Triggering (Suicide) - hmmmmmmm

[lostandalone3]

I thought i was starting to feel better, which is prob actually down to the fact i havent slept in a couple days.

All i want to do is sleep, but i have uni work begining to accumulate, and now i have discovered i feel a whole lot better when i am sleep deprived. I dont even feel like i need to sleep.

Anyway i thought i was getting better, but how can they be when i am still having thoughts of suicide? I see things (dont want to say what as dont want to tip share) but i will be driving along and think that looks like a nice place to die, or i will have a patient at work whom is dying and i just wish that i could switch places with them.

I actually (as sick as this sounds) envy them for the fact that they are dying and i am not. And i long to switch places with them.

Is this a sign that i am prob not as well as i first thought and just cos i have started ignoring my feelings and thoughts it doesnt mean that they are just going to disapear.

I think i was a bit delusional in thinking that if i acted ok and 'normal' than i would begin to feel that way.
Sorry for the rant.... But i feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.

[Tig]

You aren't a terrible person at all for feeling this way & having these thoughts. *Hugs*

Like you, I believed that if I could just act ok and tell myself that I was ok I would start to feel better but unfortunately I've learnt it doesn't quite work that way. Having said that though, sometimes you do have to act opposite to what you feel and it can help but probably not in the long term.
I used to find that when I was sleep deprived I did feel better but only because I wasn't with it enough to feel anything, so really I wasn't feeling better at all. Do you think it could be similar for you? Also, are you perhaps using not sleeping as a way to harm yourself? Sleep is really important, you've probably heard it all before but it is important in regulating our emotions and probably not sleeping isn't helping your suicidal feelings. Have you considered speaking to a Doctor if you cannot get to sleep, because they could possibly prescribe you something to help.

I can relate to the thoughts of wanting to be in the position of somebody else who is dying, and I too feel guilty for having these thoughts. I don't really know what to suggest but try not to feel guilty honey because it's the depression that is causing these thoughts, not you.

Are you getting any support for all this? There seems to be so much going on for you & it can really help having someone to tak to & perhaps find a way to help you through your recovery.

Take care lovely, x

[lostandalone3]

Hey thanks for the reply. I still havent slept am not sleeping cos i am not tired and want to become hypomanic. Thats why i have been feeling better cos not sleeping just makes me high. How long can a person go wihout sleep for?

I do have sleeping pills and sedating medications but i havent taken any cos i dont feel the need to sleep.

i am sick of my thoughts but at least when i dont sleep i feel alot better. I have a psych/therapist and a ausume Gp. I just feel right now like i am never going to recover--its already been six years.
I dont even know what to do or how to do it, I normally see my psych/therapist once a week, they have been away for a few weeks tho so maybe i just need to see them whcih is in a few days.