Life through my eyes - *Triggering (SI/Suicide/ED)*

Kahlia1981 · 09-10-2008, 09:52 AM

Okay I've been dealing with this dang illness for something like 14 years now ... i'm technically schizoaffective which means I get the *lovely* parts of schizophrenia with the *lovely* parts of bipolar disorders. Up until about a year and a half ago the bipolar parts were mostly composed of lows with occasional highs ............ not any more damn it.

This probably all sounds well and good but when I'm high I go so f*cking manic that I lose time and do stupid things like I did last night. I jumped off the roof of my flat last night and then sat there on the grass laughing my head off for what my mother tells me was an hour and a half. I told her when she came out and asked me why the f*ck I was laughing at 2 am (I live currently in a granny flat on my parents property) that I was laughing because I had missed the cement.

And after the highs .... come a nice drop to where I am at the moment. I don't even really want to be around my friends. I don't want to be around family - with the notable exception of my youngest niece. I don't want to do anything that normal society approves of.

Right now I want to go out and buy 2 scalpels and 2 metal rulers. I want to cut .... but not just normal cuts. I want to make a perfectly straight line from my wrist (perfectly centred of course) down to my f*cking elbow. I want to use the scalpels to cut, to carve, to slice my stomach and my legs.

After that ..... I want to take every single one of the 185 tablets left in my lithium carbonate bottle. I want out of here. I literally can't do this anymore.

I think it's time. Time for me to stop f*cking around and succeed at killing myself. I can't do anything right .... just ask my male parental unit ... but maybe when I succeed at this I'll get the first thing ever in my damned stupid pathetic life right. This world, my family, my friends ... they would all be so much better off without me.

Aaaaaggggghhhhh.

I'm sorry. If anyone gets this far it's okay. I just can't deal with this inside my head anymore. I feel like my head is just going to go bang. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't know what to do anymore.

roiben · 09-10-2008, 09:57 AM

*safe hugs*

09-10-2008, 10:00 AM

x hugs x, no words just wanted to say sorry you're going through this x

zowie · 09-10-2008, 05:47 PM

*Hugs* It must be so hard for you hun, I know what it's like to have the syptoms of schizophrenia but not bi-polar. Please don't act on the thoughts; I know it's hard, and I know this is a cliche, but think of the people around you. Think of your neice.
Love you loads xx

Misunderstood. · 09-10-2008, 06:09 PM

I know what it's like to deal with the kind of symptoms that you do [especially as I'm schizoaffective bipolar type].
It's turmoil at times it really is so I can totally relate. Are you on any medication for the mood swings?

Kahlia1981 · 09-10-2008, 09:30 PM

I'm on both Epilim (sodium valproate) and LithiCarb (lithium carbonate) for the mood swings. I just can't deal with this.

Kahlia1981 · 11-10-2008, 12:20 AM

3 days down now and no end in sight. And I'm doing things that make certain people around me ask if I'm trying to go back to when I had an ED. Not that it could ever happen anyway. I don't have the ability to stick with anything, I don't have the determination to go back there.

I don't know .... maybe I would like to. Maybe I just want to end myself one way or another. Maybe slow and painful for me is what will make it easiest on my friends ... on the people who, for whatever reason, care about this stupid, pathetic excuse for a human being.

My friend kept stopping me from hurting myself yesterday. I just can't understand why. My friends seem to care more about me than I do. They tell me to stop apologising to them for being alive and keep trying to argue with me when I tell them things were my fault.

I*WANT*OUT*N>O>W.

Kahlia1981 · 11-10-2008, 11:17 PM

I think I'm killing my friends.

My existence on this earth is the reason that anyone who is having issues IS having issues. I need to end my life cause I'm just so ****ed up that I need to do it. There is no point in trying to beat this anymore.

Casper_Fading · 12-10-2008, 09:17 AM

*cuddles tighly*

Kahlia1981 · 15-10-2008, 08:13 PM

The Cutters’ Lullaby by anon

Go to sleep, and close your eyes
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn
You know the pain that they have borne.

