I'm finding things tough. I love Harlan, of course I do, but I'm finding it hard to take care of myself right now, let alone him. It's pathetic, because I used to work as a nanny, so how can I not take care of my own child?
It just feels like there's this constant pressure to perform and I can't keep it up much longer. I feel like going back to old ways and taking a ton of codeine so I'll just sleep for hours. Last time I did that, Rusty called NHSDirect, who called an ambulance. Don't want that. Just want some time out.
I guess you could say I'm having time out now, cos Rusty has the baby, but my mind won't switch off and I just want the anxiety to go away. The psych at the day unit has upped my meds but I don't feel any better. I'm not seeing her again til 15th November but if things keep going this way I'll have to try and see her sooner.
On top of everything, the day unit is closed tmorrow and thursday, so I've had to get my parents to come up on thursday so I'm not on my own. I was alone with him on monday and found it really hard. Had to text Rusty and he came home early from uni.
It's just so tempting. There's half a big bottle of vodka/mixer-stuff in the fridge and plenty of codeine around the house, plus of course my anti-depressants.
I just want to get away from everything for a while.
You know the horrible thought that's going through my head?
I know my mum would take him for a couple of days so we could get some proper sleep, and I'd probably appreciate him more after a break, but part of me is scared I won't want him back.
You'll want him back honey. Right now you're so stressed becasue you're tired and feeling cruddy. Talk to you parents. What yuo're going through is really common! Babies are wonderful but they don't just all of a sudden make you a-ok! You need time to yourslef, same as before. Ask your mum to take him and get some rest. *cuddles tightly* you're not going through anything out of the ordinary sweetheart. Even for people who aren't going through depression and anxiety stuff, a baby is a hugely stressful thing! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Aw hun, I wish I had something more constructive to say but I wanted to let you know I care and feel free to PM me if you need anything. Try to take care of yourself *hugs you*
Firstly I dont think youre horrible at all, I think youre a tired and stressed new mum and its normal to feel anxious all the time. Everyone knows you love Harlan but Im guessing you feel guilty for thinking anything negative but its ok.
I think the best thing to do is call your mum and talk to her about this,you never know....she mightve felt exactly the same way. Of course you will want him back, but this is all new for you and youre just finding your feet. You know you dont have to perform everything perfectly....my friend who had a baby recently is always telling me she just muddles through at the moment.
But the number one thing to remember is that youre not a bad mother/horrible person....you just need a bit of a break and thats ok, it doesnt make you bad, it makes you human!
Take care.x
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
It sounds like you DO love him with everything you have which is why you're getting even MORE stressed about being stressed!!!!! *cuddles* do what Liv said, call you're mum!!! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I got Rusty to read this thread and we talked about things which helped.
I managed to cope with doing H's 11pm and 3am feeds last night and just got his dad to do the 6am one, so I'm quite pleased with myself, stupid as it may sound. We're going out this afternoon (hopefully, the car is being temperamental so it depends on that) to see Berni and Kyle so that's summat to look forward to
Ragdoll, it's ok to feel stressed, really. I'd take advantage of willing grandparents; it really is not selfish to want a break, especially when you have the extra challenge of your own mental health to cope with; remember, psychs, health visitors, midwives, everyone will realise that it's better that you have a break and don't "do" anything, than don't ask for help and sink deeper. BTW, netmums is good for mummy support.
It really is difficult sometimes, newborns are hard enough without extra stress. Do PM, i've got a toddler running around just now, otherwise i'd write some more!
18.11 28.4 6.5 22.31
My heart just needs his smile, that i can't forget, like so melancholy a kiss.
