Hey darling,
Firstly - three years is fantastic and you should be really proud of that. Wether or not you've hurt yourself since, you've made it nearly three years and that shows the strength you have inside yourself, and I know that strength is still inside you.
You don't need to punish yourself with these hateful feelings, you're allowed to be ill and stressed and it's unfortunate that you harmed yourself, but it's not something you should be punished or called horrible for. It's a symptom of an illness, like, punishing yourself sneezing when you've got a cold, if that makes sense.
What I'm trying to say is - instead of punishing yourself with harsh language and negative feelings - be gentle to yourself as you're already under enough stress. Try and be kind to yourself, do something simple you enjoy if you can (like, listen to your favourite music) even for a little while to ease the intensity of the feelings.
I know you said you're anger is deep down - but why do you think it's so hard to express for you? Have you been bought up not expressing anger in a healthy manner? I know when I'm angry, I feel it really physically and in times when I used to cut, I now do something that can let me express it like listen to music loudly & sing to it, go for a run/walk, something on those lines.
You said "I don't want to go back to the way I used to be" and that is fantastic - please, work with that, and hold onto it. What is it that's really hard for you at the moment in your life?
You have every right to be here, please, hold on. We're here for you.
Thinking of you
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