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Triggering (SI) - Screw it, I'm doing it *graphic*
I need to harm myself. I'm seriously close to cutting or worse. Everything is so ****ed up. I haven't showered or changed clothes in days. I'm sleeping through the day and up all night. I'm skipping meals and binging. My period is 4 weeks late, but I took the test twice and I'm not pregnant. I've had irratic periods before, when I was suffering from polycystic ovaries. It went away when I started swimming. Now I sit in bed all day eating icecream and it seems to be back.
I have six weeks to complete five assignments and a ten thousand word dissertation or I don't get the degree I've struggled five years for. I missed my counselling appointment and a meeting with my favourite lecturer who's been helping me and monitoring me, making sure I don't **** this up. I have no job, no money and can't see myself ever being able to work normally.
The last gig my band played was dire and the organiser said we were "too conventional " (not to our faces of course). A close friend said my new songs, the one's I'm so proud of and love singing, were "very goth", which would be okay except that's really not what I was going for. A girl I grew up with, who always did everything better than me and made my final few years of school an unimaginable hell, just got back from doing performance art in Croatia. And to top it off, we may have to move out of this house in a couple of weeks and go back to our parents as that's when the tenancy agreement ends. (it's a student house so we should be able to stay over summer since everyone else has gone but if the september tennents decide to move their stuff in now we're screwed)
This place is such a mess. I can't exist here anymore. The dirt has crept onto me and I feel filthy - inside and out. We drank our last wine and there's no money for more. I think about cutting every day, it invades my mind and I am forever plotting, scheming about how I'll get the blade into the bathroom and sending him on errands to get him out of the way. But I've been a good girl. Almost 1 month free (24 days) and now I've had enough. I need to feel that pain today. I need to see those scars and know that the physical proof of my sickness means I don't have to try anymore. I need the rest of recovery.
I need something more extreme this time - deep and lots of blood - to make people see. If I go to the hospital I'll get bandaged and there'll be the smiles and the smells and everyone will be so sad for me. I love medical environments, so comforting...
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