Silver metal, shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down
And wake up just before you drown

The moonlight’s shining off your tears
As you bleed out your own worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutters’ lullaby

Hushabye baby you’re almost dead
You don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red
Your family hates you; your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife, ‘cause it’s all that you need

Rockabye baby, broken and scarred
You didn’t know that life would be this hard
Time to end the pain that you hid so well
And down will come baby, straight back to hell

Casper_Fading · 15-10-2008, 09:31 PM

Oh darlin *cuddles you tight* i know that's all i have right now but I hope you know i'm thinking of you and reading and i do understand where you're at. *cuddles tight*

MammaMia · 15-10-2008, 09:32 PM

*sending you mega mega hugs*

Please keep fighting??

ThinkingofRecovery · 15-10-2008, 09:43 PM

Nothing useful to say but want you to know that I am thinking of you
*hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 17-10-2008, 02:39 PM

I want to scream ..... I'm just so frigging stressed right now. I want to do something my friend calls stupid. I want to OD, I want to hang myself, I want to rip my head off or carve the words "please ****ing kill me" on myself. I want to cut. I want to see that "scarlet blood that feels so right". I want it coming from every single one of my apendages.

I'm at a point where I'm ready to start cutting again. I've made it to 53 days SI free ... but I'm completely ready to just throw that to the wind and start hurting myself again. I don't know how I'm going to fight this anymore. I'm making it through minute by minute, second by second .... but I think I'm going to lose.

I don't even know if it's worth trying to fight this. The urge is just so strong, and I'm so stressed and right now I can't see the point in continuing. This world would be better off without me, I would be doing everyone that is alive a massive favour if I killed myself tonight. I see no point in staying alive.

I'm doing the lighting for a show that is on for two weeks (last weekend in October and first weekend in November). I said that I would do it because it would give me a reason to be alive when my friend was away. Now my friend is only going to be away for a night because of the lack of accommodation at a reasonable price and it looks like I won't be heading down to Brisbane at all ... at least not for 12 months or something. And, I'm not sure if it's just because of that or maybe just because of what's going on in my head, now the lighting for the show isn't even keeping me going.

I want someone to cut my ****ing head off ... just so that I can claim that my death was not my fault. Or maybe I should just do it to myself so that my death isn't on someone else's hands. I deserve to die. I'm so ****ing stupid. Why the **** can't I just kill myself and get the **** on with it ??

God I need to die. I just can't do anything. Nothing in my life ever seems to work out.

*screams and then starts crying*

bleed2bfree · 17-10-2008, 02:49 PM

*gentle hugs*
huni you are doing so well.
you are amazing going so long harm free.
please keep fighting and keep talking.

Kahlia1981 · 17-10-2008, 09:21 PM

I made it through the night .... still SI free. Now I have to face another day that I just don't have the energy for. Goddamn I feel like jumping off a cliff. I know logically that this is just shortterm and that it will pass .... but it feels like it never will.

The nastiest of my voices (Jillian) has been going off for almost 24 hours now. She's started getting graphic with what she wants me to do and where I should do it. She's telling me that I'm a leech on my friends and that they all want to see me dead. She keeps going on about how they would be better off without me and cutting/ED habits/et cetera would be a step in the right direction. My friends hate me and I need to cut/die because I'm a ****ing bitch and the world is **** because I exist. If I was to kill myself I would be saving the world. I'm a whore, and ********, a pathetic excuse for a human being, an idiot .....

I don't think that I can fight this ... not for long anyway. Not without putting myself to sleep 24/7. It does seem that the only time I'm free of Jillian is when I manage to get some sleep. And sleep is not a constant friend unfortunately.

I really want to kill myself right now.

airwolf282 · 18-10-2008, 02:29 AM

hugs hun

you are NOT stupid or pathetic or anything like that but you do have many here, myself included that care about you.

please get some help hun, you can go to hospital if you're getting the urge or planning to harm yourself or end your life. you can get treatment there that you deserve and start to feel better again without all that nasty depression, mania or psychosis

massive hugs

nathan

Kahlia1981 · 19-10-2008, 06:44 AM

I love diazepam. For the first time in ages I actually feel okay .... maybe I should make that "human". Literally speaking I shouldn't have had the diazepam, but my friend gave me some to help me cope.

