Useless Brain

Steel Maiden · 25-10-2008, 03:09 PM

Ever since I ended up in hospital recently, my brain has stopped working. I can't even read a book. I find it hard even to watch a documentary.

All my brain is good at is hearing Voices, hallcuinating Men in Suits, my guardian angel and the cat, and giving me paranoid thoughts.

I'm on TWENTY-FIVE MILLIGRAMS of olanzapine. And my illness is still bad enough that my Dad is going to ask my psych if I could go residential in a psych ward for a few months. My illness (paranoid schizophrenia) has hit me HARD. I can't live any more.

I can't even exercise. I went for a walk today to Wimbledon (3 miles) and I had to take the bus back because my legs were quivering from the olanzapine.

I can't sleep, even when I take sleeping pills, I keep waking up ten times a night.

I can't go anywhere by myself because the Mindreaders and Men in Suits are out there to get me.

I'm under constant surveillance by the Mindreaders that have implanted cameras in my eyeballs so that they watch every single thing I do.

I'm physically weaker and unfit. I used to be a weightlifter and a long-distance cross-country runner. Now I can't carry too many shopping bags and I can't walk more than a few miles. I'm just glad I have a Freedom Pass.

I hate myself. I hate my illness. I am at a loss. One of my Voices wants me to kill a member of the public. I feel like doing that as I feel like throwing my Life away. I cannot carry on.

sherlock holmes · 25-10-2008, 04:19 PM

Don't listen to the voices. Just because you have this illness does not mean you should throw your life away. Things might look bad to you now, but they might get better. There's different medications for you to try, and perhaps going residential in a specialist hospital might really help you. If you killed someone, then you would be locked away for the rest of your life with no hope of getting out. You don't want that.

Steel Maiden · 25-10-2008, 07:43 PM

Thanks Control Freak, I will not carry out what these voices say. The Home Treatment Team saw me today and said they'll do a medication review next week. My Dad is going to mention residential care to my psychiatrist when he sees her.

Sorry that I worried you.

I just feel so utterly sh*t and useless atm.

sherlock holmes · 25-10-2008, 07:50 PM

Have a *hug* if you want it. Don't feel **** and useless =[ You sound like you're trying really hard to ignore the voices, that's good.

Steel Maiden · 25-10-2008, 09:59 PM

Thanks for the hug, it helped. I am hopefully seeing my psych on Monday and the Home Treatment Team are going to see me daily.

I just don't know what to do. The Voices are so debilitating that I can't do anything except walk and go on the internet.

I miss Cambridge...I miss my director of studies and my tutor...I want to be back there...I don't want to be at home...

The Voices are killing me and I think I'm going to scream and then hurt myself.

ems · 26-10-2008, 02:24 AM

i'm sorry hun *hugs**more hugs* I'm just trying to cling on to the hope that oneday things might be ok, one day, jst concentrate at survivng for the moment *hug* sorry i'm not much use

Steel Maiden · 26-10-2008, 05:40 PM

Thanks Ems, you do help. The hope that one day I'll find the correct medication etc keeps me going.

alienshe_cheesycake · 26-10-2008, 05:50 PM

Hey, I haven't got any advice or anything
Just wanted you to know that your not alone

My brains turned to mush ever since I got ill with pychosis and the meds that I'm on have turned me into a zombie
I can't even read a book or watch a programme on tv
My concentration is that bad I've had to quit college too
which I'm gutted about

*hugs* I can sympathise a lot
Hope your ok hun

xxxxxxxxx

Steel Maiden · 27-10-2008, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jess_alienshe_cheesycake

Hey, I haven't got any advice or anything
Just wanted you to know that your not alone

My brains turned to mush ever since I got ill with pychosis and the meds that I'm on have turned me into a zombie
I can't even read a book or watch a programme on tv
My concentration is that bad I've had to quit college too
which I'm gutted about

*hugs* I can sympathise a lot
Hope your ok hun

xxxxxxxxx

You're going through the same thing as me except that my meds don't zombify me.

In fact, my olanzapine does NOTHING. I might as well be taking fake pills every day.

How do you manage from day to day? What do you normally spend the day doing? I do a lot of pointless walking and I sometimes watch TV. RYL is a god for me; I'm on it 2-3 times a day. I also play Tetris on the internet a lot.

Thank you for the hugs.

XXXXX

Cryptic. · 27-10-2008, 02:47 PM

Hugs hun... I'm sorry I have nothing useful to say... Just that I really hope things will start to look up for you really soon...

Steel Maiden · 27-10-2008, 06:00 PM

Thanks Sarey.

I just watched CSI and it reminded me of how I aspire to become a forensic pathologist...I just wish I could start learning now, but my useless brain won't let me.

DAMN MEDS WORK GODDAMNIT.

lostandalone3 · 27-10-2008, 10:33 PM

I dont know if you remember me talking to you about Clozapine. But have you asked your Dr. to trial you on it?

Steel Maiden · 27-10-2008, 11:26 PM

The HTT suggested it, but my Mum's not happy with the side-effects that come with it. But I do suspect they'll try it. Perhaps that drug carries a ray of hope for me?

lostandalone3 · 28-10-2008, 05:11 AM

yes you should try it! i think it is usually for those that have tried other anti psychotics which didnt work.

It will sedate you to begin with but that does wear off

sherlock holmes · 28-10-2008, 02:19 PM

As I said in another thread, I was on the psych ward with a woman on clozapine and it really did make a lot of difference, she was much better when she was on it, but she did sleep a lot.

Steel Maiden · 28-10-2008, 05:02 PM

Sedation is one of my most hated side-effects though as I hate sleeping. I wish that sleep wasn't a human requirement.

Well my doctor hasn't contacted me yet so I don't even have an appointment. I have only two days left of my meds. I hope I won't end up having to call my GP up to get a prescription asap when I run out.