Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I GIVE UP

airwolf282 · 14-10-2008, 10:21 AM

i am giving up. i can't make it in life. i had a massive panic attack at the airport coming home yesterday. i had tingling in my arms and face and felt like i was about to die for almost 90 mins. and i lashed out and abused a bunch of ****ing ******** cunts for staring and judging me. i keep trying to get a job but not even a ****ing supermarket will employ me. it just goes to show how useless and worthless i am. nobody is willing to help me and when i try it on my own i get absolutely nowhere. i can't get the words my ex said out of my mind; nathan your a worthless mentally unstable bastard. it's so ****ing true. i used to be able to talk to my cousin who has had depression but even she calls me attention seeking or will give me a lecture about how god will not approve of suicide. i don't need to ****ing hear that ****. i'm doubtful if god exists and i think its just something weak minded people made up to give themselves false hope of forgiveness and an afterlife because they are too scared to face reality. nobody needs me around so i am giving up. i will stop taking meds, eating and taking in water from tomorrow. i just want to cut the hell out of my arms right now. i don't know if i can even make it through the night. my wife took my rope away but i can still get a heap of pills out of the medicine cupboard. then there will be no more nathan, no more problems, no more worthless mental case for everyone to be embarrased by and ashamed of.

by worthless and useless nathan

Slip · 14-10-2008, 10:26 AM

Don't give up nathan - you are not worthless...

((hugs)) xxx

Casper_Fading · 14-10-2008, 10:41 AM

Nathan I don't have any words right now, i'll come back when i'm a bit more togrther and give you a proper reply. But you are NOT worthless. YOu CAN do this and it WILL pass. *cuddles*

Misunderstood. · 14-10-2008, 06:56 PM

You sound like you're very angry and frustrated at things. You certainly are NOT worthless. It's hard not to shape our opinions of ourself by whatothers say but what others say isn't right a lot of the time and they say things for all sorts of reasons.
I get angry at people if I'm anxious / agitated too. Sorry to hear you had the panic attack. Please don't stop taking your meds and taking fluids etc. Don't give up you must hold onto hope.
Also I hope you will manage to be safe. PM me anytime if you want to. God does exist, he just works in strange ways. But talking about God is probably the last thing you want to hear.
Please don't do anything drastic. There has to be another way.
*big hug*

Catherine x-x-x-x

airwolf282 · 15-10-2008, 08:51 AM

today i'm no better. not wanting to take food or water or meds. my wife sometimes makes me but when she's at work i won't take anything. this afternoon i took a razor blade and cut my wrist. it's patched up now and i am wearing a long sleeve t shirt because i hate people knowing about it and judging me. my wife will be extremely angry at me when she finds out. now i have no energy and can barely get out of bed. when i left the house this morning i felt like i was going to collapse. i don't have the energy or the will to go on with life. i'm not needed here and my death will be a massive relief to everyone. i have no chance of getting anywhere and there's only one way out for me.

worthless, pathetic and mental nathan

bazil · 19-10-2008, 03:44 PM

Hi
I am sorry to hear you feel so bad I have felt that way before myself. I always think of my children and my husband. Sometimes it helps me carry on. I hope thinking of your wife will have the same effect. Please remember that people care.

Take care

sparklyshoes · 19-10-2008, 04:07 PM

You are not worthless and you are not pathetic, your just going through a really rough time right now. Is there no way that you could talk to your wife about the way you have been feeling at all? You mentioned you take medication, any chance of going to the doc to get it reviewed as it doesn't seem to be doing much for you. So sorry you are feeling like this at the moment but you are not what you think you are *squidge*

airwolf282 · 20-10-2008, 01:02 AM

Thanks everyone.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist but couldn't get one any earlier than early november. i talked to my gp but he won't touch my meds as i have been prescribed a combination of mood stabilizers and tricyclic anti-depressants.

Don't know how I'm going to hold on til then. At least my gp gave me some Xanax so that next time a panic attack starts i can take one.

Nathan

Misunderstood. · 20-10-2008, 06:40 PM

Glad you got something decent to take for the panic attacks.
Good to read that you got an appt with the psychiatrist.

airwolf282 · 21-10-2008, 07:54 AM

I just got a rejection email for a job I applied for. I can't even get a ****ing shitty supermarket job. How worthless am I. I have been here a year and nobody will hire me in this stupid backwards white trash town. I hate it here. I always get discriminated against. Everyone knows of my problems. Especially since I have been taken away by cops, ambulances and the mental health team to hospital. Everybody here is living in the 15th century. They probably think the world's flat and the centre of the universe. I'm so angry and I don't want to live here anymore. I don't have much choice as my pension barely covers living expenses let alone relocating. So I have to put up with dumb ass backwards rednecks until I die. What kind of a life is that? I said to a friend of mine that I wished this whole town was carpet bombed while I'm away at my grandfather's 80th birthday. No more inbred yokels to make me suffer.