This morning I've had some strange experiences that I'm not sure if they are part of my illness or not. I had these thoughts in my head that weren't mine. Like, every time I was near someone I had thoughts like I was reading their mind. Not always bad thoughts or anything like that. Just kind of random. Like my next door neighbour came outside and I thought I could hear him thinking things like "gee whiz it's going to be a hot one today", "I think I'll water the path", "I have to remember to tell the owner of the house next door that his sprinkler must have come off". Then I was around my sister, brother-in-law and niece and I thought I could hear the thoughts of all three of them. It was really ..... odd.

I don't know if I should mention this to my pdoc when I see him on Tuesday or not. I mean, maybe I'm just imagining (sp?) it. Or maybe I really can hear other people's thoughts .... I don't know. It's kind of confusing and I'm not sure what to do.

Maybe I'm just stressed and this is something that is going to start happening to me when I'm stressed.

I'm dreading what is going to happen when the Valium wears off. But that's something that right now I can't do anything about, and there is not really any point in worrying about it too much because I can't change it anyway.

Thanks to all of you for the support. Sometimes the hugs and just knowing that someone cares can be enough to get me through the minutes that I'm in. So thank you all.

Kahlia1981 · 19-10-2008, 10:07 AM

Okay ... now I'm freaking stressed. One of my best and closest friends has basically told me that they intend to OD tonight. After discussion with another friend we've sent an ambulance around to where she is living, and told them that she could be violent and won't want to go to the hospital so the police will probably be there as well. We are putting in an official Request for Assessment under the Mental Health Act. Admittedly this usually ends up as an ITO but ....

I'm starting to get angry now. This friend consistently OD's. Sometimes I start thinking that she likes the attention that she gets when she is in the hospital. She says that she doesn't ... but she OD's so regularly, she won't talk about anything that is bothering her, she doesn't seem to want to do anything that will help her to stop doing these things. I don't know ... maybe I'm just reading things into it that aren't there. I just don't know how much longer I can cope. It's such a strain on me when she does it ... partly because I start to blame myself, but also because it reminds me of the four people I knew and loved who committed suicide. I'm not sure I can go through that again.

Now I want to cut. Really, really badly. I don't know if I would actually be able to stop cutting if I started right now. I've made 55 days SI free, but it just seems worthless.

In some part I want to run away. I want to run and never return .... but I realise that would just be running away from the situation and that in itself is not the best reason to do anything.

I just know that if I draw the line I will have to deal with another suicide.

*screams*

airwolf282 · 20-10-2008, 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kahlia1981

I'm starting to get angry now. This friend consistently OD's. Sometimes I start thinking that she likes the attention that she gets when she is in the hospital. She says that she doesn't ... but she OD's so regularly, she won't talk about anything that is bothering her, she doesn't seem to want to do anything that will help her to stop doing these things. I don't know ... maybe I'm just reading things into it that aren't there. I just don't know how much longer I can cope. It's such a strain on me when she does it ... partly because I start to blame myself, but also because it reminds me of the four people I knew and loved who committed suicide. I'm not sure I can go through that again.

Now I want to cut. Really, really badly. I don't know if I would actually be able to stop cutting if I started right now. I've made 55 days SI free, but it just seems worthless.

In some part I want to run away. I want to run and never return .... but I realise that would just be running away from the situation and that in itself is not the best reason to do anything.

I just know that if I draw the line I will have to deal with another suicide.

*screams*

Kahlia,

It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time right now. It's hard to be there for your friend when your not doing so well yourself. 55 days is a great achievement you should be proud and not so hard on yourself.

You say that you feel like running away. I can relate to that very much. Maybe your friend can too. I don't know who this person is but maybe you might want to talk to her about these things when you and her are feeling safe. People OD for many different reasons, some are attempts at suicide, some want to escape something, some may be crying out for help and yes others might be deliberately trying to manipulate others or gain sympathy. Maybe she, like you wants to escape. Maybe she doesn't want to die but wants to become unconcious so that she doesn't have to deal with all her emotional pain right now. I only think of this because in the past I have OD'd myself for that very reason, I was overwhelmed by emotional pain that I just wanted to distance myself from it all. It might be worthwhile investigating this a bit further before you jump to the conclusion that she is an attention seeker. If you do make a wrong assumption you may lose her friendship and trust forever or even worse.

Please take care of yourself. You have made it 55 days so far, maybe you could try using the same strategies you have used this far.

Warm hugs,

Nathan