|
Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Don't know what to say.. bit of a rant.. sorry
Well, there are really two points to this thread. I wasn't going to post, but mum just told me something, and it's all bursting out of me and scary and nasty and stuff.
firstly, i have an appointment with my GP on tuesday - it was 2 weeks ago that i went under the pretence of 'increase in panic attacks' to try and hint that i was extremely depressed. She caught on, far too quickly and far too well.
I've filled out a questionnaire for depression that I have to take in on tuesday. I'm not feeling good about it, not at all. I dont want it to say I'm depressed, but I need it to. I must be, for god's sake. If I'm not then I'm just insane. I WANT to be depressed, which is a very confused emotion to be feeling.. I feel like it makes me evil, it probably does.
Also, mum just told me that tomorrow morning I need to go to the vets with her to get dogfood. I can't explain why I can't, and even if I did it wouldn't do any good, because mum has a bad back and has just had an operation, so can't carry the food. If I don't go, Cookie won't be able to eat anything until Wednesday when my sister has a day off work (she has to have the special vet's science plan stuff or she gets ill - ironically due to much abuse and neglect in her puppyhood)
And so I have to go. I have to go to the vets.
The thing is.. that's where it happened. At Easter. ON Easter Sunday. The bad thing. Well, it didn't really happen.. I screamed. I screamed and screamed and he stopped and left me. But it was still a bad thing, and I haven't been there since. It's 4 minutes away from my house and it's made it really hard for me to be here. I've had to walk within a few metres of the spot a few times, on my way to the garage, and it makes my legs turn to jelly. The concept of actually going in there completely destroys me. I'm going to have to do it, I just don't know how.
God I want to MOVE our house has been on and off the market for 7 years. It's not like we're going to sell now - the market's rubbish. So I'll be stuck in Bromley until I DIE. Until he gets me again and does the Bad Thing, and this time, I think he's going to hurt me. Or kill me. And I don't know what I'll do if he's there tomorrow, with my mum.
|
