Triggering (OD) - thoughts

[Ragdoll]

even when I seem to be having a better day i cant stop thinking of od-ing. not suicide, just escape

[ThinkingofRecovery]

God, I wish I knew the answer to this, I can't get it out of my head - whether I am waiting to cross the road, waiting for a train or just walking down the stairs and seeing myself hanging. I don't even need to be particularly down but I can't get it out of my head. Sorry, nothing of use, just *hugs*

[irkeninvader]

Do you know what you want to escape from? *hugs you*

[Ragdoll]

I had to do something tonight, so I went for the 'safer' option and cut. Ended up at hospital to get stitches.

I feel so guilty that my son had to come to the hospital with me while I got stitched up. I don't want this continuing when he's old enough to understand why mummy is in the hospital. That's got to be my motivation. I asked Rusty to remind me of that feeling next time I want to harm.

I'm at the day unit tmorrow so I'll speak to someone then, and take any help they offer me.

I'm currently feeling very tearful, ashamed, guilty and angry at myself. And sore, because the local's wearing off now.

[phoenixflames_forever]

*huggles you* am sorry you've been struggling, i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better, but i am thinking of you xxx

[Casper_Fading]

Oh sweetheart. *cuddles you tightly* is it possible to take advantage of some help to look after Harlan for the day or night and give you time to just relax and pamper YOU! *cuddles*

[Ragdoll]

I went to the day unit today and they've brought my psych appointment forward to next week. I think I'll probably be going back on citalopram as I found it really helpful with the anxiety side of things, but we wanted to try upping the sertraline first just to see if it woulld help. I think we can safely say it hasn't.

The staff at the unit were really nice today - Rusty came in and told my key worker what had happened and she informed the others who are involved with me (nursery nurse, staff nurse etc).

One of the nurses, who I get on really well with, asked me to think about what I think would improve the situation. I said I didn't know, but she told me to think about it during the day. I think I just need a break from everything - baby/dog/housework/bottles/pressure in general. That's why I obsess about taking pills or cutting, it's not suicide, it's needing to escape for a while. I'm not sure how to do that in a safe way - I could stay at my mum's and she'd ;look after Harlan, but I don't want to leave Rusty on his own. I can't leave Harlan with Rusty cos he goes to uni 3 days a week. I don't know.

What about staying with Rusty, and then the 3 days he's at Uni go stay with your mother so she can play a role in taking care of Harlan?
That way you get the break, and Rusty can still come see you at your mums?

I had to come off citalopram last week as i was on it with Imipramine (a tricicyle anti-depressant) as i had the most horrendous nightmares/panic attacks - but i think it's because it didn't mix with my higher dosage of anti-depressants.
I hope it works for you hun especially as you found it helpful before.

Big hugs to you all, try to stay safe hun.
xx

[Ragdoll]

Unfortunately my parents live a 2 hour drive away

We'll work something out. If switching meds is as bad as it has been before then I may get mum to take H for a few days til I'm over the worst of it.

*Nods*
I agree sweetie. I'm on my 11th set of medication, and i know all too well how crap it is when you swap/start new meds, waiting for them to kick in.

Don't ever believe though Victoria that you're a "bad mother" or anything along those lines - you really aren't. I often wonder what i'd feel like if i was to have a child in the current mental state i am now, and i honestly don't think i'd beable to get through it.
You're so much stronger than you realise hunny.
Concentrate on getting yourself better ok? *squish*

If you need to chat feel free to PM me at anytime.
Big hugs
xxx