSE in maths but I'm too thick for A Level and its too late to change course anyways.

The thought of going back to college to a shitload of work is making me want to commit suicide. I know its a stupid thing to be suicidal over but I am. I just want to be back in my school doing GCSEs again, it was so much simpler. I miss my home tutor. My mum said I don't have to stay in college if I don't want to, but she said it in such a tone as that she would be really disappointted in me if I did drop out. Dying is so much simpler than all of this. This isn't a goodbye, this is me asking for help.

Chrissyann · 30-10-2008, 05:32 PM

Could you speak to a college tutor about this? They might be able to put something in place to help you learn... or give you extra support with things that you don't understand or struggle with. There's no need to give up hunni. There are loads of things that you can try first.

If worst comes to the worst, you could leave college this year, and get a job to do with the career you want. Do you know what you'd like to do in the long run? You're only young, so it's not imperitive that you stick college this year... sometimes things aren't right for you.

But don't give up straight away. Please try and speak to someone at college first to see what your options are.

Take care hun
*hugs*
Chrissy
xxx

SecretMe · 01-11-2008, 06:09 AM

First I just want to tell you that I feel for you and hurt just reading through all that you are going through. You mentioned that some mingt think you were dumb for feeling truly upset and even suicidal over this issue- I don't think that your feelings are stupid or that it is dumb to feel the way you do because of school and being overwhelmed.

In my own way, even though I don't know exactly what you are feeling, I can relate. I believe that with all the other things you have said, you are feeling overwhelmed- at the same time maybe like you are failing at something - that must add to your painful mood.

You have every right to feel this way, I think it is understandable, but I don't think you are a failure, that you are dumb, and I am sorry that you are feeling bad about yourself on top of everything else.

As for finding some relief emotionally and being able to stay in school? (because that seem to be what you want if I understand you right?) I am wondering if there is a school counselor/advisor you can talk to.

Many colleges and universities now have (and are required to have) programs in place to help students who are having problems like you are describing. Those who have these programs and even many who don't are willing to work with you to make things more manageable.

I had to enter into one of these programs at the college where I attended for two years. I couldn't seem to keep from getting overwhelmed (and having a long list of problems that would have had me quit immediately had it not been for the help I got). They helped me a lot.

Maybe you could find out what type of help your college might offer to you? I don't know you that well or your situation ... but I do know that no matter how hard it can sometimes be to ask for help...the worst thing that can happen when you do ask for help is that you are no better off than when you started. Yet, there is always hope that if you ask you will get hope...

I would almost guarantee that your school has programs and other things in place that will help and lessen the mental/emotional burden or that at the least they will be willing to work something out with you.

I really hope what I have told you helps. Hang in there ok? If you want to ask me any questions about this or if you want to talk to me about anything, please don't hesitate to send me a private message.

Daydream · 01-11-2008, 08:19 PM

Thanks both of you.

The college has a counsellor, who I've emailed a few times, but I'm too scared to go to see her. It was kind of like when I was sent to see the school nurse when I was in school, except I'm not forced to go to see the counsellor.

I've decided I am going to go back to college, after a few (rather shocking) words with my mum. I'm also going to ask for help with the stuff I don't know about (mostly physics, it might take a while!).

A lot of things are going on in my life right now, like my psychologist who I've seen for two and a half years is leaving next month, and I'm going to have to see the clinics CPN instead (who has only seen me when I've been really ill). And I know it might not seem like a lot to people, but its my second Christmas free from any type of self harm or psych units and stuff like that soon. Also I've stopped seeing a trainee psychologist who I'd seen for six months and started to trust because she had finished her placement.

By the way SecretMe, I've been mesmerised by your butterfly for ages now!