Triggering (SI/OD) - I am weak and stupid and pathetic...
Things have been getting really difficult again and I kind of realised that the pressure at work (I'm a solicitor whose boss is a bit of a ****) is really not helping. I've decided to take a step back and apply for more junior roles eg as a paralegal both in the firm and externally. I thought it might be a sensible thing to do, give me more time to try and get over this as currently things aren't great but maybe I'm just giving in. Being good at my job is the only thing I've ever been any use for but I am not coping. I'm really annoyed with myself as I didn't used to be this person who got so upset and tearful or full of rage. Anyway, just wondering whether you reckon this is a bit of a cop out because the voices certainly keep telling me that and maybe they're right, they usually are.
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 31-10-2008 at 11:34 PM.
Reason: Reality
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
No hun, it does NOT seem a cop out in the least. I know how bad voices can get, but on this it is WRONG. You are showing you want YOU to be well and are taking steps to achieve that....i say keep on with what you are doing, it sounds very smart.
You need to care for you right now as it sounds like things are piling up and affecting you negatively and youyr job and the enjoyment/satisfaction you got/get from it.
So simple answer? NO it isnt a cop out
YES you should do it
Thanks hun. I am trying to do something, take a step to regain control. To me it feels weak but to my CPN it would prob seem sensible. I can't even do hearing voices right (only pseudo-hallucinations according to the psych - I'd like to see them trying to deal with constant noise)! It's as though I am taking a step back because I am still at work at the moment and yes I struggle to get out everyday, not OD etc to keep the absences down. I reckon maybe a step down but aiming to attend properly would in a way be a step forward. Sorry, this is a random stream of consciousness, it helps me to kind of get it out to think about it properly if that makes sense.
How you doing at the moment?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
getting a less stressful job is not a cop out, its a good idea. It will give you something that you enjoy, not something that is going to cause you problems. It will help you control your life and not let the stress take control. I don't think it's a step back, actually I think it's a step forward. Whoever decided people have to force themselves to earn more money, or to 'move on' in their career should be shot in my opinion! What is wrong with enjoying a stress less job? You are doing it for at least 37 hours a week, so why force yourself to do something you hate and is making you unwell?
I think you are doing exactly the right thing for you. And that is what matters.
Take care
Lozx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
It's not a cop out at all, I think taking the the different roles you mentioned is a good idea. Finding things difficult to cope with does not mean you're weak.
I spoke to HR who advised me to go and see the partner who is in charge of recruiting for the particular position. She enquired first for me anonymously and it was promising. Anyway, I went to see the partner - I've worked for him and his team in the past - he seems happy to take me on. He is of course interviewing for the position but thinks it sounds like the best option for me and the firm. He asked me to think about it before giving him a firm answer but I know I am going to confirm that I want it. He even said that due to my skill level, etc, although it is a paralegal position he can justify a higher salary (still around 17k less than my current but hey ho) and will push for it with HR.
All positive? You'd think. In my head they are screaming and laughing - loser, we knew you'd give up, you can't fight us or who you are, pathetic, *laughter* etc
Anyway, my CPN cancelled his appt at last minute today but called me later in the afternoon. I told him about the position they are offering me and he reckons it is a "gifthorse" as it would give me the opportunity to sit back a bit, have regular, normal hours and a chance to try and stabilise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trucktastic
don't think it's a step back, actually I think it's a step forward.
- exactly what my CPN said. He reckons of late that I have turned a corner as I am now talking to him more, spoke to my psych etc.
IT'S WEAK THOUGH. FAILURE. NOT DOING WHAT YOU SHOULD AND WHAT ABLE TO DO.
I have to punish myself. Haven't cut for a week and 1/2 but going to have to now. The rage that has been boiling over of late needs to be turned on me.
Sorry, just ranting, don't expect anyone to read/reply.
Thanks
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
If you are unwell or have an illness with the nature that many people on here do then you find you have to make allowances for that and it doesn't make you any less of a person in doing so.
no no no!!!!! It's BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Extremely brilliant!!!! I am so proud of you for doing this. It's a HUGE step forward for you. You are finally doing what is RIGHT for you. You know why those voices are screaming now? Not just talking? Because they're LOSING! You're kicking their asses. You're talking, you're getting help. That's why they're screaming. you're doing so well. I know it doesn't seem like it to you but you ARE! *cuddles* i'm proud of you.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Thanks Jess *cries*, I really wish that what you said was true. They scare me and I just want them to go away. Is it really a step forward though, I reckon it is me giving into a weakness, taking an easy option.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I've made up my mind and I am going to ask them to consider (i.e. give me the job as I've been pretty much told it's mine if I want it) me for the paralegal position. I'll have to punish myself now though. I wonder how long it will be until I will no longer have to punish myself for this.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
If i had listened to my inner voice from the start i dont think id be in the ****ing mess im in now. Im not bright enough to be a lawyer but i was pretty successful in my job. The more success the more work i took on and so forth.
More money.more responsibility and rapidly diminishing happiness until one day my brain just melted and 3 years down the line im still incapable of work.
LISTEN to your heart and not your head.
Dont be like a pengy. *shakes head*
The true strength is having the nerve to follow your feelings and take a step back.
Thanks Matthew. I've bene heading towards melt-down for 2nd/3rd time this year - I go a little crazy with ODs, drink etc which makes me miss work. I suppose I think that if there isn't the pressure at work, it will slow-down the onslaught. It really pees me off though when I see other people around me getting on with their career when quite frankly they are dim and lack the technical ability but I'm weak in the head I suppose which is worse than them I suppose. I'm just so mad. Everything was working towards it and now I have it, I realise I am too weak right now to deal with it.
