Triggering (SI) - Apparently im a god damn bitch...*UPDATE ON PG 12*
worst than ever.
yesterday it all hit the fan.
chenoa was supposed to babysit kaleb while went to the docs...she had agreed to do it the day before. nana talked to kelly yesterday afternoon and told her that chenoa went to sleep 30 minutes after kaleb had been there which went nana had to watch him.
chenoa came over last night. i was giving kaleb a bath and when she knocked, i told kelly she should have a talk with her. thats ALL i said. i dont even know what kelly said to her because i was with kaleb.
few minutes later kelly's father showed up. he's the only one that has never had a problem with me or so i thought. he came in, sat down and asked "who is the mama around here?" kelly said "we both are". i was standing in the kitchen and he decided to go on a rant about how kelly does everything i tell her and then he pointed his finger at me and said "you need to keep your damn mouth shut." i got dizzy. i went to the bedroom becausxe i thought i would pass out. hes never spoken to me like that and the tone of his voice was so mean. my tears finally came and wouldnt stop.
later last night, kelly called her mother and during the conversation, her mother called me a "god damn bitch". kelly immediately hung up on her.
im floored. im hurt. im angry. im confused.
i have become so involved in kaleb's life that i am raising him as if he were my own. but i have to stop because this family is so foreign to me. when i had keith, his grandparents respected my rules and if they didnt i wouldnt let keith visit for a while. i have let myself love kaleb too much. but how can i not???
i know kelly's parents would have put me out by now if i werent paying the bills. thats all i am to them. a financial guarantee.
ive hit an all time low. i fully intended to harm last night but i didnt. i guess i was just too exhausted to bother with the effort.
no one has ever spoken to me like this before except my own family(how pathetic).
im way too passionate about children...way too concerned. i guess ive stepped on too many toes. i have to take a step back, distance m,yself from kaleb somehow. but i dont know how.
sorry for the rant.
Last edited by Yellow : 18-10-2008 at 03:35 PM.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
but things are more complicated....this trailer is in her father's name because years ago kelly got in financial trouble and was afraid the collection people would take her home. she decided to let her father take on the trailer so she wouldnt lose it. since then she has asked to change it back to her name but he wont do it. and she WONT stand up to him.
he could put me out at anytime. i pretty much know he would have already if i wasnt paying the bills because if i am gone he has to pay the bills because kelly cant work.
i cant be involved with kaleb to the extent that i am without speaking my mind. and i seem to cause more trouble than help. ive honestly NEVER lived like this or known people like this. i dont know how to act. they live right next door.
im so upset, depressed. ive even told kelly that i may need inpatient for a WHILE. and if i go...i may go soon so i can be out for christmas, so i can see my OWN son
no one seems to understand(i dont mean folks here) how hard its been taking care of another little boy while mine is gone.
today, kelly questioned me how i was going to "distance" myself from kaleb. it felt like more of a guilt trip than a question. i told her that if she needed to question anyone about ANYTHING.....she needed to question her parents and not me.
she was falling asleep earlier on the couch....i kept waking her because kaleb was here. i CANT be responsible for him anymore for my own sanity. but she kept going back to sleep....i finally told her to send him to her parents.
she's napping now.
im so lost. i didnt defend myself against her mother or father last night. that isnt like me. i usually defend myself. even my mother couldnt believe that i didnt. i feel so beaten down. so tired....defeated.
sorry for the essay.
i dont even know if im really typing this. everything seems so surreal. im losing time or something....i dont know
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
D is right... you need to **** the family off somehow... or you can tell them that since they're so upset with yuo, you will no longer look after Kaleb at all so they can do everything that you do right now. Tell kelly that she cna no longer rest if Kaleb is in the house. FORCE her to do something about this. If Kelly goes to sleep and Kaleb is there, wake her, tell you're going out and then leave. Go for a walk ro something. You have to get her to fix this love, cause it's out of your hands. *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
You are definitely not a bitch, hun. If you are so involved in a child's life that is not your own, how oculd you possibly be a bitch? That is an incredibly responsible and caring thing to do. Well done for not harming last night!
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
*Holds you close* Oh Rach honey, you are NOT a bitch, you are one of the loveliest people I've ever met. I know it's horrible when people act negatively towards you, but please try not to take anything they say to heart. You don't need to distance yourself from Kaleb, love him as much as you want, things will become harder if you try to distance yourself from someone you've become attatched to.
If you think going IP will help you, then please hun, do it.
Love you loads x
ive gone numb.
i remember this feeling of numbness.
i had it most of the time as a child. it actually feels like a form of dissociation to me. its like my brain has gone into robot mode. kelly has cried on and off now all day and ive felt nothing. and i dont feel guilty either.
i interacted with Kaleb more today since the whole blow up.
everything is really hard right now for Kelly and i both. she cries alot easier than i do and she's shed enough tears for the both of us over this crap.
she called her mother last night and stood up for me like no one has EVER done. she talked to her for about 20 minutes with the whole conversation about how ive helped her and how much i love Kaleb and how she doesnt think she could raise him alone. also how she completely quit smoking marijuana since i moved in over a year now which is AMAZING. she was a regular smoker. but she quit because i hate it. she told her mother that she has grown this year into a more responsible person and mother and that ive helped her. someone finally stood up for me besides ME. i love Kelly so much. this is hurting her too.
dont know what else to say.
thanks again guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
awww i'm glad she stood up for you! That's so lovely! (Proud of you Kel honey!!!! That took guts) Honey you WILL get past this and the numbness will pass. You're a wonderful person (you both are) and I love you lots :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
sometimes it just DOES. ive worked so hard to please people. ive spent my whole life doing this. but i continually fail. ive always been an advocate for children. but ive had it thrown in my face. i dont have a home anymore. its basically just a place to lay my head. ive been told what to do and what not to do. and i always obey. i was trained to obey, im very good at it.
but my passion has been taken from me, my voice has been taken. i have lost myself. i cant be who i am. so i dont know who to be anymore.
this is when suicide makes sense. when everything in your life has failed. when you see no future beyond this minute. when youve made no difference in anyone's life. you become a nuissance. you become a pest. you have no more hopes or dreams because you have failed at them all. there are more people who hate you than love you. you are the common denominator in your life. you have no idea why people dislike you. they just do. there is something intracitely wrong with you. you are tainted. maybe you always have been. you no longer serve a purpose. you have been forced to live under a microscope, hoping you dont make a wrong move and become homeless. this is when suicide makes sense.
but the worst part is that even though it makes sense....you wont do it because you have the sweetest little boy who lives so far away. and he will never give up on you. he has faith in you. and you cant possibly leave him. he is the one constant in your life.
so, whether or not dying makes sense...you dont have that option. this sinks you into a depression like youve never experienced.
you become a robot just going through the motions.
life means nothing because your soul is slowly dying and soon you'll only be a walking shell with nothing left inside. but you keep going because you have no other option.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
my brother is an alcoholic.
my sis is selling his truck.
he lost over $300.00 last night.
wants to kill himself.
chaos here as always.
chaos with my family always.
i have a right mind to go kidnap Keith and run away.
with no money. with nothing.
just see where the road takes us.
im dangerous.
im aware.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
darlin.... you're aware of where you're at. That is a VERY good thing. Hold onto that awareness about where you're at. Seriously consider ip to be safe... *cudles* i love you dalring. always.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
