Triggering (Suicide) - Too afraid to live...

Becca · 27-10-2008, 11:46 PM

.... that's it really. Today I decided was my day to die. I have done everything but actually die. I planned it well. I saw my cpn and said how I was feeling (told just feelings) and now.... now.... I'm

I gave some of my tablets but have a lot left. A *lot*. I'm not at home but am alone. There is nowhere 'safe' for me to go. I've spoken to live help earlier and it's actually made things more intense. That's my fault for telling not theirs. It's like all I can see is death. Death if I live - cos I will cause it and death if I go through with it.

Is anyone there????

Becca · 28-10-2008, 12:25 AM

I'm scared. Frightened. Fed up of how things have deteriorated. The drs say they understand and then send me home to struggle even more. Always struggling. I can't stop thinking of suicide. I should be phoning the samaritans but I literally cannot talk about anything connected with this right now my throat just closes up and I squeak.

Maybe I should just delete this.

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 12:27 AM

keep going !! Thats all you can do. Just try and through the next minute.
And when you finish that one, try to get through the next 3 minutes.

Just take it in tiny baby steps.

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 12:29 AM

Keep typing Becca!! Anything at all.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 12:35 AM

Not rubbish!!!

I tried writing in cpn appointment but scribbled it out. I get 'taken over' you see and it was her who made me hand over the tablets 1131 I had then. She doesn't want me dead but wants me alive hurting people. my cpn said I am a good person but I'm not. not at all. he says that 1131 cos he must.

I hate being so scared

I ask for help but look okay so it is refused. I tried to take my life three times last week 1131 and told him 1131 and he said about if I 'just' wanted stuff to stop well of course I want it to stop. All of it. Is that what suicide is? Everything here stopping. Even if I go to hell at least everyone here will be safe from me.

Ignore any numbers. They appear when I am very upset.

Why can't I distract myself???

I dont own a computer so I could get thrown out at any time and struggle to get to one so could disappear 1131 from here and be alive - not that it's likely and end up having yet another thread pulled cos I couldn't update and someone thought it suicide letter.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I just wish I had somewhere safe to go or someone safe I could tell but there is noone. No-one at all

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 12:40 AM

I think you are a good person Becca and I say that cause I can not cause I have too. I dont believe that any one on this planet is bad, i think people can be corrupted and be so hurt that it causes them to react in a negative way.
You are a good person Becca because you are human, and nothing can change that.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 12:41 AM

Everything is worthless. Especially me. It used to be her wanting me to die but now it is me cos I am afriad of what I will do. 1131 Minute by minute I am 1131 trying but it is so exhausting. Why why am I bothering? So many dates and still alive so many attempts still alive drs say

cos I want to 1131 live _really_ and do those things cos I am lonely not want 1131 to die so ignore when ask for help. No crisis support - phone helplines only who then say phone crisis team cos don't believe not 1131 allowed it.

So many times I've been told You aren't dead so where is the problem?

When I went through an artery when SIing I was told I should have rung for help. When I saw a psych who was forced to see me the next day (having been sent home for yet again attention seeking) he told me I was an overly reliant patient who was time wasting. What happened when I rang the week before that desperate and crying? It doesn't matter Becca just do whatever you need to maybe go see gp we can't help you.

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 12:45 AM

Oh pet, I dont know what to say.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 12:49 AM

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel bad.

I rang the crisis team to 1131 save my disgusting existence and the following 1131 day they told me I killed one of their patients by doing so cos they were busy with me and couldn't contact them and save them. I 1131 killed them. They told me I didn't kill my friend or my cousin or my friends son but 1131 I killed a patient I had never met. My friend I must have killed.

That isn't a good person. This is me.

I swore I'll never ever ever contact them again. I've killed enough I won't risk killing more just for me. Then there's wanting to kill people with my blade. Wanting people to have to struggle financially like I do. Be thousands of pounds in debt just to survive. Reliant on someone who hurt them to survive.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 12:54 AM

I am trying. I am.

I find mental health so much harder to cope with than my physical disabilities are.

I don't see a future.

I don't bother them (Crisis team) so I guess that's a good thing right? Something I've managed that's good. I can't talk about it. I've tried reading aloud some of the stuff here but it just closes up.

Maybe I don't want help?

I feel bad for posting here and upsetting people but don't know where else I could go

*would welcome any suggestions*

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 12:57 AM

You cant kill people like that , its not possible, in some way they are trying to help you in their messed up way. But you didnt kill anyone, not in a bad way. if you do have something that could hurt you or someone else try and put it as far away from you as you can.

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 01:01 AM

You are not upsetting anyone , and if you were we can also go else where, so its ok. Just keep typing, if it helps do it.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 01:05 AM

I was taking up their time. I didn't die. The other patient who was trying to get through did. If I wasn't wasting their time that person would have spoken to someone.

I have both. Not next to me but close. The thing to hurt others I cannot be without in case it happens and I need to protect myself. The tablets I keep counting and then putting away. Which is wierd I guess cos it kindof calms me. Though maybe not in a good way.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 01:13 AM

1131 I don't really know 1131 what would be a good way. I'm really worried I'm 1131 about to be thrown 1131 out.

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 01:17 AM

Life doesnt work like that, you may believe that that person died because you rang but they didnt. you cant control their life , it doesnt work like that. Unfortunately in life we only have control over ourselves and even then sometimes we dont have that. KB is right , you were very brave to ring and Im glad you did.

If it helps try reading over what you have written on this forum, maybe you could ring a helpline and read that to them , like its someone else youve read on the internet and see if you can without your throat closing up on you.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 01:19 AM

I'm running out of things to say......

I wish I had 1131 some way of showing them what I go through but I 1131 don't. None at all. Just me. And obviously I do a rubbish job of explaining. 1131.

I just realised it's gone midnight. I survived the date.

I don't know how I feel about that now.

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 01:19 AM

ring the crisis line, do it anyway!!!! It may be the right thing to do!!!

Becca · 28-10-2008, 01:22 AM

I can see what you are saying but if there wasn't a chance of them not dying they wouldn't have tried to ring them so much would they?

I guess I'll have to go soon anyway. I can go find a phone box and try ringing. I don't know when I'd be back again. I wish computer access was easier for me.

Becca · 28-10-2008, 01:24 AM

I'll try.

THANK-YOU FOR TALKING TO ME!

purple_crayon · 28-10-2008, 01:30 AM

Becca it was no problem, and remember YOU ARE A WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!!!