Triggering (Suicide) - Re-Occurring Thought *VERY triggering, please read with caution*

[Misunderstood.]

I haven't felt suicidal, I don't feel quite that bad. Certainly not planning or anything like that, it's more a there's nothing left to live for so I'm going to flit the rest of my life away as it is worth nothing slant I have on things now, and have had since I had to leave my ex. Like Kurt Cobain had the lyric ~ "Everyday's a Sunday, for all I care". Pretty much sums me up now.
But yesterday night I felt like cutting lots, not just one but keeping on until I'd covered the space I started in. No big deal right, especially as I didn't do it as it would upset my mum and stepdad should they find out.
I wrote a thread in MH Discuss' about stopping the Zispin. I don't know if it's that or perhaps the fact that I am 'On' that brings these violent thoughts and images around but,..while walking to the shop today I had a feeling of pressure in my chest like I needed to cry or emote hugely in some way but that it was compressed. I also had in my head thoughts of me slashing my throat and everything from inside me spurging out, like being released, not just falling out but gushing out. I have had this thought re-occur for some time now, weeks I think.
I'd never do it, unless possibly I was heavily under the influence. Just the thought of slashing my throat and I dunno, almost like purging out everything that I feel I have to hold in. For the first and last time and then dying. Collapsing to the floor. And everybody would know what led me to it, cos it'd be around me on the ground. The insides, what I hid.
You probably think I'm sick now. This is why I don't talk all that much about what goes on in my head.
ThankYou for reading.

[Misunderstood.]

I'm glad that I'm not the only one. I will ring for an urgent psych appt. if I become at risk of acting on them but it hasn't happened yet thankfully.
Thanks for the reply.
x-x-x-x

[Merc]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eleutheros

Can completely relate, but haven't a clue what to advise... these feelings do pass in time, but if they are really wearing you out or you get to a point where you might act on them then DO seek medical help.

XXX

^^ same thing i was going to say
Just wondering how you are feeling now??
Pls feel free to PM anytime if you want/need ok?

Thinking of you
romp

[Misunderstood.]

I feel quite cr*p atm to be honest. I wrote more in the First aid part of the forum. Wondering if it's to do with medication change / reduction. That probably sounds like a stupid question but I thought I'd be ok
Thanks so much for saying I can PM. I may well do
think I'm gonna go and try to get some sleep. Think if this day had anything to offer it would have done by now ?lol?.

[Merc]

wondering how you are? Im on new meds right now too so can relate tothe , 'is this a side effect or not?' thinking...
just wanted you to know i DONTthink you are sick and we are here to help anyways we can.
Again, PM anytime if you feel like it?

Thinking of you
romp

[Misunderstood.]

I feel quite anxious at the moment and have been irritable as well. I fell out with a friend earlier because I was so snappy and I really don't like being like this, I went as far as saying I was pleased that he said goodbye as in not speaking to me again and even then he said he'd miss me. So I said that I couldn't handle friendships because it's not the first time I've messed up and I can't go through the relief of being forgiven only to be nasty through irritibality I can't control, again. I basically said it is easier to be hardened i.e not have any friends or show feelings because it's consistent.
This isn't me and I really don't like it and the anxiety and irritabilty / snappiness is something that the new medication is meant to deal with. I don't like being horrible and snappy, I just can't seem to help it.
I'm really glad that you can relate and understand.
{hugs}

[Misunderstood.]

Didn't want to thread again but felt the need to post and basically moan, about the headache I've got today. I wouldn't normally but these have been so frequent at the moment. I threaded about it in First Aid and was advised to seek help sort of quickly even if it meant going to A&E, it seemed to suggest but the possible reasons for the headaches were quite serious and I played down my response to reading that.
I think I will make a GP appointment on Monday about them. Almost without fail now I wake up with a headache and it's a really bad one too. Sometimes it goes after I've drank and eaten and been up about an hour but sometimes it doesn't and todays feels like it won't.
The pain gets so bad that it makes me feel generally ill in the way of tremouring and such.