Triggering (SI/Abuse) - I find it kind of funny...

[rustedchains]

and I find it kind of sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best ones that I've had.

I'm in the end lounge in my hall. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to let my guard down. I don't want to cry. I don't want to let people know that I'm really not coping well. I don't want people to know that I'm at the end of my rope.

I'm falling. My own father didn't love me, he abused me, he tortured me. He made my life a living hell. He didn't protect me. And yet, at the same time I want to protect him. I don't want to go into details of what he did to me. I don't want to let people know everything that happened. Why do I want to protect the one that couldn't protect me? How sick and twisted is that? Why don't I want people to know what a jerk he is? Why do I want to give the people who already hate him more ammunition against him?

I want to cut. I want to take the sharpness and press it against my skin, and watch the cut form. I don't want to have clean arms at the moment. I want a reason to need to hide them. I want to feel like I'm a bad person again. I want to feel like I don't deserve anything good again, I want to wreck my life.

Why? Why am I like this? Why do I feel so horrible? Why am I so depressed? Just getting up in the morning, eating, sleeping, homeworking, showering... it's taking all my energy.

I don't want to be like this.

[Stellata]

You've taken in emotions, twisted emotions, from your father. Deep down, beneath that, you know you are worth more than being used and abused, but the imprint remains in your body-mind, and feels like a tainting second skin. It's hard.
When you're consumed by the shadows, there's not much energy left over to spare.

What could you do to help protect yourself now?

[rustedchains]

Once again, it's 1:30 in the morning. And once again, I'm not asleep. Suffice it to say once again I'm dreading going to bed.

[Freya]

It's O.K to cry when nobodies looking :)