|
Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Helping lives, but not my own
I don't know how any of this is suppose to lead to "the light at the end of the tunnel" I really don't. I can't stick at this anymore. I'm always behind people, always offering them advice and help that I never knew I even possessed in my head. I know things that most would ignore and it weirds me out.
I've just found out the mate I helped so much has backstabbed me. He gave me a laptop for a fiver a week. We both went to the same college (I've been kicked out cos I have Narcolepsy) so I paid him every week we were there. All of a sudden, he finds it fun to blackmail me with it, everytime he wanted a bit of my drink, or a few of my chips, or some money, or some one he wanted beaten up, he would just say "Laptop!" and give me a demanding look. Now most other people would have said "No" but because he knows this laptop is my only connection to my boyfriend and the only entertainment I have at home (unless counting the cracks on the walls for 24 hours is entertainment) I say yes and carry on.
Two or three days ago, I was scanning through the laptop for viruses and found a hidden folder. Thinking it was something I'd done and then forgot about it after a sleep attack, I located it and opened it. It was a conversation between my Best mate and one of his friends. My best mate was telling the other person that he was so glad of my help. The other dude asked why I knew so much and my mate said, "Maybe it was a good thing his best mate killed himself in front of him, I mean, it inspired him to help us all, it's useful lol"
I was fucking furious. My step-dad had to come in and restrain me because I had such a bad anger relapse I put half of my room to pieces before he came in. That was the worst thing I've ever heard him say. Jason was everything to me, and I to him. We were inseparable, he was the best mate I could ever have and I've never stopped mourning him, even though he's probably happier now.
I haven't had a go or hurt my best mate because after Jason slit his wrists in front of me, I took it upon myself to back up everyone and anyone who trusts me and needs help. But today, about an hour ago, he asked for the laptop back because I can't pay him anymore cos i'm not in college anymore. I told him can't he wait a little while so I can get a bit of money together because if I give the laptop back I wnt be able to talk to my boyfriend (he lives near London) and I'll be bored as hell. He said "Well, I still need it, otherwise I'll start taking things off you, think of it as interest"
BOOM! Anger reached a bad pitch. I've got music playing trying to stop myself. I know where my razor is because I hid it from everyone else so they wouldn't find it. I am so fucking angry and so fucking depressed. I want to hurt him, I want to join Jason. I don't know what else to do anymore. All I did was watch my best friend kill himself on webcam. Jason came on MSN one day, went on webcam and said "Goodbye" I put "WTF :)" And he slit his wrists. A letter was found in his room saying that he wanted me to be the first to know because I was the first real friend he had, and vice versa. So because of that, I help anyone who needs help who trusts me, and because of my stupidity and my obsession to keep people from doing what Jason did, I ignored the fact my mate was using me.
I've had enough. My family hates me for getting kicked out of college for a reason that isn't my fault. Either I'm being paranoid or I just KNOW that the rest of my mates are backstabbing me as well and I dnt know what to do about it. I'm so confused, so depressed and SO ANGRY! I just want Jason back, he would've known what to do. I'm falling apart and I can't stop it anymore. Outside I am the picture of happiness, where-as inside, the bridges of my being are collapsing where they stand and I can feel it. Next stop, nervous breakdown. No-one wants me around anymore, no one would miss me, I can see the place where I hid my razor. My arms hurt cos I'm tensing so much cos I dnt want to go and get it.
But who cares right? I'm just everyone's emotional punch bag, and councillor. I've had enough of this. They will never know the extent of what I've seen, done and heard, so fuck all of it, I give up...
|
