I have one week, one day until the date.
Today I told my psychologist what I was going to do
Lets just say it's....very final, and very unpleasant
He wants me to see him the day before the plans
When we will make a 'good decision' about what to do for the best
Which basically means, I have until tuesday to get out of this mindset, or it's hospital.
I can't end up in hospital.
I get much worse in hospital.
It would hurt my family so much.
It would make them hate me.
I've already wasted about 5 months of my life in hospital
And another 6 months in a day hospital.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want them to stop me doing it.
If I go to hospital, I will be saved from myself
And I don't know if I want that.
But It could also make me worse
And I don't know if i want that either
It's all so confusing.
What to do?
Help.
Please.
I'm desperate.
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories.
i am so sorry you feel like this, we all care for you, and do not want anything to happen to you. they will only put you into hospital at the last resort. but they only want the best for you. i know you are worried that your parents would hate you but they would miss you if something happened to you. my pm box is always open for you. xxx
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I do think your psychologist is making a sensible decision to assess the situation the day before. I really hope you manage to resist the urge to do whatever it is you're planning and so don't go into hospital. But please be honest with your therapist, if you really can't keep yourself safe, then hospital really would be the best place for you.
What would happen after the date passed? Is it that date and that date only, or would the urge continue?
I know it would upset your family if you landed in hospital. But I'm sure that's nowhere near to the hurt and upset they would feel if you killed yourself.
Take care, and please if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to contact me.
xxx
Thankyou lovelies
It means a lot that you replied, really.
Heidi, i think i would still have the urge after the date has passed, but it would be less tempting? I have no idea if that makes any sense, but it does in my head kind of.
Like, honestly I wouldn't mind going into hospital for a couple of days to keep myself safe, but i'm worried they'd keep me there longer & i'd end up having to spend christmas there & stuff. Last time I was told I was going to be in hospital from 1 day - 2 weeks, I was there for over 2 months. So I'm kind of wary. Plus, i've heard some really bad stories of the ward I would be going to. I'm used to the nice adolescent ward at the Priory, not an NHS adult ward. I'm eighteen but i'm a very young/immature eighteen, I don't think i'm ready to see what I would end up seeing on an adult ward.
I don't know...
Rambling, sorry.
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories.
No that does make sense, I've had dates set before, and after they had passed the urge slowly dissipated, it was like that date was the ultimate crunch time.
I honestly think that they would keep you on an adult ward for the shortest time possible. I'm 20 and I know they have done their utmost to keep me out of hospital because they think the disturbed behaviour in their would frighten me. For that reason I think you'd be much more likely to be released once the crisis had passed, as opposed to spending months there.
Have no alternatives to hospital been suggested? Are you not under the care of a Crisis Team? If you were to be put under them do you think it might be enough support to stop you attempting suicide without having to go into hospital?
They haven't mentioned any alternatives.
Just, as he put it a stay in the 'loony bin'
heh he's so professional.
I don't really know what the crisis team is sorry :S or what they do
I don't know if i would be able to access them as i'm still in CAMHS
But it sounds like they could be useful?
Thankyou heidi <3
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories.
If you'd be ending up on an adult ward, I see no reason why you wouldn't be entitled to access the crisis team.
What it is basically is people who will come out and see you every day during a crisis, to provide support and keep an eye on how things are going. They also provide a 24 hour telephone support line, so if things got really bad you would be able to ring them and they might be able to arrange to come see you earlier in the day. I know in my area they are also the people who control access to the psych wards, but of course it may be different to yours.
Their job is to try and give people the support they need in the community to prevent the need for hospitalisation. It might be worth asking to see if you could be referred to them.
It's getting really hard.
I'm absolutely fascinated by the chosen method
Looking it up on google.
I can't seem to stop myself.
Every picture I see just makes me want to do it more and more.
I don't know what to do.
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories.
I know it's what you really really want now. But do you think it's what you'll always want? And what if it goes wrong? You could be left disfigured and disabled. Please let him keep you safe.
i just don't know what to do.
i feel lost. overwhelmed.
i don't want to be kept safe, i don't think
but somewhere deep down i'm sure i do, i'm scared that i'll do it and 2 seconds into it regret it and then there'll be no turning back.
i'm so confused.
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories.
I know that feeling well. Earlier this year I was being threatened with being sectioned, but I refused to go into hospital voluntarily and I didn't want to be kept safe at all. I did some really really dangerous stuff, however most of the time I did regret it soon after, I was lucky in that I could go get medical treatment. And that's the scary thing about your method, there really is no going back.
And I'm glad you're scared, because I think that means somewhere deep down, you don't want to die just yet, even though the majority of you does. And that is why being kept safe would be a good thing, even though you would be angry and hate the loss of freedom etc.
And I always reply because I understand where you're coming from. The things you post I could have posted back in february/march time. And if I can come through all that darkness, to a place where whilst things aren't great, they are certainly on the up, I think that you can too.
