I went for my first appointment with the local cmht today. It was following a referral from a&e... i.e the a&e referral got their quicker than my GPs referral did... I guess taking an od on Monday didn't help.
So, today I saw the nurse at the cmht to talk through what I did, why and what help I thought I needed. I have come away with the information that I have to wait for a letter with an appointment with a psychiatrist, who will be able to tell me what if anything is wrong and perhaps help sort out the best course of action. Although I knew (from reading up on cmht's et al) that this is what would happen - I would see a nurse, go away and wait for another appointment. I can't help but feel like I am back to the same place I was when I originally asked my GP for a referral... I am back to waiting for a letter, unsure what the result of it will be and having to try and cling on with whatever straws I have until something comes through or happens.
The other thing that came out of the appointment today, was that I know /something/ is wrong, just not necessarilly what - after all, 'normal' 'stable' people do not take od's. They do not have erratic moods and a lack of awareness of what or where they are at all times. I don't know, part of me thinks the psychiatrist will tell me to go away and stop being silly and wasting their time. The other part of me wants a clear cut diagnosis, a 'this is what is wrong' so that I can then get back on the road of getting help... after all, I must've wanted that help, as I didn't take all the pills I had available at the time on Monday, I went to the Drs, who sent me to a&e... and I gave my boyfriend those left afterwards. If I didn't want help, I wouldve let autopilot do what it does best: destroy me.
I ... wanted to put it down somewhere. Makes it harder to deny to myself later. Sorry if it is in the wrong place and for waffling at you all.
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I think I am impatient to know what is wrong so that I can tell myself we know this is the problem, now we can find the solutions.
I am tired, and just, wanting something sorted... I know it is going to be a slow process, but at the same time I feel like stomping my feet and sulking for being made to wait.
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
If you want a diagnosis- don't hold your breath! Many psychiatrists are reluctant to label you until after they have observed you over a period of time, because certain labels can have consequences and also because quite often the diagnosis is not clean cut, for example personality disorders are rarely diagnosed to people under 18 because it is believed the personality is still "developing" at that stage. A person under 18, may show symptoms consistent with a diagnosis of personality disorder, but the psychiatrist may not foramlly "diagnose" this until several years later.
Some people do like to know their diagnosis, but in truth the actual diagnosis isn't that important- you can still be treated and work on recovering without a label. I didn't know my "formal diagnoses" until July this year, despite having four years of treatment plus some treatment earlier on in my teenage years. It still hasn't stopped me being able to acknowledge ( and work to change when Im in the right mood) aspects of my behaviour and feelings I know are maladaptive. What Im saying is, it doesnt need a name for you to be able to change the thing and for you to be treated sucessfully.
While you are waiting for the appointment, make use of your GP as much as you can. And if you are feeling like ODing again, go back and get them to chase the psychiatrist. Did the CMHT nurse give you a number you could call for support in the mean time or did you make a crisis plan for up to the psychiatric review? If not, it may be helpful to ring the CMHT back and ask if they have someone you could contact for support if you were desperate while you are awaiting a psychiatric appointment.
And although I am plannning on making use of my GP, I want to make sure any treatment I receive in the end will be for the right thing. There is no point going on yet another medicine that will not do anything to help.
Yes, in some ways I would like a diagnosis. Something more clear cut than 'depression' as that does not seem to mesh anymore. That and my previous GP (before I moved) was pants so I do not have the greatest amount of faith in anything she said or did.
I understand them not wanting to asign labels, but I do want to know that whatever we or they decide to do, is right.
I do not have a treatment plan, or a number to call. I know the number of the nurse I spoke to though, so if I do get back down to that level again I may call. I don't know. I have to wait for the appointment I guess. See where it leads. Chances are no-where... But I am doing my best not to think like that.
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
