ok, im not sure how long this may be, but theres stuff in my head that i feel i just really need to get out...
im sorry for posting, its another thing that makes me feel guilty. i struggle with feelings of guilt. my mum fell downstairs a few years ago and since then shes been very ill, and no matter what anyone says i feel so guilty about it cus i feel it was my fault...i didnt go upstairs to get her something so she went..and fell..and i saw her fall. and the impact on everyone in my family from her getting ill is horrible. and i struggle just talking my mum..even now cus i feel so much guilt. does that make any sense to anyone?
iv got this constant feeling of being alone. everyone seems distant, like im falling away from everyone, even my boyfriend and i dont know what to do
i feel 'empty' i cant think of any other word to describe it, just completely empty.
my grasp on reality is falling. somedays nothing seems real, i get weird thoughts in my head like i convince myself if i jumped off a building i could fly cus nothing exits. and other times i just feel very disconnected from reality and myself
my mood and anxiety constantly shift..on a good day i can go out and order my own drinks, on a bad day im too scared to leave my room. im finding it more and more difficult to find the motivation to just get out of bed..
my suicidal thoughts are happening more and more. i mean its always in the back of my mind but its coming to the front of my mind more and more. i feel asthough everyone would be better off without me. and also noone 'needs' me...does anyone understand that? itx asthough everyones got someone whos closer to them than me, im not that one person someone couldnt live without...if i killed myself i know it would affect people, but theyd have people their closer to to lean on. is this making any sense to anyone?
im sorry, this is a really long post..i just need it out my head..i need someone to care. i dont know. i feel at such a lose end.
i see my gp every 2 weeks to get citalopram, but it has yet to take affect. i got reffered to a psych team but they didnt accept me..but i was completely disconnected in the assessment and i cant remember what they said.
i know im struggling, and i really need some help, but i dont know what there is left to do. iv been like this for so many years, been thru cahms and the 16-19 service..and noone seems able to help me. maybe they can see i dont deserve to be helped.
im sorry this is long...i dont even know what im asking for..anything i suppose. a hug? someone telling me im not alone? advice? anything..
thanks xx