When I went back to work 2nd time round this year, my boss suggested I learn to say "no". He said I wouldn't no what people's reactions to it would be as he had never heard me say no to taking on extra work. I find when I get really busy at work like this I end up getting panic attacks - definitely not fun.
Any ideas on getting rid of the voices - new meds although seem to be lessening the sh/severity do not seem to have managed to quieten them down at all and they are particularly noisy at the moment due to this decision.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Honey listen to matt, the pengy knows what he's talking about!
It is a huge strength to know when you need to step back. And in some (many) ways it's much harder to step back then keep pushing yourself to a meltdown. *cuddls*
I love you honey
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
i just wanted to say i think you are doing the right thing and it sounds really brave and sensible to me and you definitely DONT need to punish yourself though i know that is how you are feeling.
I have been in my job for about 15 months though.Before that i had done voluntary work but nothing paid - i felt a failure for that as i am 25.When the position i have now was first advertised they were offering it as a full time post.However after some discussion [as i have mental health problems, have a physical disability and its my first paid job] they decided they were more than happy to offer me the job for four hours each day five days a week.
This has really suited me well.However i still feel guilty and bad for not working full time and think others expect it of me too sometimes ie other people i meet [not really people at work though im sure they might think something too!] and often i feel really really bad about it but the reality is as my CPN says when i discussed feeling bad about it with her you have to do what is right for you.Her words were to me 'If something works for you and isnt broken, why fix it or change it?'.
She says she felt much healthier doing her CPN role part time as she used to in her old location rather than full time as she is now.i guess different things work for different people.
i still beat myself up about this a lot and will probably never stop.But right now this is enough for me and my work are happy with my hours too.The only thing i can manage to throw back at the thoughts when im feeling so bad about it all though and that i should be working full time is that though i am still fairly ill now i have been extremely ill with my mental health before and i have no desire to go back to being that ill, its awful.
Thats what helps me a little to try and ease the pressure i put on myself to be different/manage to work more hours etc....though it still doesnt ease it much but a bit.
If working part time is what it takes to keep me just about well then thats what I need to do.
Theres no question about that.
i dont want to go backwards.
No matter how bad i feel about myself...........
im sorry for explaining my situation in your thread.i know your situation is slightly different in that your going from a 'higher' job to a more 'junior' role so maybe my experiences wont help you and im sorry if they dont but i could really relate to a lot of what you wrote.
Also i really dont think what your doing is a cop out at all.It shows responsibility and maturity.And as others said though i know it must be horrible the voices are probably only screaming now cos they are losing.
Please keep fighting them.
i really hope that things work out for you.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 26-10-2008 at 09:52 PM.
Reason: To change it/make it a bit clearer/paragraphs
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Sometimes we see world class atheletes on TV saying they are not going to compete in this years world championships or the olympics because they feel under-par or are not fully fit. Many who do this wait a few years, train hard and come back winners. They dont compete and get forgotten as "also-rans". They know their bodies limits. It doesnt make them failures, it just makes them more aware of themselves.
Perhaps if you think of it like that it wont seem like you are weak or failing, but infact you are saving yourself and getting fitter and stronger so that you will be ready and far far better able to succeed in a couple of years time when your brain is at its fittest.....
It's official, I have 4 more weeks left in my current position until I move to the paralegal position. HR (with their usual jump in with feet first and think later) have spoken to my boss. The thing is now it's really awkward because they have told him but I haven't. I have a visit from my CPN in the morning but when I go into the office after that I will have to go and say that I know he already knows but I hadn't wanted to say anything earlier in case nothing came of it and it made things awkward.
I feel sick, the closest I've been to a full blown panic attack for a while - it was a little scary for a bit as reality hit. I've just given up the only thing people had valued me for. I've just given up something towards which I have been studying/working towards for 8 years. I've just taken a huge pay cut. I'm going back to work for a team and they'll all want to know why I am taking on this role instead of my current one.
The partners within the team had a meeting this morning to decide whether they want to actually go ahead with it. I spoke to one of them on the 'phone afterwards and it was quite surprising - it had them all questioning whether they have ever given it any thought as to stopping the escalator and being able to appreciate being able to stop/slow down instead of it always being too fast underfoot. More surprising was that this wasn't the female partner as you would assume but one of the male ones.
Scared of going back to them. They pretty much jumped at the chance of having me back but what if I let them down. All these people at the firm seem to have weird idea that I'm good at my job (even been called "a rare talent") but the reality is that I can't cut it. I'm a failure. The taunting voices are correct.
HR have also said that if it would help, they would be willing to fund private counselling or suchlike. They're scared that they've put too much on me aren't they? It was me who took it on though. Good job they don't actually know what is going on - they were told I have "mild depression" in the med rpt I helped my GP write for them
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I spoke to my boss this afternoon. He asked me where this leaves my career - thanks for the reminder that I am currently in nosedive. He also said that he could tell I had lost my confidence when I came back to work in the summer. If that's the case, why has been such a **** and taken out everything on me when it hasn't been my fault. Surely, he could have been a little less twatty. Anyway, I know it's not his fault really, it's my weakness. Having spoken to him I feel relieved as I was dreading it but now what do I hear - all the taunting. Had to buy a new ipod today aswell as I lost it (or perhaps it was nicked from me) whilst out pissed on Sunday night - serves me right but ouch for my pocket, especially as I've just had to fork out £500 to replace my back door after the crisis team overreacted and the police bashed it in. Oh yeah, and from next month my salary takes a massive dive. Going to try and have to curb my impulsive spending - what area of my life can I transfer my impulsiveness to now
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
