So another vent. I have been in the middle of a really bad nightmare storm (a nightmare ever half hour instead of the normal hour or hour and a half that I normally have). It had been making it, and still is hard to keep up with daily tasks, making the depression worse and with the threat from mental health that if I was to seek any further treatment through them or the ER they would tell my insurance company that I wasn't really depressed or suicidal so I would get in trouble for insurance fraud. So I had no other choice but to suck it up and just deal, which for me meant increading the SI quite a bit to compensate. I didn't want to, but I felt I didn't really have a choice. There was a voluntary hospital 200 miles that I checked into for help with the nightmares, depression and they wanted to help with the self injury. They had me agree to not self harm which made it harder to stay. I was alright for about 2 days, when on the third I had to check out, the flashbacks from the being abused in psychiatric hospitals was becoming hard to deal with and the urge to self injure was too hard to resist, and instead of self injuring and being transfered to a lock ward I opted to go home where I could handle it better. A day later I was unable to resist and self injured. Not something I was proud of but I had control back.
2 days later, this morning the flashbacks and depression were intence. I wanted to go to the ER and talk to someone about it. But with the threat that wasn't possible. So like for the last 2 years living here, the only resource was a hotline for talking. I mean yea there is online stuff, but sometimes a person, a voice makes a difference. So anyway I was talking to the hotline when the cops came to the door. And as always they wanted to know what was up this time. They know me well now, they know that mental health drops the ball and what I have been dealing with. I told them about the threat that if I went to the ER to get help Tod from mental health would report me for insurance fraud if I was depressed or suicidal or not. The cop decided not only because I had "thoughts only" of suicide, but because of the SI that he wanted to take me to the ER. I explained to him that it wouldn't do any good. He told me he would put me on a 5150 hold and mental health would have to help me. I was handcuffed and taken to the ER.
After being there waiting from 3am-9am because Tod from mental health want's to be the ONLY one to deal with me and have contact with me I had to wait for him to come on duty. For what ever reason this dude has something against me. So he sent a woman over and she told me that all she could offer me was going back to the voluntary hospital. But that was all that they would do for me. She asked if there was anything else she could do, I told her "yea, you could help me get a therapist since that's mental health's job, to help people". She comes off with, "You are fully capable of working, you need to get off a disability and work and use that money for a therapist. We are not going to help you get a therapist." I told her "If I was able to work and hold a job, why the hell would I have qualified for disability. Disability means unable to work". I was pissed off, I had been over this with them before.
They feel I should put all my problems aside and that someone out there will take me with hire me with my problems. I am sorry, I don't see someone hireing a person who doesn't sleep, who doses off throughout the day, self injures, has suicidal thoughts, the back injury prevents me from doing physical labor so I can't even stock shelves. But they seem to think someone out there will hire someone like me the way I am. I have yet to see someone like me in my current condition working. Anyway, she finally released me. And since I was brought in by the police the hospital wouldn't help me get back home. I had to try to find someone to come and get me.
Ok a bit of a update here. Since the last post there haas been another visits to the ER. Yea I know, Big surprise. Well when all you have is a hotline for support what does one expect. But still you should atleast expect to get treated with a decent level of respect and dignity at the very least.
This due to a letter I recieved that I was extreamly angry about, still am actually. Awhile back I had written the govenor of California (The Govenator...I know, bad joke..lol) about what was going on with the way mental health was treating me. He forwarded the letter to the department of mental health management in Sacramento. I got a letter back after the investagation saying several lies. One of which saying I owed mental health money. That was incorrect. I owed a therapist money. She was letting me pay her 5.00 and putting the rest on a bill that I was hoping to pay at a soon later date that was sadly not able to happen. That had nothing to do with my dealings with mental health. Mental health said I was refusing to work with them on working out a treatment plan, again not true. I have been in SEVERAL times for help, always told that I could not get services and that I would have to find something myself (pay cash, cash I didn't have). Anyway, long story short, they lied and the investigator believed mental healths claims over mine. The investigator told me to go back to mental health for services and that they didn't find any wrong doing on their part. GRRRR
So that day of getting the letter I was at the payphone talking to the hotline. I hung up with them after a ok talk. While walking home two police cars zipped by. About a block from my house I was stopped. They know me pretty well by now so yea, they knew who called and stopped me. I explained to them what was going on and why I was angry and that I needed to talk. I told them why I didn't go to the ER, which is because it's a waste of time talking to mental health since they won't let me vent to them anyway. The cops once again felt I needed to be seen. I told them that they were wasting their time. So I was handcuffed, and taken to the ER. When we arrived I was walked in and sat down on the bed in a room, still cuffed. Now I am a big guy, my arms don't bend that way so being I ended up pulling the muscles in my shoulders by not only being handcuffed but by also having to get myself out of the back seat. I mean god forbid the cop help you out the back seat. Anyway finally I was released when the nurse had to take my blood presure, but she kept saying "But I only need one arm" as she raised one side of the bed rail, hinting to the cop to leave my other arm cuffed to something. Then she asked my pain level 1-10. I told her 7 because of my cronic back pain. She never came with anything for the pain. I ended up having to dose myself with the medication I brought with myself. I mean what if I didn't have any? I would have had to be without in pain. You can't count on them for anything. Finally 6 hours later mental health shows up to take me to mental health for the evaluation. Once there the woman from the last time does the interview. We talked for all of 5 minutes to get into a argument for her to tell me I am being stupid for calling a hotline because we keep going in circles. I told her anytime she is ready to help me we can end the circles, otherwise I have no choice. I don't have money. Again she comes off with the get off disability and get a job for therapy thing. I finally told her I wasn't going to argue anymore. I said either admit me or send me home. I was getting irratated. She said I she was releasing me and to call my friends for a ride. The last time I had a ride was a one time thing. So I had to wait for another 4 hours after being released for one of them to feel like taking me back home in the back of one of their regular cars with one of those cop car grates in the back. So yea, same old crap. They figure if they make it horrible and drawn out enough for me I will get fed up and find the money I guess. Problem is it's not that I don't want to spend the money. I don't have it to spend. I really don't have any other choice and they don't see that. They just think I am choosing not to spend this mass hidden funds they seem to think I have somewhere. It's stupid.
